<Theme-song to the Wide World of Sports plays>
Kurt Gowdy: Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the first annual invitational "Fosters Beer, Saint Reginold, Order of the Purple Nose" stair diving championship. It's a fine day for competition with the wind blowing in from the West and the temperature hovering around a pleasant 70 degrees farenheit.
Cesil Palin: That's right Kurt, and what a show we have in store for our audience! The fans are absolutely electric with excitement. <fans are doing the wave> A capacity croud with some fans hailing from as far away as Kiwiland and such exotic regeions as Utah!
Kurt: I understand, Cesil, todays course was designed by the Great Grandson of the late great Buster Keaton. The stairs are sporting the legendary "Y" of death - ironically enough an exact replica as the stairs used in the Helsinki event before Yonnish Helgafelter was disqualified after losing his right shoe and wound up plowing through the drywall. As you well know that is well out of bounds. <chuckle, chuckle> That reminds me of a story back in...
Cesil: Sorry to cut you off but our reigning champion James (Gravity-Man) Downden-schplatten. Known as Litchuk to his closest friends -
Kurt: As I understand it, Cesil, Litchuk was a name given to James by a medicine man from the Shoshone tribe called Looks like a Big Bear, after an outing James spent with them on a vision quest to hone his skills as an athlete last season. I'm told it means; "He who dances on face".
Cesil: umm, yeah. <crowd cheering> Kurt, James has approached the launch flat and is waving to the crowd. He is displaying a winning smile and his trade-mark tumbs-up.
Kurt: <Ha ha ha> This is an athletes-athlete! He exudes confidence and style. Even after the West Doechester incident, which left him with a nasty limp James moves as though he knows this is his house and he owns the stairs.
Cesil: Yes, Kurt, his house indeed! Never before has an athlete inspired such devotion from his fans. On the way in I saw a group of college age fans burning "Litchuk" on their posterior-*
Kurt: Sorry to interrupt you Ces. but James has indicated he's ready to go. If the practice runs are any indication of todays' performance he should be attempting his patented Superman with a full twist and land with a MaryLou Retton. It should be breath-taking. The judges are motioning to the crowd to quiet down. <camera shutters click wildly away> James has both arms extended beside him. He is relaxing, working on correct breathing...
Cesil: At this time it is vital he keep his concentration.
Kurt: James has nodded his head,.. He bends slightly at the knees,.. and LAUNCH! What form! What grace! His position is perfect!
<an air horn blasts>
Cesil: OH NO!!! <screams from the crowd> He has mis-judged the stair placement and is headed for disaster! James has contorted into a death-wobble and is headed for the glass door! Fans and judges alike are screaming and diving for cover! <B-29 power diving and crashing sound effects> OH THE HUMANITY< OH THE HUMANITY!
Kurt: It appears several of the female fans have fainted! It is a vision of carnage unlike anything I've ever witnessed before! <Brittish siren: Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh Blahh Bohhh > Glass every where! Sirens! Explosions! Representatives from several fire and rescue agencies are converging on what can only be described as a slaughter house!
Cesil: Please stay tuned - we have to go to a commercial break! More details on James condition when we return.
Announcer: Homeowners. Are you ever plagued by dusty slippery environments? Does your staircase fill you with dread? New Martha Stewart's Design inflatable staircase safety air bags are here to keep you and your loved ones safe from the ravages of gravity.......
- sorry about the ribs, I just couldn't resist...
Adam
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