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Illinois Kinfolk 
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This and That
....More Humor

God grant me the serenity to accept the ancestors I cannot find, the
courage to find the ones I can, and the wisdom to document thoroughly.

                                                                  Murphy's Law
 1. The will you need is in a safe on board the Titantic
 2. You finally find the wedding record for your g-g-grandfather only to discover he married Mary SMITH whose father was John SMITH and mother was Mary JONES!
 3. You have finally found the information you needed to solve the family mystery you have been working on for 2 years and your elderly aunt says " I could have told you that!"
 4. You find an old family photo album and upon close examination, there are no names on the pictures.
 5. You learn that your great grandmother's family bible (passed down through the family for 3 generations) was sold at an estate sale in New York City.
 6. You find  your family in the census and write to the county where they lived for 40 years, only to receive a letter stating all the county records burned.
 7. You learn there is a county history on microfilm of the county your ancestors originated.  It has 16000 pages and is not indexed.
 8. The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated and at which the platform collapsed under him, turned out to be a hanging.
  Where is that guy Murphy anyway??
  I really do have a few things to say to him!

Rules For Our Ancestors
How to Confuse Your Descendants

1)   Thou shalt name your male children: James, John, Joseph, Josiah, Abel, Richard, Thomas, William.
(2)  Thou shalt name your female children: Elizabeth, Mary, Martha, Maria, Sarah, Ida, Virginia, May.
(3)  Thou shalt leave NO trace of your female children.
(4)  Thou shalt, after naming your children from the above lists, call them by strange nicknames such as: Ike, Eli, Polly, Dolly, Sukey.---making them difficult to trace.
(5)  Thou shalt NOT use any middle names on any legal documents or census reports, and only where necessary, you may use only initials on legal documents.
(6)  Thou shalt learn to sign all documents illegibly so that your surname can be spelled, or misspelled, in various ways: Hicks, Hicks, Hix, Hixe, Hucks, Kicks.
(7)  Thou shalt, after no more then 3 generations, make sure that all family records are lost, misplaced, burned in a court house fire, or buried so that NO future trace of them can be found.
(8)  Thou shalt propagate misleading legends, rumors, & vague innuendo regarding your place of origination.
      (A) you may have come from : England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales....or Iran.
      (B) you may have American Indian ancestry of the______tribe......
      (C) You may have descended from one of three brothers that came over
(9)  Thou shalt leave NO cemetery records, or headstones with legible names.
(10)Thou shalt leave NO family Bible with records of birth, marriages, or deaths.
(11)Thou shalt ALWAYS flip thy name around. If born James Albert, thou must make all the rest of thy records in the names of Albert, AJ, JA, AL, Bert, Bart, or Alfred.
(12) Thou must also flip thy parent's names when making reference to them, although  "Unknown" or a blank line is an acceptable alternative.
(13) Thou shalt name at least 5 generations of males, and dozens of their cousins identical names in order to totally confuse researchers

                            You Know You're Taking Genealogy Too Seriously If....
·  In order to put the "final touches" on your genealogical research, you've asked all of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples.
·  You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel.
·  You were instrumental in having "non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine" classified as a federal hate crime.
·  Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored.
·  You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees.
·  Out of respect for your best friend's unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveillance camera while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed security guard, however, will remain.
·  You plod merrily along "refining" your recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your original publication.
·  During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your shivering spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George.
·  The most recent document in your "Missing Ancestors" file is a 36-page contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company.
·  Ed McMahon, several t.v. cameras and an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, "Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?".
·  "A Loving Family" and "Financial Security" have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your list of life's goals, but still lag far behind "Owning My Own Microfilm Reader."
·  A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be restored.                                                                                      ....submitted by Marianne Green