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Now remember MEN, I know a lot of guys who get slapped, stuff thrown at them, eyes gouged and even stabbed. So not all women are victims. Please post w/us here. I never ask for much around this joint so join in if you feel comfy w/the subject. Were you ever an abuser, or abused by your s/o? I used to have very loose hands when I was w/Robert and I regret it everyday of my life in my own way. Not once did he ever raise a hand at me, but yet any BIG blowouts we had I felt it was ok to slap him in the face, spit on him, or throw heavy objects at him. Although this only happened 5x's in our relationship IT WAS SOOO WRONG AND THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE EXCUSE FOR IT! I used Robert as my whipping post for all others who beat me, or did me wrong. I have never raised my hand to another man again and I surely won't. Remarkbly enough he stood w/me thru it all; the verbal abuse and the physical. After these episodes I would apologize and beg for forgivness and he would tell me it wasn't necessary and this would make me feel much worse than if he slapped me and told me, "THERE! How do you like it?" Did you stay w/this person and began to "get used to it"? (this is what you normally hear mostly from women after yrs of abuse) Why he stood? He said it was because he was totally in love w/me and I was his soulmate and he was going to grow old w/me. He said there were only a few wrinkles that needed ironing out in our marriage and it was nothing serious. Poor baby. He didn't want to lose me for nothing and I did everything in my willpower to make him hate me the last year of our marriage. Do you mind any type of physical or verbal pain while having intercourse? I enjoy talking dirty and even being threatened w/a mild sense of pain, but handcuffing me, tying me up and slapping me around is not a good feeling to me. I've had it done... against my own free will and it prohibits me from even entering that realm of sex. |
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Lynnie, you and I are so alike it almost scares me. In Lonnie's and my relationship there's been quite a few moments of abuse...all but one were me abusing him. For years I smacked him around, twice being almost arrested for it. I've abused my kids. I grew up watching my parents duke it out and assumed it was how everyone settled their fights...it took me years to figure out other ways to handle my anger. I still slip, but not physically toward my family anymore. It's not fair to them. Know what did bite my ass? The ONE time Lonnie hit me back, they arrested him...the police had responded TWICE to my abuse of him and refused to arrest me...but let the guy do it just once and he's outa here. That's what I told the grand jury too...I told them the truth, I was more violent than him, but no one ever made ME be responsible for myself, and it was sexist. All they wanted to know was if they let Lonnie go would we get help...I said that was all we wanted was ideas on where to get help...they let him out the next morning with a list of places we could go for low cost counseling. We did, and things have gotten SO much better over the last few years. I'm not the first woman to abuse him, either. His first wife broke a baseball bat over his face, among countless other times of abuse. The time she broke the bat, he finally hit her back, after a year and a half together and constant abuse...she called the police, they asked him if he wanted charges pressed, he refused, and she left him...said he was a puss. I watched my mom and dad fight for ten solid years...maybe ten days in that whole time they didn't fight. It usually started with Dad calling Mom everything but a white woman, then she'd hit him so he'd hit her back...she said she'd rather have black eyes than a broken heart. As an adult, I lived with Jesse...he never hit me, but I wish he would have. The entire nine months we dated he berated me constantly, made me feel like crap about myself...then when I moved in with him, he would anally rape me as punishment. I would wake up to it, my face buried in a pillow. He would give me to his friends to sleep with...I had a list of people I was allowed to (and encouraged to) sleep with, and a list of people I wasn't allowed to sleep with. The only thing I could think of to do was to sleep with one of the ones I wasn't allowed to, then he kicked me out of the house and I was free. But I couldn't leave any other way...to this day I don't understand why. I know what you mean about being held down...when I was 15 and raped, I was held down by the wrists, and in his hands he had a belt he held across my neck to hold me still...I can't wear shirts that touch the front of my neck, and Lord help the person who holds me down and doesn't let me up the SECOND I need to be up. Women stay because...they're told they can't do better...they have no faith in their own abilities...they're threatened if they leave they'll be hurt worse...sometimes it's money. Men stay sometimes because they're afraid of the stigma of being abused by a woman, or threats that they'll never see their kids...or as a way to protect the kids from the abusive woman. I pray for the ones, male or female, that need to get out...I hope they get out okay and alive and able to recover. Rough stuff during sex...I can't stand having my hair pulled, I get headaches too easy. From hubby I'm not comfy with anything rough...but before I settled down with him, I sometimes liked a little of the rougher stuff, like from the one night stands I enjoyed during the 80's (before AIDS and such). It's like as long as it's based on wild monkey sex the rough stuff is okay, but from a loved one it's gotta be caring and gentle. |
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lynnie, this is a great thread. It didnt need to be over here, the general board coulda handled it just fine. Its a heavy topic for me, and im poop ed right now. But in the morning, I will answer this in detail. good job! mw |
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Yeah Tigger, but let me tell you from one woman to another...you had it way worse than me and you've come along way baby. Give yourself a hug and a kiss. My father was a woman beater too and would do terrible things to frighten my mom while she was pregnant w/me and only 17 yrs.old. Here is she is now pregnant, married, living w/a poor dude w/a horrible childhood and she came from a good family and now she's w/this animal. He would beat her mercilessly she said while she pregnant and then strangely it lightened up a bit after i was born. He'd leave her alone at home all the time in a roach infested room w/a bunch of low life pigs lurking around. My dad would come back to the room and tap on the window w/black gloves to terrify her. So cruel. They fought at least twice a week, but not everytime was a beating, but just normal threats, pulling of the hair and cornering her alot. Oh yes and he would destroy all of our stuff in our shabby home and her clothes included. I would scream into my pillows when I would hear her plead for no more and to let her live and tell him repeatedly that she was wrong and now she understood why he'd be so upset w/her. Ohhh how much I despised him is unimaginable. She stood and numerous times we moved here and there. The last time I ever moved to a battered shelter's home for women was when I was 12 and it was the most embarrasing thing to go thru as a child, or at least it was for me. 3 days later, we're back at home and they're in love again. I would wish her to get beat again for putting my hopes up high for a "normal" life. So I began to silently dislike and didn't respect her as a mother, but yet I never showed it. I never wanted to hurt her. You brought up something that I must have really blocked out and I swear to this, but it just dawned on me... I used to hurt Alex very badly when he was little and I'm welling up right now so pls forgive me. I didn't beat him, but I would pinch his arms so hard my baby boy would have bruises for days. I would look at him as if I would kill him and he would shrivel into a corner of fear. Ohhh man how bad this hurts to even bring up. He was only 2 yrs old Lynn!!! This is when we moved to Texas and I said everything was all scrambled up in my life and even Alex felt it and began to become a crybaby. I couldn't stand it! I hated life. I hate myself and I hated him being a burden to me, but only when he cried. This abuse went on for the length of time I was there, which was 4mos, but as soon as I arrived back to Chgo. I realized how I scared he was of me and how much damage I might have already done to him, like my father to me. What a piece of sh** I was! What had I done? I cried and begged God for forgivness and after that I never laid a hand on him, but on a rare occasion he might get slapped hard on his hand, or his butt. No spanking tools either. Just my hand. Sadly though, after he turned 11 and he started giving so many problems I began talking to him like sh**. Same thing as abuse, only worse. I would come close to telling him I hated him, but managed to stop. I haven't spoke like this to him in a few yrs now. As for Mai-Lin she's never felt my hand. She might have felt a lil' tug on her hand here and there and a regular reprimanding but she's never felt any of my hateful wrath. Tigger l really dig talking to you on topics like this cause you feel me. A lot of ppl in this grp feel our pain too, but we do have a lot of similiar backgrounds as far as dysfunctionality is concerned. Thank you sooo much for telling me I'm not the ONLY one. |
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Hey MW I get a lot of therapeutic healing out of this so no thanks necessary. |
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Abused? Not physically hurting my ex. My ex would drive me crazy with her mental problems. I would haul off and hit a closet door. I need to replace all my closet doors in the house. I learned to just leave the house when it got to me and I need the space and time to cool down. But it got to the point that I couldn't handle it any more and so I decided that it would be better to be divorced than to commit suicide. I still have a lot of anger at being forced into a caretaker roll instead of one being a lover and sharer. She decided when to start a family. It wasn't a joint decision. I love my son, but it sure would have been a lot better if she hadn't decided to get pregnant while I had a broken leg and didn't know what was going to happen in the future. I may be divorce, but she is still having an effect on my life. I try as it may, but it wears me out. Under the law, she is entitled to part of my retirement. I believe that she could have worked if she wanted to, but she just didn't want to. So it fell on me to support her. Part of me wants her dead. Part of me still cares for her as a human being needing love in life. She drove our son out of her life and now wants his contact and love. I can't make him contact her as he is an adult. I have encouraged him to make contact with his mother just so that he won't regret it later if he doesn't and she isn't around to make peace with. It isn't right to hurt someone just for the sake of hurting them. shroom |
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reading all this going to give me nightmares. its one of the reasons i don't often date. was in a horrible relationship long long time ago and now when the few times i do date...(i go to the court room and pull their names and see if they have any kind of criminal record). if they do i won't get invovled. |
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we do gotta remember. there is still alot of decent men or in some cases, women out there. |
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Were you ever an abuser, or abused by your s/o?
Yes, I was 20 and lived with a man who my family thought was the best thing since sliced bread. It started out with little slaps and ended when I was almost 6 months pregnant and the threw me down the stairs outside our apartment during an argument. Did you stay w/this person and began to "get used to it"?
(this is what you normally hear mostly from women after yrs of abuse)
No, I was slowly moving my things out of the apartment in hopes he wouldn't notice. I had a very good friend who had invited me to stay with her until I could get back on my feet. He got wind of it and that's when we had the big fight. Do you mind any type of physical or verbal pain while having intercourse? Not really, I don't mind being tied up with scarves or hosiery but no cuffs. |
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| | | From: peejay | Sent: 2/18/2008 6:14 PM |
Were you ever an abuser, or abused by your s/o? yes. Both. I didn't hit in the face.. I remember hitting him in the chest a couple of times. Once, he almost raped me right in front of my daughter. I pleaded with him not to since she was standing right there. Another time, he broke my arm by pulling it up too high behind my back....because I'd thrown his new antique pocket watch across the garage. Did you stay w/this person and began to "get used to it"? no. These things happened during the time leading up to our divorce. He'd never abused me (and I'd not hit him) until the marriage was already over. We both got out of control during that time. Do you mind any type of physical or verbal pain while having intercourse? very little. |
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Chops, you're right about not all genders being like this and i tried to make the men feel like this was a post directed toward women only. Heck, as you've seen here it' mostly women admitting to being the abusers. Shrroom, oh man I, too, would want to see her dead because she's like the bad thorn in your side that just won't fall off. Do you mind if I ask what went wrong w/her that you became more of "caregiver" to her? Lately, I've been apologizing more than ever to Fettucini for normal daily things I can do it no time and now after he works still gotta come home and so my crap. I don't want he begin feeling this way towards me. I try and keep on my feet as much as possilbe. When I do apologize for my condition he says if I say it one more time he's gonna punch me in the throat. LOL! Of course, he's joking (oh man hope he is) and he says we're in this for the long haul. I try and keep my words and my hands to myself now even on those real crappy days around here and I'm really beginning to become proud of myself because things don't set me off like they used to anymore. For this I'm glad. |
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Wow, this is a long answer for me and it's gonna have to wait until I am less tired or it will just end up being a quick wisecrack because that's all I have the energy for. Good thread Lynnikins! |
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Come back when you got the time mama. I'd like to hear what you have to say on this matter. |
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Emotional replies here. Mine is not any better. Were you ever an abuser, or abused by your s/o? Yes, a few times. But I learned that I cared for myself too much to allow it to go on. My first husband was abusive when he drank. He drank daily. He was a raging alcohalic. He was physical, even when I was pregnant. I was young then and knew I didnt like it, but didnt get the full drift of what was happening to know any better yet. He cheated on me as well. He lied about cheating. Finally, I kicked him out after he cut my phone wires and the police got involved. I litterally picked his ass up and threw him out the door! Another boyfriend was abusive. He was an ex wrestler. One time is all it took that time. He was gone. Then a husband that brainwashed me into believing he was a hit man for the mafia, and if I told anyone, by children would be excecuted!! He stalked me for two years after I gave him the boot w the ol 357! lol I have never been abusive that I know of. If it gets that bad, I try to talk, if that wont work, they are gone! Did you stay w/this person and began to "get used to it"? (this is what you normally hear mostly from women after yrs of abuse After the first bout, I never stayed longer than one time of abuse. That was it, kaput, they were gone. Now, if I even see it in their eyes, they are gone, or I am! lol Do you mind any type of physical or verbal pain while having intercourse? lol to me, thats not a turn on. I dont like pain, and never have figured out how its a turn on. mw |
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I don't remember ever hitting or even yelling at a woman.
I appreciate their different feelings.
And I let them go when they wish.
Is that like "catch and release"? |
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This is the way it should be for men and women alike. Mucho kudos to you. |
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