Ethel’s Episodes-Eulogy for Sal
Ethel was in a hurry. She was already late for her friend’s memorial service and she had promised to deliver the eulogy for her long-time friend Sal. She grabbed her hat off the table and made a hasty run for the door, grasping her notes firmly in her hand.
This was a sad day for Ethel. She and Sal had been friends for some twenty-five years or so. Ethel thought about all the things they had done together over the years and wiped a tear from her face. How very much she would miss Sal.
At last she reached the funeral home. She found a parking space for her car and hurried in through a side door and glanced at the name posted on the board in front of the small chapel to her left, saw the word Sal and rushed in and sat down to wait for them to call her to the podium.
She looked around and noticed that there were a very large number of people in the room, none of whom she recognized and thought I had no idea Sal knew so many people. Why, there must be 200 people here.
Ethel waited while more people came in and were seated. She listened to the murmurs as the newcomers were seated and then saw a man step up to the podium, tap the microphone, and begin to speak.
“We are gathered here today to bid farewell to our beloved Sal- A dear and highly respected member of our community.
Sal would have been pleased to see all of you today. We all know how much Sal loved the limelight.�?/FONT>
Polite laughter greeted the speaker’s observation. The room quickly quieted again and the speaker continued.�?We have a special friend of Sal’s with us today who will deliver the eulogy. Will you please step up to the podium?�?
With that Ethel stood up and though she was very nervous mounted the steps to the small podium, arranged her notes in front of her, and began to speak. For some reason, a small man in the front row stood also, and then sat back down.
“My name is Ethel. Sal and I have been friends for over twenty five years and a dearer person, I have never known. We met at Macy’s Department store while I was there shopping for a new dress all those years ago. Right away, Sal struck up a conversation with me, and before I knew it I had bought a dress I never would have thought about buying for myself, but Sal had assured me that it was perfect for me.
This was to be the first of very many shopping expeditions we were to embark upon. Sal had impeccable taste in fashion and accessories. Why, I never met anyone who could coordinate outfits so brilliantly. Sal’s choice of skirts, blouses, undergarments and heels always fascinated me. Everything Sal wore fit together perfectly.�?/FONT>
This statement was met with an outburst of low conversation and some rather odd looks from the crowd. Why, one lady in the front row was turning absolutely red-faced!
Ethel ignored the restive audience and continued.
We often stayed at the Hilton downtown so we could get an early start on our shopping the next morning. “We had so many wonderful times together talking half the night; ordering room service and in general enjoying our little getaways.
I remember one time, Sal had on a new midnight blue dress and heels and looked so wonderful that even the doorman just stopped and admired the vision Sal presented. Over the years, Sal and I were very close. Although some thought Sal was a little shallow, I always knew that Sal had a generous and helpful spirit and didn’t care what people thought.�?
As Ethel finished that statement, she was surprised to hear another outburst from the audience. Some were whispering loudly, while others were laughing. Some actually were smirking and the lady in the front row made a choking noise, and slumped in the pew in a dead faint!
The same man who had summoned Ethel to the podium now stepped up and said quietly, ”Please leave immediately�?You have disgraced Sal’s memory enough.�?Go out the door over there and do not come back!�?/EM>
Ethel cried out�?“But what did I do? Why is everyone acting so oddly. All I did was talk about what a wonderful thoughtful, and fashion conscious person Sal was!�?/FONT>
Again the man whispered louder now, “Please, just leave!�?/FONT>
Ethel burst into tears and then complied.
She arrived home, went to her room and cried herself to sleep. Harvey came home, found her asleep and made both of them something to eat. He woke Ethel but was surprised when she refused to tell him how the service had been.
He put it down to her sorrow at losing her friend and didn’t think anything else about it.
However, the next evening he came in with the newspaper whose headline read:
The article went on to read:
Mourners were shocked and dismayed yesterday to learn that Congressman Sal Silverstein had been leading a secret life as a cross-dresser and philanderer.
A mysterious woman known only as Ethel revealed that she and the married Congressman had had an affair that spanned decades and included her acceptance of Silverstein’s deviant behavior. She bragged about secret liaisons during which the Congressman indulged his penchant for dressing as a woman and about shopping for his wardrobe together on many occasions.
The Congressman’s widow, Carol was taken from the service in a state of collapse, and several of the Congressman’s constitutes made comments such as �?I always knew that guy walked funny, as well as “I knew there was something not quite right about him, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.�?/FONT>
No one knows who the mysterious “friend�?was or where she went after the service, but at last account she was seen driving away in tears after being asked to leave the memorial.
Officials at Golden Memorials Mortuary where the service was conducted refused to comment.
Harvey watched as Ethel read the article her face registering confusion, dismay and finally horror.
“Ethel�? Isn’t that the same funeral home that your friend Sal Smyth’s service was to be held?�?
“Yes�? Oh, Harvey! Oh My God! I didn’t go to Sal’s memorial at all. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her.�?I went to the wrong chapel!!! OH! OH! OH!
“Well, said Harvey, choking on stifled laughter, �?You gave that Congressman quite a send off anyway. I think we had better call the newspaper and straighten this out though. And Ethel, I think it would be best if you just let ME do the talking."
Anita Callender copyright 2006
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