WINDZ OF CHANGES

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yup me again my day started out great, i got all ready to go out to go catch my bus to walk my freinds dog... i get outside and its freezing, of course im only wearing a sweater becuas it was soo warm out yesterday i didnt even need that.. i should have checkd the weather network, anyways, yadda yaddda, i go walk the dog we had fun, then i caught the bus home.... message waiting on my phone.. from my dietitian, saying that she could see me on the 5th of april and by the way shes leaving the practice. yup once again my dietitian is up and leaving. im getting so fed up with it i just start getting used to stuff and think im doing sort of ok, and then more crap happens. she says someone else is taking over the practice but whether or not she also takes on the fee that i was paying my current one (sliding scale) i dont know yet i guess i will find out. im just really upst over the whle darn thing, i was just starting to sort of trust heather (after a year it takes me awhile)and now she is leaving.... the new person is going to be at my next appt so i guess i will meet her, and see how that goes.. but im just in such a bad space right now. been having lots of behaviours, and i wrote albert a note telling him cause i felt bad and he was like im giving it a month and a half and i thought he meant or he was gonna cancel our trip but i found out he just meant that he wants me to be happy and healthy for our trip... anwyays, and with the warmer weather now i am panicking because of course i dont have any shorts or clothes for warmer weather because of all the damn weight ive gained.. i dont care that everyone says i look "healthy now" i just see it as im fat. so anywyas, we have to go to walmart or somewhere so i can get some clothes that fit that i will be comfortable in, and im just dreading trying on stuff cuase i know when it doest fit i will be in tears and its just not going to go well. grrrrr then to top all that off i was going to make myself lunch, and i was in the freezer and i dropped a pound of hamburger on my big toe... now i know a pound doesnt seem that much but when it is frozen, and it falls on your toe, it really really hurts. my toe is twice the size it was before and part of it are purple. i can still bend it and wiggle it and put some presure (but with pain) so i dont think i broke it but it hurts like hell! leave it to me. anways, so thats been my day so far and its not even 2pm.. i was going to be helpful for albert and take out the recylcing (there is soo much) and the garbage but now with my foot i think im just gonna leave it and let him do it he can yell at me if he wants i dont care. im just really frustrated and wondering if its worth it, is it worth all the fighting and stuff.... its been almost a year since i left for treatment and i feel the same althouugh im "healthy (fat)" but i still have the same thoughts and feelings and now i know that i have gained weight and i have no clothes that fit me and i feel horrible. k im sorry to have gone on and on but as you know i really struggle with this.. been really struggling with the sh as well but miricles of miricles the news today did not trigger me into anything, except eating rice crackers instead of lunch. anywys, thanks for listening love miss big toe (i do officially hold the title of miss big toe, from 6th grade, if you want to hear the story let me know its quite funny) love me

ok well i talked to my dietitian (well got an emaiil) and she said the new one is taking on the sliding scale clients, only that the location will be moving. i hope it will be in the same medical building but if it isnt i guess thats not a big deal. i just hope that this works out. i am going to tell her what i was working on ottawa was easier for me and see if she will do it that way rather than the way heather was doing it. cross your fingers. my toe is doing ok, its actually bruising all the way down to the bottom of my foot, which i thought was weird, but when has anything ive done not been weird right? im abit stressed out, my freind is goign through alot of things right now and i feel pressured to be really strong and be there for her and not burdon her with my stuff which is hard, but im trying. i will keep you all posted. oh and now albert has bone spurs so has to get orthotics so needs to get estimates for discretionary benefits and then we go jump through their hoops, and hopefully he will have them in a month and a half or so... wish us luck, i was hoping he can get them before we leave on our trip but i doubt it. its frustrating but we just dont have the 400 bucks it will cost to pay for them.. other than that, not much else.. .i will keep you updated on everything thanks for letting me vent..love suzy

Suzy my darling, you must and I repeat, MUST deal with one problem at a time. And only the ones you can do anything about. You can't do anything about the change in dietician, ok. You know she is going to take the same scale. OK, good. That is taken care of, all you need to do is get to know her and you will be fine. Think before you react. Don't get overwhelmed by information that you get that isn't especially happy to you. Get control of your emotions sweetie. I think by doing that you will be a much happier person. Whatever I can do to help you do that, you know I will. I maynot be online or on IM that often so won't say I will be right here for you. But you know where I am and I will do whatever you need. Only because I love you girl.

OK IM NOT EVEN GONNA GET INTO ALL THE CRAP THATS GONE ON, EVERYONES HEARD ALL ABOUT IT ALREADY LOL JUST THANKS FOR BEING HERE TO LISTEN TO ME.. HUGGS SUZY

hi im here to as much as i can im so proud of you at least your willing hun i been such a strubren but with my kids but i need to get more serious about my wieght,my problem is i benge eat when i get upset with brandon or dan they where both at me yesterday i did one thing diff yesterday i stood up to dan and told him to kncok it off de greading me and makeing fun of me even if i don,t make since,and i din,t give into him either like i usely do.and i actuly felt like i could move forword today,(i usely eat lowfat freanch yourget and i try to give up two things a week this week was candy i lost four pds.)working out at cruve is killing me but same time i think its whats helping.anyway i love you hun ill try and keep the comp running hopefuly dan will have it fixs by monday.luv you lots hugs kat if you need me im here too hugs

last nght at my group is was very intense.. ppl sharing alot of things, and iwould like to share with you and just hope you dont think im totally nuts.. we were asked what we need to stop our bingeing (oh yeah, at night ive been having alot of probs with that, thats a whole other story.. one im not proud of and i hate it but i cant seem to stop) and i said, and i just thought im going to be totally honest, i said i realized that part of me doesnt want to recover because ive had it for so long i dont know any other way, and that its just familiar to me.. i know that sounds horrible and i shouldnt feel that way but i just do i cant help my feelings. i do know part of me does want to recover so i can be "normal" what ever that is.. but right now im just like i dont care about getting better wich sounds horrible, i think its all just hard right now becuae last thursday was when i went into the hospital for the treatment program. ive been doing my writting (poems) and made the mistake of showing albert and he got all mad at me saying im getting to be like i was before i went to the program, and i just said hello ive gained 50 pounds (sob which i hate) so obviously im not in the same space.. the thoughts and feelings are the same, i dont know that they will ever change i hope to *ell they do, but ive kind of resigned myself that its never going to change.. but part of me does want to, its just trying to get that part to be more than the not wanting to get better part. anyways, sorry to dump all this im just having a hard time eating my meals, then at night i binge, albert doestn know ive been hiding it etc, which makes me angry at myself for now getting into this, only good thing im not purging... im just really frustrated and i am just fighting so hard to feel good about myself but right now i just cant. thanks for listening i hope i didnt upset anyone by what i said, love suzy

oh yeah and i have to get my meds early because of going on my trip and i know the pharmacy is going to give me a hard time, cause they will only give it to me just before i need them, so thats stressing me out too........

Oh Suzy my dear, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with your eating disorder. There was a doctor on Good Morning America today talking about how people had such a hard time with recovery because they had taken their disorder on as part of their identity. You my dear have so many other talents that you could identify yourself with. I hope and pray that you can get back into control. You are such a sweet person, I hate to hear that you feel so hopeless about your situation.

There is always hope.

thank you so much cheryl... i really appreciate your kind words.. love suzy

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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