WINDZ OF CHANGES

last nght at my group is was very intense.. ppl sharing alot of things, and iwould like to share with you and just hope you dont think im totally nuts.. we were asked what we need to stop our bingeing (oh yeah, at night ive been having alot of probs with that, thats a whole other story.. one im not proud of and i hate it but i cant seem to stop) and i said, and i just thought im going to be totally honest, i said i realized that part of me doesnt want to recover because ive had it for so long i dont know any other way, and that its just familiar to me.. i know that sounds horrible and i shouldnt feel that way but i just do i cant help my feelings. i do know part of me does want to recover so i can be "normal" what ever that is.. but right now im just like i dont care about getting better wich sounds horrible, i think its all just hard right now becuae last thursday was when i went into the hospital for the treatment program. ive been doing my writting (poems) and made the mistake of showing albert and he got all mad at me saying im getting to be like i was before i went to the program, and i just said hello ive gained 50 pounds (sob which i hate) so obviously im not in the same space.. the thoughts and feelings are the same, i dont know that they will ever change i hope to *ell they do, but ive kind of resigned myself that its never going to change.. but part of me does want to, its just trying to get that part to be more than the not wanting to get better part. anyways, sorry to dump all this im just having a hard time eating my meals, then at night i binge, albert doestn know ive been hiding it etc, which makes me angry at myself for now getting into this, only good thing im not purging... im just really frustrated and i am just fighting so hard to feel good about myself but right now i just cant. thanks for listening i hope i didnt upset anyone by what i said, love suzy

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
WINDZ OF CHANGES	[email protected]