Okay a reeeeallly crappy health day but that's not what I need to vent about. I apologize in advance for how long it takes me in this post to get to what I'm really frustrated about.  If you read thru all this you get a medal for perseverance!  Here goes.....

 

First off, to explain...I am a survivor of abuse, pretty awful stuff that I probably shouldn't go into here in any details whatsoever.  Not just emotional/physical abuse but sexual and ritual abuse too.   I'm doing the best I can in healing from all of it of course.  However there was an awful situation late last year at a sexual survivor site I am a Moderator on, in which I wasn't sufficiently warned, by other Mods who knew, about the dangers posed by a cult survivor on the site.  So far as I knew their cult abuse issues were all in their past and they were striving to heal from them which I could help with.  Well unbeknownst to me they were still IN a cult current day, which I did not know about!  That is incredibly dangerous not just for them but for me as I could have been pulled back into a cult myself...(due to programming signals that could have been transmitted to me).  Though I got clear of that situation  and got them banned from the survivor site in the process, thereby protecting alot of other members, nobody else was doing SPIT about it!     Members were screaming at other Mods(I found out later) to get me out of that situation and nobody told me a d*mn thing.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  

 

 Well, as you can imagine, that situation roiled up a bunch of stuff from my own past plus creating issues of trusting the Mods on that site in the future.  The only one who can protect me is me.  Trust noone basically.  They were supposed to watch my back, keep me in the loop and didn't. They withheld vital need-to-know facts that could have protected me a lot. 

 

Several members were furious at the other Mods on my behalf because the Mods clearly didn't take the dangers to me seriously enough and did not warn me about current day goings on that I desperately needed to know about and didn't.   Well, while those members, true friends of mine, were ready to take on the Mods in a knock down drag out, I didn't want a fight over it all so I said 'leave it'. 

 

At that point, after such a narrow escape the last thing I needed was a nuclear meltdown on the site, and tons more stress.   And it was probably the right call.  The people who withheld info swear of course they did not, while I have proof they did (from other members who were worried about me getting in over my head, which I was but didn't know of bcs. of withheld info--it was a horribly close call that I did get out unscathed, yes, even over the internet).   Yeesh.   Nice for my supposed comrades in arms, my fellow Mods, to have selective amnesia huh??? 

 

Anyways, I thought I'd pretty much recovered from all that by now but within the past 2 weeks a new member to the survivor site has talked of and brought up so many similarities to the situations of that dangerous member last year, too many parallels by half, that I am being 'triggered' (alarmed,panicked) all over the place.   It well may not be the same person, we do have ways to track computer locations and find that out....however it has unsettled me enough that I cannot deal with that person in any way shape or form even though they only write in the area I am supposed to be moderating and it's my job to deal with them!  Go figure. There's supposed to be 3 of us working there and I'm the only one able to right now.  Argh.  Well I've refused to work with them.  Which forces other Mods to step in and monitor them.  Frankly....GOOD!

 

Anyways what bothers me most is not that they're on my forum area...if I see more current danger I will just turn and walk away if I have to, no warning, just leave.  If I had to, truthfully,  I'd drop the entire site, even after having been there over 10 years I'll just walk. I don't want to, I have many friends there and many people who trust me and rely on me and even look up to me. (crikey) 

 

No, the frustration right now is that I am a plain member, not a Mod, on another survivor site, with people I know and trust....but wouldn't you just KNOW it, also on that site is someone who is a Mod from the site I'm a Mod at....so I feel soooooooo limited in what I can say and talk about over there because they are there also and have issues left over from last year's situation I am sure.  In fact they were one of the ones most adamant that no facts were withheld from me.  Utter BS!   ARGH. 

 

So it's the lack of freedom to talk that is driving me bats currently.  I do appreciate just having somewhere to come and vent about that.  I really do appreciate it guys even though I haven't given you many details, which I think is for the best.  Thanks.

Tinsel

 

My incredibly slow healing leg and foot, which gives me no warnings whatsoever when it's had enough until it suddenly packs in, is also frustrating the bleep out of me, so is the CFS, I am doing SPIT day to day...no hobbies, so yeah I'm frustrated on that too.  But this is the big frustration right now.  Hubby isn't somebody I can talk to, so thanks for letting me blow abit.