Yesterday I was listening to someone talk on TV about the holidays and depression.
For me, one song has always bothered me and each year, I always think of it as the Holidays approach. The song is "I'll be home for the holidays." At least I think that's the title.
Everytime I hear it, I think of the times before any tragedy struck my life. I guess I never thought tragedy ever would strike my life, so I was always content with the anticipation of the Holidays approaching.
On this show, they also talked about a broken heart. I think that can be defined in more than one way. If asked, WHAT is a broken heart, what would you answer?
For me, it's like my heart was once whole, it was happy, and then tragedy struck. It didn't strike the first time with my child dying. It struck the first time when my grandfather died. That holiday, I saw my mom crying, I saw my grandma crying, and I cried myself. For grandpa was like the foundation for all of us. Without him, it changed the Holidays.
Then I lost my grandma, and it changed more. I think I cried more than anyone because she and I were so close.
Then I lost my son. I think that's when I began to lose my mind.
Then I lost my mom. Then my brother.
My whole life changed.
I guess I always remember the happy times when we were all together.
Three years ago my sister begged me to drive the 900 miles home to have Christmas, as it USED to be. I told her it would never be as it USED to be, at least not for me. She said she wanted to make the meal like mom used to make, and just have the rest of us be together.
I went. I drove thru a blizzard to get there. But it wasn't the same. It never will be.
I think we focused on dad most of all, trying to give him the love and perhaps a little piece of the past. We tried. My sister and I cooked a meal like mom used to do. We played music like we used to do. But when it came time to open gifts, I think my heart just sort of died a little more. As I watched everyone open their gifts, I kept remembering that tube of lipstick I got gram the year I was 12 and how much she made such a big deal about it, being her favorite color, etc. My heart was full of pride that day, feeling I had made her happy.
I thought about that lamp I got mom that one year, the one she wanted but didn't want to spend the money on. When she opened the box and saw it, tears sprang into her eyes as she said, "Sharon, you shouldn't have........" and I said, "Hush."
And then I thought about the years when Andy was small, and how happy he was, when Santa paid a visit to our house and to grandma's and grandpa's. I think he thought every kid had Santa visit them personally. I heard him telling his friend how Santa came and even had dinner with us. The kid thought Andy was nuts and told him he was lying. Andy got upset and said he was NOT lying, Santa DID come, and then he said, "Didn't he mom?" I said "Yes, he sure did."
Memories. Some make us shed tears and some make us smile as we remember.
I'm carrying many this year. For some reason, this year is just beginning to start with all these things for me. Why, I don't know.
I know we won't have a tree because the three of us just don't feel like it......again.
Randy told me the other day, "Mom, I'll help you with Thanksgiving dinner this year." I thought, "Wouldn't it be so much easier to just go out this year?" Instead I said, "Ok, you've got to do the dressing." He replied, "I will mom, I will."
Amy called and said she's spending the Holidays in Wisconsin this year. She wants to be with old friends. She knows to come home, nothing is like it used to be. Right now she's waiting for that big box of candy I will be shipping to her. She's already put her wish list in for what kind of chocolates she wants. I already sent one package out early, a new heavy winter coat for the cold Minneapolis days. And a new hat and gloves. I have to make sure my daughter keeps warm.
I'm about done shopping for the year. I don't buy much anymore. Everyone wants something homemade instead. My house is filled with wood things I've made, ribbons, lace, paints, etc. My best friend told me last year, "Those are the best kind of gifts anyone could ever get." I've knitted her a sweater. I think she'll like it.
But even though my life is different now, I must go on. Hard as it is, I must push myself because of the others. I want them to be happy. So I will remember those years from long ago before tragedy struck my life. Yes, I might have to wipe away a tear with some of those memories, but I will also be able to smile at many of them.
I'm going to do my best to make this year a little better than last was. I'm going to remember those who I love and care about. After all, isn't that what the Holidays are for?
I know this is early, but I felt like writing it now......I want to wish you all a gentle holiday season this year. And just remember, when the heart tugs come strong, remember all those good times. It's ok to cry and laugh at the same time. It's ok to hurt. And it's ok to remember that someone knows your pain.
Sharon
God bless you, Sharon, and may the holidays be peaceful for you this year. 
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