Christians Caring and Sharing

Monette and I were talking about writing and the holidays and she asked if I could write something about them so here we are. Hope it helps at least one person a little. Hugs to everyone who has had a loss and finds the holidays a difficult time to get through each year.

Grief and the Holidays

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Christmas is just around the corner once again and, once again, I find myself dreading any shopping I need to do. The sight of candy canes and the sound of Christmas music still make me slightly sick to my stomach. I never have been a big fan of Christmas and I think losing a child just made it worse. Last year I found myself crying in a Walgreens store when I came across a display of “It’s A Wonderful Life�?items. I found a bell that had the saying from the movie about an angel getting her/his wings every time a bell rings. So I picked it up and gently rang it thinking of my angels in heaven. Then I went home without buying a thing.

It doesn’t seem quite fair that these feelings should linger so long after the death of a child. After all, I may have decades left of my own life. So am I doomed to feel this way every year at this time? Perhaps if I allow myself to do so, yes, I will. However, I have found two ways to cope and turn those feelings around.

The main key to handling the holidays as a grieving parent is to take your focus off of yourself and how you feel and put it somewhere else. Certainly there are countless places we can channel our energies. Granted you may not feel very energetic and the thought of doing anything extra seems overwhelming to you. I will let you in on a secret, though. Once you start going in a different direction and your mind is taken away from own problems, you will start to feel more like doing something.

To give you a specific example, for Christmas two years ago I “adopted�?a group of canine handlers who were in the service in Bosnia. These were all very young men far from home and I could see my sons in them. When I started telling my online friends about them I was asked if they could send boxes, too. Then I thought about having them send Christmas cards and I also asked my son’s 3^rd grade class to write cards. I asked the young men what they specifically would like and I found myself actually looking forward to trips to the store to hunt down various items such as favorite candies and warm socks. I hadn’t felt such excitement since before my nephew had died (Doug died Dec. 3 in 1995 and my son died April 1996). Gleefully I found a deck of cards from the Small Soldiers movie, found huge chocolate bars on sale, and added an assortment of silly items sure to make them smile.

One day I realized that I was handling the holiday season much better than I had been in a long time. This new feeling gave me the energy to do all the ordinary tasks that I, as a mom, had to always take on such as finding gifts for teachers, making meals for holiday potlucks, preparing packages to be mailed to relatives and buying the stocking stuffers for our own children. This was such an important lesson for me.

The other coping mechanism I would encourage all grieving parents to apply to their lives is to minimize. If you were supermom or –dad and each year the house is completely decorated top to bottom, you baked dozens of homemade cookies and made huge meals, and you shopped until you dropped, well, just stop doing it. Your life has changed and it is fine to change with it. You may think you are letting people down by doing this or making things worse but you will find, surprisingly enough, that this just isn’t so. If you are VERY sure it is such a bad thing then at the very least start new traditions. Buy refrigerated cookies and bake those. Have your gifts wrapped at the store. Buy an item from a deli to bring along for a potluck. Don’t wear yourself out with all the details. I can assure you the bottom will not drop out of the world because you didn’t do these things.

When my children were younger I fell into the “supermom�?trap and each Christmas found me exhausted and cranky. After Shawn died I cut back to the bare minimum and I actually found myself much more relaxed, which, in turn, lowered the stress level of the entire family. It wasn’t as important to do all those things we feel are a “must�?of the holidays but rather to take time to be with the family who still is here with us.

No one wants to be in this situation. Certainly there is not one parent who thinks losing a child is a good thing but let’s keep in mind that saying that God does not close a door without opening a window. Think of this as your wake-up call to stop, take a breath and remember what is really important to your family. Certainly we all enjoy the fresh-baked cookies, the gifts, and the parties but do we need them? Absolutely not. But we DO need our families. So think of this as your gift to them. I guarantee no one will complain.

If you still have children to raise, find a project you can all be involved in. My sons were SO enthusiastic about helping me fill the box for my soldiers and it turned out to be so much fun. When I got the letter telling me how much they enjoyed it all the boys had big smiles on their faces, too. Remember, they have lost someone, too. Perhaps they are feeling sad inside and so by including them in a project you will be helping them, too. If you don’t know what to do, call your local social services, church or schools. Look in the newspapers for opportunities to help such as by buying or making warm clothing and blankets. If you are short on money but wish to help cut coupons and shop clearances for items to donate. Offer to help with a toy drive or a soup kitchen, visit some lonely folks in a nursing home, join in if a group you know is going caroling, but include your other family members.

If you have no children left at home or are alone it can be harder to motivate yourself but, again, you will find once you get past that first hard step it will become easier. What better way to celebrate Christmas than to give of yourself? Isn’t that what it is supposed to be all about? Of course it is and your reward is that you will find the holidays easier to handle for yourself. What more of a blessing and gift can we ask for ourselves than that?

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Laurie J. Crist

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