PONDERISMS

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
people die of natural causes.
· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
· The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is
to buy a replacement.
· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the
dead.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.
· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smill when you see one tumble down
the stairs.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no
attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I
have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its butt."
· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?
· Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?
· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
· If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme
crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from
morons?
· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
when
he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head
out the window?
. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it
arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?