I saw this board look a bit bare so decided to share with you all my testimony or at least some of it! 

I pray someone else will be touched because of my sharing and that others too may feel encouraged to share someof what God has done for them.  All glory be to God!

Maria
"A heart of flesh"

I was born 55 years ago in a predominantly Catholic community in the south of Holland.

I was the 3rd daughter of my parents and later they had 2 sons.
From my childhood  I remember that I was 'different' I had a heart condition, I wasn't expected to live past 15 yrs of age, and was very restricted in my activities. This caused me to be a lonely child, but I do recall loving Jesus and when I went for my very first confession as a 6 yr. old, I felt so clean, so pure, so loved.  I cant recall what terrible sins I had committed to feel so relieved lol.
 
At the age of 9, or there abouts, I had missed a Sunday in church due to the lack of proper footwear.  When this was discovered by the nuns at my school it felt as if all hell broke loose.  I was dragged into the church, into the confessional and made to confess this mortal and unforgivable sin.  Upon my return to school the news had spread and I was haunted across the playgrounds by schoolmates chanting 'You are going to hell....you are going to hell'  this not only caused me to isolate even more, but it hardened my heart against God, because I became afraid.  My childlike love for, and trust in Jesus, had been marred, and the door of my heart was closed by an unseen hand.
 
At age 14 I became the first open heart surgery patient in my part of the world and survived it particularly well.  Equipment of course was nothing like you find these days in modern operating theaters.  I was anaesthetized and placed in a tub of ice to lower my body temperature (this becomes a significant part of my experience in later years).
 
I met my husband, Jerry, in 1965 and we were married before the registrar in 1969 but didn't live as husband and wife till after our church wedding in 1970, (such a contrast with modern ways)
In 1971 we left Holland on a huge passenger ship as we had chosen to emigrate to New Zealand.
 
We settled here and had a daughter, Jo-ann in 1974, we lost a little boy, Adrian, in 1976 and I gave birth to our son Vincent in 1978.    On the outside we were the perfect little family and all was going well.  No one knew what was going on inside of me.  I was fearful, angry, lonely, hungry and cold.  I found it difficult to show love or compassion.  I had a heavy lump of ice where most people had  a heart.  I sometimes thought that maybe they hadn't thawn me properly after my heart surgery.  I was a clown and happy on the outside but inside the masks were firmly in place.
 
In 1980 I decided to get educated, never having had a secondary education, I enrolled at the local highschool as an adult student.  After 1 yr. study I was accredited my university entry pass.  But I had collapsed under the strain of playing games, wearing masks, feeling dead inside, I had a nervous breakdown.  I sometimes did wonder about God but He was to be avoided because I had not forgotten that He was the one going to send me to hell.  I also got interested in horoscopes and other occult activities.
 
In 1982 we returned to Holland with our children for the first time after 11 yrs.  What a time that was.  My friend Anita had recently lost her husband in a work accident and I was reluctant to meet with her.  I didn't want to see her pain, I didn't want to be her comforter.  She kept insisting we come stay for a few days and I ran out of excuses to put her off.  So we went!
This was so of God.  This woman lost in grief and yet so full of the love of the Lord! She shared poems, thoughts, insights with me I had  never heard before.  I was afraid!!!  I excused myself, I needed to be alone and went for a walk in her garden.  I stood to admire some butterflies and I began to sense a stirring in my heart, but was too afraid to let it free.
Anita and I talked and talked and talked.  She was the first one to get a glimpse inside the real me, and she treated me with such love and acceptance that it was overwhelming.
Before we left to return to New Zealand she gave me a beautiful book of poetry entitled 'A butterfly from God'.  It spoke to my heart but I was afraid. 
 
Within a week of returning to New Zealand I felt so lost, so destitute, I had to do something.  I went to church.  If God was real maybe I could find Him there!! I cant recall what happened, all I know is that at the end of the service they invited people who wanted to invite God into their life, to raise their hand.  I did but was fighting not to.  My inner voice was telling me that I was making a complete idiot of myself.  I went forward for prayer but if that was supposed to be the most important decision of my life, as this woman told me it was, then why was I so afraid, so dark, so depressed?
Everything felt black and heavy.  The woman did ask me if I had ever been involved in the occult , but not even knowing what the word meant I said 'NO!'
This feeling lasted for 3 days and after that I only had 2 choices, suicide or help.  I called the only other Christian I knew and she invited me over to her place that night.  She and her husband asked me the same question about occult involvement, again I denied it.  Then I asked her to explain what it was and as she told me about horoscopes, sceances, fortune-telling, divination, etc...I laughed.  'Yeah I done those things but its just a game, just for fun'.  I didn't believe in the devil or dark powers.  Patiently they explained it to me and asked me permission to pray with and for me.  'OK go ahead' I thought 'you are all loonies and I am nuts to go along with this hocus pocus'.  These people had been nice to me and I didn't want to upset them so I went along and prayed as they suggested I should, renouncing occult and all works of the devil.  IT WORKED!!!!   The heaviness left, the darkness left, the oppression left!!!!!   Praise God!!
 
Yet inside I remained cold, unable to hug or be hugged, frozen emotionally!
This went on for months, until one night I went to church and had my first ever vision.
During the singing of the chorus 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Your love has melted my heart'
I saw this giant hand and on its palm was a huge ice-cube, inside this ice-cube was a heart!  A real flesh and blood beating heart, but it was frozen and cold.
As the singing continued the ice around this heart began to melt, drops began to fall, as I witnessed this in the vision an inner change also began to happen.  I began to weep.  I felt my heart, that cold frozen heart, suddenly exposed to this warmth, the ice began to melt and soon all I could see was this real life flesh and blood heart!  Pulsating! Alive!!  I COULD FEEL!!
The song continued but I had become oblivious to my surroundings, here was Jesus Himself, awakening my frozen heart to His love, His touch, His warmth, His life!!    As I continued to weep before my God, the ice continued to melt and I became alive, I had a real heart at last!!
 
During the following years God slowly began to deal with past abuse issues.  He healed me, step by step, little by little.  I had little recall of the abuse that had taken place, but by His Holy Spirit He began to move and but by bit my life began to make sense.  Like a giant jig saw puzzle, over the next 6 or 7 year, the pieces began to fit. 
 
I began to ask God what to do with the things He had done in my life.  I had undergone a drastic change, from ugly caterpillar, through the transformation in the safety of the cocoon called 'healing journey', I had been reborn!  Where to from here.? What was in store for God's butterfly? 
 
4 years ago I had a dream.  I was by the edge of a large lake, carrying a satchel.  People were in the lake and some were in trouble but too far away for me to reach.  A voice spoke and said 'throw your satchel in the lake!' I instantly obeyed and as the satchel hit the water it burst open.  There exposed for all to see, where my rags, all the grime, dirt, hurt, wrongs, stained and tarnished areas of my inner self wide open.  Before I had much chance to be horrified or attempt to retrieve my trash,  it changed, the rags formed into some sort of a vessel, small but sturdy.  Again I heard the voice,  'Jump!!'    I jumped and landed on top of this vessel and it began to float to the centre of the lake where I was able to help people onto the vessel and we together drifted to the edge of the lake and to safety. 
As I hovered on the verge of waking up, I heard the voice once more, it said 'don't waste your rags!'  I sensed the meaning of the dream.  I felt a sense of call to take the pain of my past and allow God to use it to bring hope and healing to others. (2 Corinthians 1: 3+4 came to mind)
 
'Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of al compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God'
 
That same day, as I tuned my radio to the local Christian station, I heard that the  Bible College of New Zealand was offering a 3 yr. diploma course in Christian Counseling.  Places were limited and applications soon to close.  I sensed that here was a connection with the dream and I phoned for an application form.
On this form, the question was asked why I felt I was called to train as a Christian Counsellor, and all I did was write out my dream and submitted it.  I was accepted and last week, together with my fellow students we were commissioned during a service at the Bible College as we completed the theoretical and academic part of our training. 
 
There is so much more to tell, so many glimpses of God along the path which has by no means been easy.  But He who has promised is faithful and He wont give us more than we can carry.
There is still more work to do, the transformation process seems to repeat in cycles, but all praise be to God because all that this painful process does is change me from glory to glory and with each step I become more like Him as I surrender all to Jesus!
 
Maybe its   not surprising that I feel the need to close with a verse from Ezekiel 36:26 that sums up my testimony so beautifully:
 
I will give you a new heart
and put a new spirit in you;
I will remove from you
your heart of stone (ice)
and give you
a heart of flesh!'