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| | From:  SyrenernasTid (Original Message) | Sent: 22/06/2008 12:02 a.m. |
Hello there,
wonderful to find this board. Many of the stories could have been written by me.
We adopted a boy at 3 years of age, and all seemed okay until fifth grade. Oh, there were the screaming fits with no apparent reason, or throwing all his toys out the window stuff, but that all made no sense and he was soon okay. Just bothersome that he always wanted me to buy him stuff - proof I loved him, so to say.
Anyway, puberty was a Thursday, and it went downhill immediately. Overt sexuality; girlfriends he changed more often than his underwear; aggression; refusal to do school work; just not caring about anything. We arranged an anonymous meeting with his birthfamily, in the hopes of calming things down, and it seemed to help a bit.
But by seventh grade it was getting worse daily. He was thrown out of school - all sorts of teachers had earnestly tried to help him - and we began the journey of special schooling - running away - petty thievery - cops calling me to come pick him up and him running away inside of 2 hours. When my father-in-law died he actually came along to the funeral, had a suit bought for himself, and then started breaking stuff in Grandpa's garage and stealing from his cousin. We realized that he was stealing from us and purchased a safe and closets that lock.
He was in therapy, but would not always go. Eventually he robbed an old lady and was thrown into jail. He spent 5 months in detention, then a year at a home that was going to "cure" him. They insisted he was not mentally ill (although I told them about ASPD, and about "What I loved" by Siri Hustveldt, a wonderful book), they were just going to discipline him and he would react as an ordinary person. They put him in a regular school - he goes most days, but does nothing except cause trouble and is flunking out.
We have him back in the first institution that provides very strict schooling from the fall. But they have no place for him to stay in their boarding school, so he will be coming home to sleep. He will be gone about 12 hours a day.
We had rather just gotten our lives organized without him, now he will be back - for how long? Are we strong enough to not let him manipulate us? I don't know. I applied for psychotherapy and was denied it. I "only" have trouble with my kid, that's not a sickness, they said. I can't afford to pay for it myself.
On the one hand, he has taken anti-aggression classes and is much, much calmer. On the other hand - will it all change if he comes back home? He currently has a girlfriend (and of course a few on the side) with a baby (not his). He is very gentle with the baby. But somehow I can't believe that he is that much better.
We shall see - I am so glad that this group exists! That means that I can at least write something anonymously.
Bless you all.
SyrenernasTid
(Time for Lilacs, one of my favorite songs by Per Gessle) |
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Oh dear!  This sounds familiar I had an adopted child too - and he was strange in ways that did not reveal themselves to me until after my biological child was born two years later She was a premmie and came home when she was four weeks old - and the adopted P came to us when he was only two weeks old And I will never forget that high-pitch angry wail that go on for hours He thrived All he did was scream - suck - and sleep and I'd look at him in his bassinet and think "You're really beautiful but there's something wrong with you" My doctor told me that there are some babies that make everyone's life hell for months - he kept it up for 16 years. What I can tell you about the adopted infant's scream is something you've probably felt yourself - and yet maybe not had a name for your feeling or even had anyone else acknowledge it I called it "The Unknown Other" - and I would see people struggling with him - teachers, social workers, doctors, finally his probation officer. I was in court - and I saw the probabion officer struggling to explain my son's attitude and behaviour under oath - and by chance my then-husband and I went home and this guy was stumped He understood there was something else no one understood But I had some good emails from the manager of a group called "Adoptese" who told me that the unknown other is the adopted child's birth mother No wonder so many adopted people get angry If I can help you out at all - with more info than I can post atm - please let me know Sparky |
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yes indeed - the other.
We tried to include his birthmother from the start. We called her "Mamastar", because she was dead and in heaven and she was one of the stars looking down on him and watching over him.
The other is his birthfather - the guy who killed his mother while he watched. Now we realize that the trauma needed to be taken care of RIGHT WHEN HE WAS SMALL. But all the "experts" told us to keep it quiet. Not mention it. He was so small. He will forget. He will get over it. But he didn't.
We told him when he was 6 and asked insistently. He told some kids at school when he was 10 and we got called in instantly and lectured that our son was watching too much TV and fantasizing. We said, no, that's true. Everyone hushed up, but no one did anything.
He should have been in psychiatric treatment before puberty. But we thought that love would heal all wounds. It didn't.
I suppose I am just scared that he is coming back inside, even when I put on a brave outside. It is nice to have a group here to write to. |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 4 of 5 in Discussion |
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Hi, I'm new to this group. Another adopted son here. Adopted at 2 weeks old from county adoption agency. He is 28 years old now and your stories of childhood all sound sadly familiar. He was diagnosed as ADHD by age 3, then conduct disorder by 11, then ASPD sometimes called sociopath by 18. We have "helped him out" many times (bought cars, loaned money, let him live with us for a while) but his life is still a mess. Says he's going to school to be "this" or "that" but never seems to accomplish anything. Lies, sob stories, disorganization, seedy friends - that's his life. Right now we are free of him as he moved out last month, but he is just out there on the fringes and we know we will hear from him when he's in a bind. But I want to be ready to say "NO" lovingly but firmly. I hope this group will be the help I need. |
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You did nothing wrong in holding back with the information because you were doing what you believed was right and what a nightmare His father killed his mother in front of him - my God - he saw that and I know he may have had trouble calling the memory into his conscious mind but these things don't go away And for both of you and for everyone else with adopted children who keep pushing and pushing The damage was done before we got them - and we did and do our best and I am still wondering about the best thing to do with children that are available for adoption I know I made a mistake adopting him - but I was young and ignorant and wanted a baby and they sure did keep the truth about the illegality of adoption of stolen children back then I have no advice - all I can do is read your stories and assure you that it's not your fault I don't know if fault can be laid and anyone's feet But I don't believe in adoption now - I mean - anyone can adopt someone if they want to - it's up to them But when we adopt a baby or small child - we have no idea of what is coming to our door-step at the same time Sparky BTW - there is information about Adopted Children on the side board There is an article - I think it's published on-line here called The Primal Wound It won't answer all your questions but it may be a start |
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