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I think there are times in our lives when we hit a crucial point of choice and no return, and each time we find ourselves at that point we are faced with life altering decisions. Sometimes it is the experiences we've already had that impact our choices, sometimes its the 'what if' of the unknowable that pulls us forward and sometimes it is acceptance and determination to grasp the helm of our lives and drive onward that brings our lives into sharp focus. And then again, sometimes ... its all of the above colliding and creating a furnace like none you've gone through before, a test of personal survival and self-determination. A year ago, 13 months to be exact I found myself on the brink of mental, emotional and financial collapse ... Life was pulling me through the wringer none to gently and I almost broke under the strain of it all. I beleive to this day that it was preceeded by a serious of dreams and visions, I look back at my journals and memories and understand some of the sign posts and even know why I reacted as I did. I looked at a life out of my control, at the mercy of everything else and decided to take back what I could ... my health and mind. There was a period of 3 or 4 days where I wept continously because of the pain and sheer frustration of having every attempt I made forward thwarted and destroyed and then ... I turned inward, I walked for miles and miles along one lakeshore or another, I coursed the parks and trails in silence. I had hit a point where there was no arguing with the universe, only letting myself experience it for what it was ... a trial by fire. I had no money, no work, almost lost my home and could barely feed my child. I walked and walked, exercising my demons and making peace with myself ... my mind and body was the only thing I still had control over, I examined my spirit and held it up to the light of the universe and saw where adversity had worn parts so thin the light shone through. The revelation that I really could grow strong and true under the harshest conditions was enough to both spur me on and open me wide to the possibilities that existed. Possibilities that the cosmos hinted at through tarot readings, dreams and visions. It was that point where I decided to dedicate myself to the Powers That Be ... I had decided that if I was to reach for my potential, I would do so with the gods blessing and guidance. I had already chosen my career, but it now became a vechile of service to the universe. I would use my gifts to help guide and guard those that needed me the most and to set a light of potential within each of them. Each individual that crossed my path, now crossed my path for a reason, I would either learn from them or I would champion them and value their worth ... there are so many special needs children and people that fail to see the wonder that they truly are ... I pledged myself to the gods to rekindle as many soul-lights as I could with the gifts that they had blessed me with. All I asked for was the Peace, Strength and enough Prosperity to be able to pull it off without having to worry about where my next meal was coming from. Through meditation and divination I created a full ceremonial ritual that put me, through oath and blood into the service of the Light ... then I sat back, listening and waiting. There was the sudden resurfacing of the local pagan community coinciding with the startling visions I was having under shamanic trance of the gods guiding me towards my journey and evolution. Some may remember Odin and the winding road. Or the constant references to Cups (of Tarot) and the spiritual/occult significance of Water. I began to question the existence of gods ... I have always been Elemental in my spirituality as opposed to accepting Divinity as a issue, at best I accepted the gods as a cosmic archetype generated and sustained by the human psyche, something possibly fabricated in order to understand our place in the cosmos. Funny thing is ... the questioning was brought to the fore by the every fact that they were beginning to manifest in my life ... first the animal spirits of my trances, then Odin and his totems, a Crone figure haunted me and my life became rife with omens & sign posts that marked significant events. I thought I was losing my mind, but the determination to be Open & Aware kept me going. I became immersed in the spiritual aspect of the Craft, creating gateways for others to pass through and I looked at the children and those that crossed my Path, fanning the smallest sparks of magic into fires that burned bright in the people I had agreed to serve. I began to Live in the cycle of the seasons and the elements, I learned there was a time and season for everything ... timing is indeed everything. |
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Hi Red, You've sparked more than a few new insights for me since my joining of this group. I've placed myself in the service of the noble higher forces and potentials sometime ago as well. Their guidance, gifts of knowledge and many insights isn't given to us for just our own benifit it seems and for me it doesn't seem to come without a price. I've been gifted an extraordinary amount of insights, many through some very rough life trials, so that I can help those special, powerful but lost or off track souls spinning in static and unfruitful circles it seems. The one I'm in contact with now is one of those special cases demanding extraodinary sacrifices on my part. Few can give what I'm being called to give to reach and revitalize this person, and to those around me who are witnesses to my actions and sacrifices I am appearing to be one of the biggest and greatest fools they have ever seen. But, I know what I'm doing and know why it is neccessary and is the only way to really reach them. And I am being looked after, things aren't really as precarious as they appear. So even though I am giving all of myself, heart, soul, and wealth and driving my friends and family crazy to my seeming stupidity I know that reaching this person is in the long run of things is more important than my immediate comfort and sanity. And that in the end I will bounce back a little better and wiser than before and will have helped this person return to their proper path. Gifts are tools that are meant to be used. Using them brings more gifts to use. Some of the most rewarding and neccessary works demand great sacrifices and effort. But when you offer up this service to the nobler gods they will gift you with the neccessary knowledge and tools. And when you prove yourself worthy of further responsibilities and harder works by your deeds they will supply you with whatever you need to grow and take on the greater tasks. But some of the greater tasks are very punishing in their accomplishment. It takes very special and dedicated folks to accomplish some mericles. Thank the gods there are a few of us out there ready to accept such difficult and demanding assignments and have the tools and gifts neccessary to accomplish otherwise impossible tasks. |
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Howdy Red, More power to you! Raw determination is the muscle behind a strong future  I've had my efforts at trying to fly. Granted, all of them ended me flat face on the ground with many bruises. I have learned that no matter HOW fast you flap your arms, jumping out of a tree will hurt!  Take it easy, Tad |
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Hi guys ... glad to see you two again, its been an astonishing year for me, one that has left me a ghost in my own halls. At the end of March I was offered a year long contract in a special needs classroom with young children ... apparently the school board felt I would be perfect for the job ... I was told over the phone 'those kids need you' By May I was firmly settled into a new school and attending weekly WCC classes and open temple rituals ... experimenting with my own occult training and how it interacted in group dynamics. Ritual had taken on a whole new meaning and lent my inner explorations a whole new twist, I still followed my shamanic/druidic path but had to find ways of translating it into a wiccan format in order to 'tune in' to the open circles. I had reached a new level of personal freedom since I was re-inventing myself physically (literally from the metabolic level onward) I lost weight and rebuilt my muscle structure in order to open energy pathways and to be able to 'play' with my kids, I meditated almost daily and increased my Awareness of people and my environment on a level I had never reached before... life had become both incredibly intense and yet dreamlike as I stood at the vortex of this whorlwind of change. I hosted spirit suppers, danced around a Maypole and began a short but profound friendship with a wiccan priestess named Morgan ... one that somehow offered a stabilizing force in an otherwise fast and chaotic life. She was this tiny and fierce lady bound to a wheelchair who one day commanded that someone bring her Red .. when we met, she clasped me tightly and seemed to look inside me ... at first she said nothing, then nodded her head and said "finally" ...lol.. the moment is seared in my mind forever because I looked back at this diminutative priestess and knew the gods had placed me on the right path and I could feel the weight of the moment ...not quite a milestone, but definitely a time of significance. We spoke online, on the phone and I visited her bedside every chance my scheduling would allow .. I would walk in her room and she would look at me and then proceed to tell me what she knew, lol it was like she knew things were going on that even I had bare hints of ... I'd laugh at her and we'd make light of her 'all seeing ways' Never in my life have I had a friend/mentor of her calibre ... an experience in itself to be cherished for what it was. She watched my transformation with a practiced eye, commenting here or there but leaving the helm in my hand. We talked occult 'shop' crafted intricate ideas, playing off of each others strengths .. she knew people, I knew theory. She was there as I struggled with the concept of a goddess in my life ... not the dried historical mythologies I had become used to over the years, but a real divine force that played havoc with my life, demanding acknowledgement and recognition ... gone was the scholarly unbiased opinion, replaced by shocking coincidences, revelations and spiritual signposts. I had vowed to serve... and serve I did. By June I was well underway in the crucible of my magical experiences ... I had begun assuming the Elements in ritual space ... standing as a Quarter and experiencing the scope of the guardians we called to circle. I started in Water (was around my birthday) ... I was out at the outdoor temple site (which is backed by the lake on 2 sides) and literally plugged into the water that quietly lapped the shore, so when I called the quarter in circle I had the astonishing sensation of having it flow through me and into the circle ... ... not sure if I left an account of it lying around the boards or not... but I had started off meditating at the waters edge, when I stood in circle and 'called' the western waters to me, I felt a channel open ... like water pouring through my body, I remember shivering like I had stepped into the lake itself. The water flowed through me and into the circle... creating a channel or magical trench that allowed the water to course the circle, it felt like I was standing in cool rushing water up to my knees ... I could track it with my eyes closed but a curious thing happened... the priest and priest had joined the circle instead of remaining inside it, and everytime the water flowed to them... instead of going through them as it did with everyone else (to my sight) it went around them, like water around a pillar... now since I had the priest on my left and the priestess once over on my right, it was almost a physical sensation feeling the water flow together with me and part around the priest beside me! I barely recall the actual ritual because I was so enthralled with what was happening to/with me, lol By solstice I had moved into Earth and had to learn the hard way of how to ground outward instead of inward, I also agreed to craft a labyrinth for the WCC's solstice ritual at Morgans request. It was initially intended to be a gift to the gods, but somehow Morgan twigged to my elemental crafting ... she even knew about the Red Hill spirals ... and asked if I would be of service to the WCC. It took its toll but was time and energy well spent :o) |
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Sounds like fascinating stuff and experiences, Red. Me, I've gotten mixed up with a very bad crowd and am beginning to wonder what the hell was I thinking getting mixed up with them. There's a very beautiful ex-hippy who has lost her way in the middle of it all and I feel that without a shadow of a doubt that her life will be ruined if I abandon her now. She's now an exotic dancers who is mixed up with a very bad gangster boyfriend. I'm a reminder of what she once was and once sought. I beleive the outrageous lengths I've gone to help her during her time with cancer, which she is now cured of thanks to surgery and treatmeant and perhaps prayers, and her recent spider bite on the face which got really bad and put her out of work for a while is finally begining to reach her and is revitalizing her faith in herself and fellow humanity. I have resisted all advances from her and from making advances towards her to get the point across that she herself is special for who she is and not just for her looks and what she can do. Its finally beginning to work and her boyfriend who was cool with us being friends is now thinking up some pretty desperate plans to keep her interests in him and reassert some control over both her and perhaps me. He's trying to corrupt me like he has done her and I'm trying reach him like I am her. I beleive I have succeeded a little bit but I'm having to be very careful. The man is sly and very manipulative and very proud of being the real deal as he sees it, gangster. I'm special and awesome in a lot of unique ways, even in his view, so I don't think I'm in any real danger yet and I have made it clear to him that even though I am a nice guy who doesn't want any trouble that I am also a very dangerous and crazy man that he doesn't want to have trouble with. He knows I am the real deal at what I claim so I don't think he's stupid enough to cause me any unneccessary trouble and I know he and his people aren't as tough as they act and are a bit scared of me. But still this situation has become a lot more than I have bargained for so I am trying to step out of it now before it gets out of hand and am letting her make her own choice to get out of it. I just thought of this and it feels right. I'll be there to suport her if she chooses to step out of her current way of life completely but its probably time for me to seperate myself from their bull crap way of life. |
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Hey Roger ... make the choices you know are right for you, okay? I look back and I think of the vow I made before the universe ... that I would serve wholeheartedly those in need ... if only I could be allowed to begin using my potential, by not having to worry ... all I wanted was to have enough Peace & Prosperity to do my work in the best way I could. Had I known what was ahead of me I may not have been so flippant in handing myself over to the Powers That Be ... By the time the end of June came around, I knew I'd be returning to that same classroom in September ... my job was secure til April and I had worked all my skill and gifts towards building a rapport with 12 dysfunctional children, all who had a teacher teetering on a nervous breakdown, depression and burn-out, and a atmosphere Peter Pan's lost boys would have adored. On the last day, I left them with hugs, gifts and promises that we'd see each other again in September. Little did I know that the next quarter was going to alter my life in ways not forseen. I applied for Unemployment Benifits as required (its a 2 month 'lay-off'), then applied to Welfare to help me through til the benefits came in. Welfare refused me on grounds that my U.I benifits were in process, therefore I needed to wait til they came in ... except it took the government almost 6 weeks to decide to deny me coverage. By week 4 I looked for work for the summer but all the part time jobs were already nailed down by students (ironic) ... I had 1 paycheck at the end of June that I had to use to carry me til my next official pay in September. $800 to cover $2100 in rent, and nothing for groceries and bills. Welfare still refused me at that point on grounds that I would be returning to work. I had a child to feed and appealed to every agency I could, including government agencies and politicians... all to no avail. Through-out July it was as though my heart, body and soul went through a crucible. My daughter ate because family bought us groceries which I made sure to last as long as I could. As I realized that there was going to be no funds coming in the house, I called the bill collectors and told them there was nothing for them til September, then I put the worries aside. When I ran out of food, my child went for sleep overs. It was a time when the gods took my pride and stripped it from me (although I kept my silence with most friends and family regarding the state of affairs) and showed me the scope of those things that mattered most ... Life becomes somewhat surreal when you have no control over certain things and you become a curious detached observer. It seemed to be a time of extremes .... I spent my time either walking the beach, bike riding or visiting people I hadn't had the time for while I worked. In short, I had fun. Strange ... I had no money, thousands of dollars in bills hanging unpaid over my head, I was in jeopardy of eviction from my home and groceries were scarce ... and yet, it was one of the best summers of my life as far as introspection and learning to live Life as its meant to be ... without the frills, bells or whistles.... I just took each day as it came to me. I played pool, spent every chance I could on the back of a Harley and learned things about myself I'll never forget. By mid August, the transformation had become obvious ... my body had changed through constant exercise and reduced diet, my mind had changed through introspection and awareness and my soul had experienced Truth in a new light. Morgan, who watched the transformation, said I looked stronger, more intense and made comment that my surety intimidated some and enticed others .... lol she made me promise to stay out of the Fire quarter until I had my own inner Fire under control. There was one aspect which continued to dog me through-out the entire summer ... everywhere I turned there were dreams, circumstances, 'coincidences' and beautifully orchestrated moments of synchronicity ... all revolving around a single greek entity. One who perplexed me, fascinated and even unnerved me all at once with the sign posts and symbology of her signature. Slowly and unavoidably my opinion of 'the gods' underwent a metamorphosis ... no longer were they a dusty, psychological prop for mankind ... the archetype they represent is still valid and pointed, but once you give that credence the flesh of Belief you give the universe a face and form to whom you can directly interact with. I used to think it the height of arrogance when people told me they had 'chosen' such & such god or goddess, I felt that if one was going to interact with the divine, one should be chosen rather then collecting gods willy-nilly.... and so, for 22 years I had no god, One or divinity I looked to above all others. If my Craft required invocation of deity, then so be it... I approached the concept with respect and openness... then carried on. Anyways, lol ... this was not to be the case with Hecate ... a goddess of choices, crossroads and transformations ... one whom made her touch evident in to many ways. It took a long time, but finally I decided to pay this enity heed and learn the lessons she could teach ... and so, I made the choice to invite diety into my life. Life had taken on a hue and vibrancy never before experienced ... I was finally and fully Awake for the first time in years ... I was open to the universe and tuned in, ready and willing to take on whatever came next because by that point, I realized I was on one hell of a learning curve. |
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Hi Red, My life has seemed out of my control for quite some time now. I go to odd places at the spur of the moment. I avoid making friends for the most part because I've always been a loner and few can relate to me. I talk to everyone however, I just don't allow many to make any real conection with me. I ussually find myself only making conections with people who are in real desperate need for a real friend and who's lives are a real mess. I have a hero complex or something. I don't always know how I know, but sometimes when I see certain people I just feel a conection and see the conection reflected in their eyes and ussually its with people I have very little in common with. These people are ussually unusually beautiful and unique souls in very bad need of help of somesort. I'm a mess myself most of the time, perhaps thats how I recognize them. I've helped a few people that the rest of society seems to want nothing to do with, because they seem to be a hopeless mess. Many who know me think i'm a hopeless mess. I'm not I just have different values and concerns. Sometimes I feel awake and am aware of seemingly everything and see clearly how everything works and is. Lately I have rarely felt that way. But even when I seem to be disconected from this higher state of being and awareness, I soon find it is often for a reason as you may have noticed with yourself and others. The disconection often leads me to someplace new where I am to relearn what I have forgotten or missed or to some work that I wouldn't discover without some restless and directionless wandering. I trust that I will always somehow wind up where I am meant be and sometimes how this often occurs has me wondering just how favored I really am. Its to keep me humble I guess, for my ego gets very full of itself very easily.  Your work with the special needs children sounds awesome. It takes a very special person I imagine and I'm glad they seem to have finally gotten just that someone who can perhaps make a difference for them and bring some joy in their lives. Do you find yourself learning unexpected and surprising thing from some of them sometimes? I often do. It amazes me how helping and teaching others often teaches and helps us, especially from the unlikeliest of sources, or at least in the last sort of place or people we would expect to find such answers and insights. |
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