Every year I make a memorial page for Cindy.  This year was no different.  If I ever learn how, I will make them part of her website.  But until then, I just mail them out by email, or put them on boards.  Sometimes the music doesn't work on MSN boards, but you can always put the music into your browser and hear it.  Just in case, the Music for this year is: http://ma6564.com/sounds/JoshGrobanToWhereYouAre.wav

To Cindy - Your Third Anniversary In Heaven

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My Dear Daughter, Cindy,

Cindy, I had to write to you on your “Heaven Day�?to say a few things you probably already know. I have heard that now you know everything, you see the whole picture. But, as you once told me, I have to SAY things, not just keep quiet and expect you to feel it. So here goes.

We miss you. We love you. We long to see you once again. But we live to make you proud, to make you know your death was not in vain. I will make your death count for something. I still feel I was robbed, that your children were robbed, when you were taken so violently. The only way that we can try to replace that loss is to make your death a cause. So with that, we hold you up as a symbol of what domestic violence can do to a family. In order that you not be forgotten by others, that your name lives on, I search for ways to spread the word about domestic violence, mental illness.

On this day, the third anniversary of the day you left this earth, we continue to hold you close, with love and hope in our hearts and minds.

Thoughts of you have filled me this week. I reflect on you as a sweet little girl, the girl who would drag a puppy or kitty in the house and say, “I found it! It needs me! Mommy, please can I keep it?�?I think of when your cat had kittens and promptly left them, you searched and searched for her, telling that YOU couldn’t be a mommy to four newborn kittens; that she HAD to come home. I think of the little girl who, whenever we had family visit from out of town, cried uncontrollably when they left. I remember the little girl, so free, so fearless, who let go of her Mommy and Daddy’s hands, went running ahead of us and took a leap into a fountain. I remember the teenager, and try to pinpoint just when it all went sour. I think of the day you told me you were mad because all your friends said their parents were so “square�?and you couldn’t say that; how you WANTED to say that. It was as if you were groping for a reason to turn from me. Yet, I think of you as an adult, still rebellious when it came to me, yet you would have me stop the car so you could buy a rose from the street vendor, ask me for the money, then turn and hand that rose to me. Oh, how you loved roses.

“Cindy Stories�?fill my mind You were so funny, so beautiful, so happy; you endeared yourself to everyone who met you. Your heart was huge; your capacity to love infinite, your joy for adventure was contagious.

Your children miss you every day, Cindy. They feel your love even now. They are not, in the least, unsure that their mother loved them. Their memories are of you playing football with them, watching Saturday morning cartoons with them, of the wonderful meals you cooked for them, continue to assure them. They are growing so big, maturing, yet never forgetting. You have to be proud as you look over them, now as their guardian angel. I know you have to be looking down in amazement at their durability. I remember that proud and confident smile you would have when you drew back and just gazed at the miracles you had produced. I think of your words, “Mom, I may be a real mess up in everything else, but would you just LOOK at those kids? I did not do so bad with them, did I?�?They love you, and still you let them feel free to go on and love others, too. And they do. Yet, they tell me you are always with them in their hearts. Cindy, I thank you so much for the gift of those children�?they are a treasure; they are a precious piece of the goodness in you that you left behind. With them, we always have part of you to comfort us in our loss.

Cindy, in those early days without you, I was inconsolable. Each day seemed endless. The guilt, the anguish, the horror, the anger, the emptiness all consumed me. I was outraged that the world could go on without you. How could it? How DARE the sun shine? How dare other people go on as if there was life without you?

Cindy, I would go back, in a minute, without regret, to even the bad times we had if I could only have you back here with us. But I am coming to terms, a little more, that it is not an option, and that you would not make that choice yourself, even if you could. So, now I am more apt to be realistic knowing that you are NOT going to be at the door when the doorbell rings, that I won’t hear your voice when I pick up the phone. But I do feel you with me, I do hear your voice, with that cute lilt, joking with me in Walmart, “Put that back and get home, you Walmart junkie, you!�?It makes me smile and feel warm inside.

I haven’t found the elusive joy again, and may never. But you come to me in dreams now, and I can feel your peace within. Your presence in my dreams has given me some calmness back in my life. I thank you for that, my sweet daughter. I have more of a certainty now that you were never “MINE�? but were lent to me to enrich my life, to hold, to enjoy, and to benefit from all the lessons you were here to teach me. You will always be in my life, in my heart. Thoughts of you will never leave me. But more and more, your smile, your gentleness, your love, your humor, is helping me go on. It’s not like it was, not where I lay down and wait to just be taken to you, but get up only because I have to take remain here for your sister and your children. I feel blessed now, Cindy, and feel your presence, hear your laugh, and know that you have pushed me back to life some.

I will never forget you, Cindy, and forever be thankful for the time that I was able to hold you in my arms and in my life.

Love to you always,

Your Mom





We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name;
All we have now are memories,
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part;
God has you in his keep,
we have you in our heart.

It broke our heart to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For a part of us went with you...
the day God took you home.
-Author Unknown-




AND GOD SAID

I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, I know."
I said, "God, I cry a lot."
And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."
I said, "God, I am so depressed."
And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."
I said, "God, life is so hard."
And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God, my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "God, it is such a loss."
And God said, I saw mine nailed to a cross."
I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said,
"Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light."
I said, "God, it hurts."
And God said, I know."

Posted on the wall at the
Oklahoma City bombing site
by K. C. and Myke Kuzmic
Stockton, CA




In My Heart Forever

by Cynthia Taylor

The time has come for me to release you
Free to fly high above this world.
Where the flowers forever bloom &
The ultimate love fills the space.

In my attempt to try to keep you
I've only been able to hold the anger
Not realizing that I have to let you go
I can't hold on.
I'll no more keep your pain alive,
I won't try to hold you down.
I'll let you fly on to higher ground.
My grief has left a numbness,
as if this isn't real
You are in my heart forever,
but I know I have to let you free.
Soar high.
Laugh as a child that feels the joy of the moment.



Play among the rivers flowing through the hills.
Roam the fields of daisies.
Fly to the top of the mountains.
With closed eyes, I see you among the flowers,
High above the clouds.
Your presence blows through me with the breeze.
Your smile beams down on through the sun.
The full moon brings the light of your laughter to my mind.

And the Butterfly in all its splendor reminds me
of your beauty and freedom now.
Leaving your love for me lingering in my world.

Please visit Elizabeth's Place