Hi~
It is unfortunate about what you are going through.I lived with an N for 26 yrs trying to 'manage' his aggression and tone down his behavior to protect myself and my children as well as others. I cowered after running away for 14 months to have my 4th child and tried to be free of him only for him to find me and I surrendered to his will for the next 16 yrs before starting to stand up for myself and divorce him . I looked for any excuse and justification to keep with him, for my childrens sake I thought.... I was wrong.
As a result my oldest 2 children adopted his nature, not wanting to be victims,as I had become. Now they are dysfunctional in their own families and their children are also affected. My middle children [ I have 5] became torn as their father manipulated them against me and after a while they saw me as being manipulative as well [ in self defense]
My youngest daughter found it hard to distinguish as I encouraged her to love her father and whenever I bought things for her , would give them to him to give to her,[hoping it would teach him to give as he never supported the family but leeched off me and them] That proved wrong as well as when we later had custody battles when I finally stopped making excuses for him and divorced him. He managed to get her for 3 months but then she saw through him and came home, but he remarried to a bigger N than himself who wanted a ready made family for tax purposes,[unbelievable as that sounds!]
I finally had to send my daughter to my oldest daughter's home for a year to finish school out west away from all the insanity til he moved to Guam with his new military wife as her 'dependent'[he is a jigalow, what else is new?]
It saved her from being with them, but she also suffered at my oldest daughter's house since her older sister was always manipulative as well and jealous of her younger sister. She survived it to come back to me after her father left the country.
My oldest daughter is now having her own 8th child in 10 yrs and raises them like slaves and possessions and each one privately will tell anyone they want to leave. I felt bad and so when my youngest turned 18 and moved out, I felt obligated to go help my grandchildren and my oldest daughter had been asking me to come for over 4 yrs so I went.
The control she had was scarey.She also had 4 kids she was paid to babysit. When I arrived, her van broke so she took mine and went out every day leaving me with 9 kids[5 hers and 4 others] She also took my social security check and was abusive to me and her children.She went away for a week with her husband[also under her control] but when she came back she decided the kids needed a tune-up and began beating them in front of me.She also would get her husband to beat the kids unnecessarily.
When I saw the bruises all over the 2 yr old ~ hematomas!- I took the spoon she beat her with and slapped it across her face ~ the first time in 15 yrs I laid a hand on her.I did it to make a point, that hitting was wrong and told her I would defend the kids.She attacked me and her husband had to pull her off of me and the police were called.
The police took pictures of the baby's bruises but would not arrest me.I was ready to be arrested as I felt it was my fault she turned out to be such a monster since I was her mother!. It was 120 degrees out and since her name was on my bank account and she had an IRS levy, they took my money and she kept my van for another day.The police made her return some of the baby sitting money to them to put me in a motel overnite.Next day I called one of her aquaintences who gave me a ride to get my van back. She had all my clothing in the street but kept my appliances and kitchen equipment. I had a 1/2 tank of gas and no money so I went to the IRS office with papers from social security and the bank to prove that none of the money in my account was her and had to wait 3 days til it was partially refunded. I stayed parked at a local Walmart and slept in my van in over 120 degree weather in Phoenix.
I didnt speak again to my oldest daughter for nearly 3 years. She did however have to undergo parenting classes and can no longer beat her children as she did back then. We had a visit this summer and things are gradually improving, but she is still somewhat close channelled, but more open now than before. She has had 2 more children since I saw her last and is now having another, her 8th. She has burned many bridges over the last several years and now is more receptive to help so I will go visit more often and help her but never again will I live with her. Those 3 months were hell for me and her children back then.She has finally apologized which is hard for her to do and how sincere is another story, as it seems she is more up for round two now, only this time I wont be as vulnerable to her and her controls.
I called my oldest son who was in the Army and was invited to come live with him in Oklahoma so as soon as I had the gas money I drove 1000 miles to his house, being my next closest relative as my other kids were back in PA. He was living with another army girl who has a 2 yr old [not his] and said that if I babysat for her they would save $400 a month and that I didnt have to pay rent. His girlfriend didnt want that however and kept her daughter in day care so I became a Red Cross Volunteer at t he Army Hospital. I remained with them for another 3 months before heading east to Pa to be near my younger children. My youngest had been invited to her N dad's home in Va after he returned from Guam and was promised college through his wife as bait. She was trapped there for 2 months as asked me to move her back to Pa ., so I did and we moved to a shared living arrangemet together and later got a small house and my younger sons moved back in as she went to California to get married.
The point to all t hese encounters, spoken and unspoken is hindsight being 20/20... It was hard to accept the fact that with all my good intentions over the years in trying manage my xN and N children, that I was actually their enabler ~ although I wanted to protect them and others, I was actually helping to perpetuate the problem and by the time they are 18 it will be too late.
My youngest son became incorrigible for a time and since he was under 18 I was able to have him placed in a court ordered behavior modification facility til he turned 18. He got his HS GED there and a trade and learned to manage his anger.It was hard to let him go and I feared retaliation and revenge, BUT it turned out to be the best thing I ever could have done for him~! He learned to be more responsible and to work and is now very mellow and mild, although he still has some difficulties, but is motivated to be independent and has better self esteem and consideration for others, that was lacking as a teenager.
My middle boy was ADHD and bipolar schizo and very N demanding as he grew up and failed in school miserably. When I finally got the needed help for him the school system was going to put him in a small behavior modification class, usually reserved for miscreants, which he wasnt at the time, just disruptive and overly playful, BUT my xN signed him out of school convincing him they werent really helping, Once signed out the school district was free from their obligation to educate him and now he is almost 25 and has no diploma or future.He is on disability and lives upstairs from me .I still help him but he is fairly independent, also damaged by his dad and yet loves both of us.I still am trying to get him to get his license and diploma.
Had I placed him in a controlled environment at 14 when it was suggested by his therapists, he would have received the help needed and would have gotten his diploma and been better off than he is now. I didnt want to send him away at the time and regret that now since his younger brother who was also borderline personality disorder has done so much better than his older brother and has more advantages over him now because I let him go to the professionals to finish school and treatment.
You have had 14 yrs with your son and things are only getting worse for both of you.You can not 'help' him while he seeks to intimidate you with retaliation and his manipulations. You can not resist the pattern he has grown accustomed to with you since birth.You see the direction in which he is heading and you cant wish it away nor can you stop him .
You need to get intensive counselling for yourself to explore the reasons you allow him to do this to you as you have hidden things in your subconscious ~ guilt, fear of rejection, fear of punishment , fear of failure, fear of not being loved, low self-esteem, low confidence in your own 'right' judgement and willingness to feed into his delusions of omnipotence over you.
You need to let him go, to others who he cant manipulate the way he has manipulated him so he can if possible make the changes needed to become a functioning 'normalized' person as he becomes an adult.You can not do that for him!~
If his temporary situation isnt helping matters, then you need to say so, so that those he is under care with can make the needed adjustments and become his advocate for right mental health treatments while you still have a say so. When he turns 18, only a few short years away, it will be too late and you wont be able to change a thing about him anymore!
You have the chance now to really help him and yourself and save your future relationship.If you can resist bringing him back home and instead find a proper long term care for him, such as a boys school that can be court ordered, he would obtain structuralized treatment that would be spread over several people in charge of him so that he would not be able to manipulate just a few as the others would catch on and point him in the right direction.My youngest son came home so much more understanding and considerate compared the the monster he had become by age 16.
No mother wants their child to be unacceptable and sometimes you have to let go in order to love them the right way and help mold them into a decent adult later on.
I can not impress it enough how sending my boy to the Cornell Abraxas boys program, how it helped him and actually saved our relationship into making it a healthy one. I was initially full of guilt and remorse that I failed as a parent, but he will tell anyone otherwise as he recognized that it was necessary since he had gone out of control and would possibly be in jail today had I not got the intervention needed for him when he was a teenager.
Be open with your counsellors, read up on NPD and BPD as well as anything that resembles your sons behavior and look for why he does what he does and try to find the right solution for him. Be pro-active in his treatment so he can not fantisize abandonment and build resentment towards you. Reinforce that you care and will always 'be there' for him~! Emphasize that you want what is best for him and that doesnt include allowing him to get away with his negative behaviors that he has learned to operate from and that he needs to come to understand why he does what he does and that it is unacceptable and will only lead to trouble as an adult so you have to do what you are now doing, even though it hurts both of you to go through this.
If he is N he can learn emotional behavior modification now before it is too late so that instead of being solely self centered he can learn that it is also in his best interest to put others first and learn to care for others as well so his life will balance out.
Imagine if you dont help change him now, how many failed relationships he would be doomed to have and also what kind of parent he may someday become without this intervention! You may be saving your own potential grandchildrens lives someday~!
Break the cycle and do what your gut is telling you that you need to do.
Dont allow guilt and emotionalism to rob you of the chance to help straighten your son's life out.
GBU~!
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