Understanding What We Bring to Parenting

Let's start with ourselves. As parents, we have as much opportunity for growth as our children do. Our relationships are our greatest teachers and the more intimate and committed the parenting relationship, the more it has to teach us. An important commitment is to be as honest and authentic as we can. Children observe our actions much more than they listen to our preaching. How do we look through their eyes? Does our child hear us tell "little white lies" to get off the phone or act pleasant toward someone and then immediately say something negative about them when they leave? Or do we try to hide our emotions thinking that our child doesn't sense what's going on? Research tells us that even newborns feel tension, as well as love.

A mother told the story of being in a hurry to get to an appointment and finding herself behind a driver going 10 miles under the speed limit. She became increasingly frustrated, but tried to hide it from her four-year-old son. He said, "Is Mommy mad?" She said "Oh no, we're doing fine." He replied, "Then why does your face look all scrunched up." There is no fooling a child who may be more aware of our feelings than we are! The mother said later, "All I needed to say to Jason was, 'Yes, Mommy is frustrated because she doesn't want to be late.'" Her honesty would have helped affirm for Jason that hat he was picking up true feelings and affirm that his feelings were authentic. 

As we examine what this parenting relationship teaches us, we find that it calls for us to not only be honest in the here and now, but also to delve into our past. Being a parent causes unresolved issues from our own childhood to surface! Delving into the past calls for digging deep and remembering what it was like being a child in our own family. Issues such as control, power, and unspoken emotional rules are a few aspects of family life that generally go unexamined. We may state vehemently that we won't repeat what our parents did, but unless we do some conscious work to understand and change these embedded reactions, we will surprise ourselves by repeating undesirable patterns of our childhood. Or ,we may be so determined not to repeat a pattern that we go overboard in the opposite extreme.

This happened to a mother whose father who was remote and distant. To compensate for this lack of closeness with her dad, she smothered her daughter with so much attention that her little girl became increasingly demanding. A friend lovingly pointed out to her that she was giving her daughter few opportunities to develop independence. As she started giving her daughter more breathing room - choosing her own clothes, getting dressed by herself, and playing more with other children - her daughter's demanding behavior changed into one of cooperation. This mom saw how her past shaped how she was raising her daughter.

Children can teach us so much that is good for our growth!

As you look back on your family life, here are a few questions to ask yourself.

• What did I most want from my parents when I was growing up? 
• Did I receive it?
• Did I feel respected and valued as an individual in my family? 
• How involved were my parents in my activities  Did my parents compare me to my other siblings? 
• How was I disciplined? (Talking things out, time-outs, withholding of things I liked to do, no rules or discipline, spanking, yelling, sarcasm?) 
• Could I talk and express my feelings in my family? How did my family feel about certain issues such as sexuality, money, education, competition, and making mistakes? 
• Did my mother and father have a strong bond between them or were they more focused on the children? 
• How did our family show affection? 
• Were male and female children treated differently? 
• What are some words that describe my mother and father each as a parent?

• By examining how our family operated in the past and listening right now to what we say and how we act, we can significantly impact the way we are in our family. The parenting experience gives us the opportunity to heal old wounds from our early childhood by creating new and loving patterns that build our children's self esteem and at the same time help us grow more loving as a person.

Wise Parenting Content Contributors
Lucia Amsden, Terri Ford, Kate Wilson.