Hello Jays... Since we don't know one another, allow me to begin by telling you that I am not a counselor and I do not hold professional degrees in anything other than law... I do however have my Ph.D in the school of hard knocks and I have earned my stripes as a woman... Offering you my thoughts to help you is friend to friend and no substitute for the help a professional may be able to give you and your lover... Having said that...
It is common knowledge that very few people are happy with their bodies and I don't think anyone would argue if I said that women are particularly prone to feeling self-conscious over every pound, every scar and every stretch mark... The feelings come from various sources and I think you have to find out where and when she started to feel as she does now to be able to grasp how deep the problems are running... If, for instance, she was critically-parented (her parents were critical instead of nurturing) OR if she was sexually abused in any way, her problems may be severe enough to go straight to a counselor who can begin to help her heal with your loving support... If they come from a strict religious upbringing, there again, you may wish to seek professional guidance... If she won't go, you can... if only to find out how to help her... If her problem is her own high standards, then sometimes a lot of reassurance, encouragement and genuine compliments will help her to overcome her fears... If the problem has to do with the nature of the relationship between you, again I really believe in professional counselling as being the way to go...
Counselling still carries a stigma for many people but I am so eternally grateful for the years I spent under the care of a wise and strong lady who helped me in more ways than I could ever say... It took time.. there is no quick fix... and if the negative body image comes from deep wounds, it will be a daily application of loving support for her to heal... That's where your "intimacy" will have the most value... in her ability to try to tell you when she came to feel as she does, what happened, how it affects her and what you can do to help her with it...
Without knowing why she feels as she does about her body exactly, it is hard for me to offer you much help... I do know that if you don't know why she feels as she does, that is the FIRST thing you, as her partner, need to find out.. It will set the course of which path you should choose to begin to heal...
What you can be sure of as well is that there is not a woman alive who doesn't WANT with all her heart to feel beautiful and special to her lover... Her reluctance is probably not something she is happy with either... So at least you have that much in common as you start to try to enrich your lovelife...
She is lucky to have a guy who loves and wants her but it is not enough that YOU know how you feel about her... It is what the psychologists mean when they say to us, "you have to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else". I believe there were probably times in my own life when someone loved me and because I was feeling bad about myself, I couldn't actually absorb that and pushed him away...
If you haven't had a good talk with her about this, I suggest you set the scene for a quiet, loving talk to find out exactly what has made her feel as she does about herself... With enough encouragement and reassurance from a man who truly loves her for herself, I believe that is the only way a couple can begin to scale the obstacles between themselves and beautiful, uninhibited lovemaking...
Our other roomies may also contribute their thoughts and trust me, many of them are very, very wise...
Hats off to you Jay for loving her enough to stand by her and for your attempts to help her with her fears and heartaches...
Roomies??? Feel free to add your own thoughts to Jay's inquiry as always...
Luv 'n hugggs,
Silken
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