Chilled Armor, Cold Feet
Waking to the alarm clock once again. I haven鈥檛 decided if it鈥檚 an old friend greeting me each morning or the piercing torment of a drill sergeant ordering me to meet the day. As with each day it takes a few moments to connect my mind to my body and even longer to be able to stretch my arms and legs in bed. Awakening all the muscles that will pull me thru another tired day.
As I sit up in my bed I begin to go thru my morning ritual of putting my armor on. Building from my feet, up the legs, the chest plate, and finally my helmet. As I pull Spirits protective light over me I begin to think about the very reason for the armor. What is it today that I need protection from?
As my day continues and I fight just to stay awake my mind drifts to search out thoughts that will give me the hope I need to get thru another day. I smile at remembering something my teacher said, I laugh at hoop鈥檚 subtle way of stirring up trouble, and I recall that this is all my path. I spend a few minutes reassuring myself that this is worth it鈥?this is what I want and I鈥檝e worked hard to have it. The reassurances I use today seem even less comforting than yesterday, or the day before, last week and even last month. I concentrate to feel Spirits love around me and wonder how anything this beautiful could just not be enough for me.
A picture appears in my mind, it stirs my emotions. Its me, nude, beaten and bruised in body as I am inside. On my hands and knees, crawling on path. Tears in my eyes, my hair stuck to my face. I鈥檓 bearing down on my teeth and I reek of the determination on pure survival. There is another ahead, in the path鈥? Someone who went before me and didn鈥檛 make it. I鈥檓 not sure if it gives me strength or weakens me with the envy I have for them. I wonder where that part of me went that cared so much for other people鈥?that part of me I was so proud to have but one day saw it for what it was and could no longer bare to hold that face over my own. I wonder what it has been replaced with鈥?that girl with the big heart鈥here did she run off to?
I wonder where free will has gone today. There are choices in everything we do, but there are no real choices. I look at Raz who has such confidence in his path鈥?the best path and I envy not being able to fool myself with words like best. I think of the sheep this morning, the ones that can go to church and just be good people and ask for forgiveness when they were bad, and that鈥檚 enough. I wonder how if this is a giant playground where the rest of the toys are, because I鈥檓 stuck in the swing and I鈥檓 afraid I may be on the marry go round next or perhaps the slide鈥? Where you end up on the ground right where you started, with a sore butt.
I cry today, just like I cry when I have other bad days. And with each tear I grow more and more displeased with my weakness inside. A warrior indeed that wallows her morning away in self pitty and shame. I鈥檓 glad to have the helmet on to hide my tear stained eyes.
All at once the day makes sense. I put my armor on today not to protect me from the world, but to protect the world from me. But how do I protect me from myself?
December 12, 2000 - intense female
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