Sunshine and Rainbows

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...Here will I sit, pen in hand, to write out all the mysteries and questions of life as I live it and experience it. I will laugh, I will cry, I will vent, I will grow enlightened as the lightbulbs of understanding get lit one by one.

Through writing it all down I will be able to draw out all the details so that I can better clarify my thinking and my beliefs. In writing it all down I will put questions out to the universe....seeking that truth and wisdom come back in return. And in doing so, hoping to be able to choose the wiser and more correct path as each day presents it's choices to me.

This is not a personal diary.. so please feel free to read and reply and share your perspectives.... or not.

At the best... it will be a single place for recording my long ponderings, and they will not clutter other threads.

Let the journey to truth and enlightenment begin....

Am I strong ?...... I really do not know for sure. I try to be. And I feel it for fleeting moments.... but then other moments.... I feel like giving up completely on everything ... ending it all. Some moments it just all seems so hopeless, and so worthless... and so impossible to succeed.... Some moments I feel like such a total loser, completely worthless, of no use to anyone really.. except in my dreams....

I know I am really truly blessed in so many ways, compared to the horrible sufferenings of so many other women all over the world... and yet... my life is also so very empty... so hollow.... so invisible.... with nothing really to show for having been on this earth for 55 years....

It hit me hard this morning as I started filling out an application for Walmart on-line. It came to the place where it asked for 2 personal references of people I had worked with or volunteered with..... and I could only come up with one name. My previous Tupperware manager. Fifty-five years old, 32 years in a marriage... and I don't even have 2 people to list as a reference. It's like I've never even really existed... no proof of who I am in a way. And I just felt so very worthless at that point. A job application can sum up one's life pretty quickly... and it can look pretty desperate and empty.

Part of me has such high hopes and big dreams.... and another part of me feels like I am walking on a tight-rope. And in one split second one wrong move will send me crashing to the ground, and all will be over and lost. There's no room for error. There's nothing to fall back on. I have proved over and over and over I do not know how to take care of money and protect myself financially. I have failed myself over and over and over and over... and I'm so tired of falling short of good, better, and best. I'm so tired of making mistakes, and doing things wrong.

I have to be different, I have to think different, I have to do different.... if I am to have any chance at all of getting anything different and better than my past choices have gotten me.

How many times do we have to keep making the same wrong choices and mistakes before we finally snap and get wise to what we are doing and stop ourselves from doing it?

I'm suffering from feeling like I do not have any "identity". I'm unknown... and I did that to myself. I have no one to blame but myself.

It's like I just have absolutely nothing to show for being on this earth for 55 years. And I have nothing to show personally for being connected to Robin for 32 years... no friendships made in all that time. Because his character and temper etc. were often an embarrasment to me over the years and I often never wanted to ask people over, because of him. I've lived in this area all my life, went to school here... and still, have no connections to show for it. It's as if I was a stranger here... not someone who was born and raised here. And that just seems so sad to me.... that I did that to my life.

I told God this afternoon that I absolutely have to make it.... if for no other reason, than because there are other women worse off than I am... and they need to be shown that it is possible to survive when there isn't anyone else around to help. So I want to go through whatever struggle is necessary... to pave a path for others to follow and to give them hope.

Strong? I don't know. However... I do have such a fighting spirit within me. I've fought to survive and to stay alive for most of my life in one way or another. Not to succeed or get ahead... just to live... with head barely above the water most of the time.

I'm out of Robin's shadow, out of his sphere of influence and control... and I'm learning to think for myself.... form new and different opinions about people... trying to break old thought habits of the past... learning how to keep myself open to let people into my life and into my world, and to be willing to enter into theirs. Taking down the walls of separation and isolation.

Not being able to fill out that job application today really hurt....and showed me the reality of just how empty my life had been for the last several years. It was a major dose of reality. I'm not going to live that way anymore...ever. A suffocating, and isolationist kind of love-relationship.... is a form of mental abuse I will not put myself through ever again. Feeling like a nobody... is more painful than anything I've felt in this experience. It crushes the soul. And that is a pain worse than a broken heart in my opinion.

I do so want to be strong. Some days it's just a little more difficult to achieve. With an attitude adjustment brought on from the application fiasco, I had a good day at my job... and I have a renewed hope for my being able to make a success of it. I really have no other choice. No one else would hire me with my horrible and very empty employment record, and lack of education and experience.

I have a job. And I am grateful for it. It really is an amazing blessing... because I really don't see how I could have gotten any other job.

And now this working girl needs to get to bed. I"m tired... but no longer weary. I'll be ok...

..... one round table and chairs, all set up on Grace's patio, ready for entertaining guests, and enjoying the day.

As I just mentioned on the weekday thread.... I took the small round table, a rocking/swivel dining chair, and an outdoor carpet off of Robin's front porch this morning.

And as I was driving out of the Bar X ranch subdivision, I noticed I was feeling extra "light".... like some kind of load had been lifted off my shoulders...

And the conclusion I came up with for why I felt that way was because when I got those things I had "taken for myself".... instead of "giving away myself" like I always tended to do.... And it felt GREAT!

I "decided" to "take". I've never been a taker .....

I was so consumed by the need to give. But now..... that "limiting belief" has been torn down, and I finally got a hold of the power and freedom of seeing something you want, deciding to get it for yourself... and just taking it... just because it's there and you can. I'm not talking about stealing....... but taking what life has to offer you... just by being willing to reach out and grab it and claim it for yourself.

My "mindset" has been forever changed and turned around. I've been set free of the old limiting restricting inner wall I had created that would not let me reach out and grab from life what I wanted for myself.

I feel so free inside.... just by that one simple act. Yes, I had already taken lots of things from the house.. things that were 'mine' in one way or another by vurtue of the fact that if I had not put the time and energy into getting them we would not have had them.

But this time.... something about it was different. It was saying no to my old habit of "doing without". It was an act of "putting myself first". It was in itself an act of power, of strength, and gumption to go after what I wanted... and to get it! And not feel bad. Not feel the need to ask first. And to not care one iota what someone else thinks about it. I saw, I took, I conquered.

And it feels great!!!

No wonder men never wanted us women to learn about how great it feels to feel "self power"...

If it feels this good to me just taking some old things off a front porch.. imagine how good it feels to them to take businesses, governments, and other countries.. wow, what a high they have been feeling all these centuries. No wonder they kept us quiet and powerless !

I feel so liberated inside, it's amazing. I have been forever changed .. I've broken through my "wall". Now I KNOW I can do anything I want with my life... and I know I can have anything I want that I'm willing to put out the effort to get it.

And it 's all just from one small, simple little act.

I can't wait to see what it feels like when I go after, get, and accomplish bigger things.

.... another note I wanted to add on here about something that came to me today as I was leaving his house.

I had been contemplating some things... and I imagined telling his girlfriend Sandra that the way Robin takes care of his possessions is the way he takes care of his wife and family. (he doesn't)

And as I imagined having that kind of conversation, it suddenly hit me.....

.... Robin does not take care of his possessions because he does not get anything out of them. He can't suck them dry or feed off them like he does people.

I never could figure out why he never takes care of any of his things... he never treats them with any sense of value or respect or appreciation.... he just tosses his stuff here and there.... or lets it lay around collecting dust. Most men at the very least love their trucks... but Robin never even acted that way towards his trucks over the years. And it always kind of bothered me too. I kept seeing that something was missing in him along those lines, but couldn't put my finger on it, until today.

And just like possessions.... once he cannot get what he wants out of a person.... they become disposable as well... to be tossed, ignored, set aside, put away..... wether it's his family, his friends, his mom..... anybody. If they have something he needs or wants from them.. it's all smiles and lovely dovey and charm and kindness. But if there isn't anything he wants..... he doesn't have any feelings for them at all.

In other words... I realised today that, to Robin, people are also no more than meer possessions... to use and toss when your through getting from them what you wanted at the moment.

He has never fully committed to anything at all. He 'dabbles' in things.. but doesn't ever let himself get very deeply involved... in anything... no hobbies and not even in people. Not even his wife, or kids, or grandson. When Ethan used to spend the night..... it didn't take long before Robin was ignoring Ethan and sitting in his chair watching some kind of violent show on tv ... (that I did not think Ethan should have to see or listen to... he couldn't avoid those kind of shows even for the short while his grandson was in the home with us.. and I never understood such selfishness on his part in that area... )

I even told him once that I felt no different than his guitar... take me out and play me for a little while, and then stick me away to collect dust till the next time he got interested again. It was like talking to a brick wall.

As I left the house this morning though.... thinking about how he has totally totally ignored it, and is not even staying there hardly at all now... and just goes there on the weekends to mow the grass.... it just all became so clear. He has no sense of "responsibility"... no sense of "obligation"..... he is only, only out to satisfiy his needs and cravings.... and the house could fall apart as far as he's concerned, because he does not really value it at all. I did all of the work out there... except for him riding the lawnmower. wow....

He talks about what he wants to do to the house and property ... but what has he done....? Nothing. Because he does not really "care" about it. The total truth is, Robin does not really care about anything at all... except himself.

And this morning it just hit me so clear that the state of that house ..... and of his things inside the house.... are a 100% picture of how he also treats people. There is not one single possession of any kind that I have ever seen treated with any sense of respect or with a sense of it's value. None. And if he'd had his way... he'd have tossed all his mothers things.. no matter if they were 100 year old family antiques or not. He has no sense of value about anything. Nothing is of value... except that which feeds and satisfies his desires. And once he's fed and satified..... toss it aside .... throw it in a closet or the drawer.. or whatever.... and forget about it.

I left the house and that subdivision this morning so grateful I had been saved and delivered ... from being one of his neglected possessions.

And I also have no intention of warning Sandra about it, like the imagined conversation I had in my head. I'm staying totally out of it all. How fast she gets wise to him will reveal how much smarts she has, or does not have.

I'm just gonna live my own free and happy life.... like I did with Ethan at the beach today.

I had a most wonderful thought after I went back to bed earlier this morning. I sat there thinking for a bit, and also read my bible for a bit....

And as I thought some more about getting that table, chair, and carpet.... it dawned on me what I have been doing in the process of my keeping on going back and getting more things from the house.... little by little....

I got my life back.

I took all of 'me' out of that house.....

....and all that is left there is him. His messy, screwed-up self.

I did not cook 3 meals a day, I did not dote on him non-stop and make him feel like king of his castle......

however, I put my heart, mind, and soul into the family and the home.. I gave all of my Self away to them... and all he had to do was reap the benefits of it all, with no work on his part.

Everything I gave.... all the "me" that was in the 'things' I chose to decorate with, that I used to make a home for him and the kids... I took back. I put my soul into those choices... I put my Self into our home everytime we moved here or there.....

I reclaimed ownership of me through the act of not leaving any semblance of me in that house for him. It's a barren, dull, lifeless, cold, messy, hollow place.... because underneath all the smiles and charm and sweet talk... Robin is a barren, dull, lifeless, cold, messy, hollow person.

He is not spending any time at the house... because to do so means he has to face himself. I'm not there anymore. There is not anyone else for him to see there but himself... reflected back to him in stark reality and truth... and it is not a pretty picture.

When I took my round table back for myself, when I took that old rocking/swivel dining chair that I loved back for myself, when I yanked up the section of carpet off the front porch that I needed and wanted..... the very last things of 'me' there.... I took back my soul from that place, and from him, and from our past years.

I gave me back my Self..... all of my self.

And I have not felt this good and at peace with myself in a long time now...

For the first time in years.... I feel whole. I feel complete.

I have all of me in my possession again. And I like how it feels.

The broken pieces, have been put back together, and I am whole again.

I could not stand... not answering his "list".... too many things on there that I felt wrongly judged about.

And so I wrote him a last good-bye letter.... defending my self on just a couple of them. I told him on the phone that I could not let the marriage end with him thinking certain of those things about me without him knowing the reasons behind it.

Here is my LONG letter to him. I don't know how he took it. We met in the McDonald's parking lot for him to pick it up. I told him not to over-react, that I wasn't trying to make him mad or anything.... but that I just had to say some things and clear things up a bit. I wrote it in my e-mail, and sent it to myself , and then printed it out... that is why some things are underlined by the e-mail program.

Our marriage will be over tomorrow.

My heart breaks over and over each time I think of it... of what you have thrown away.

But then, that has always been your way hasn't it.... just toss out what is no longer of interest or use to you. Kind of like that day you got so furiously angry and threw your mother's antique chair in the carport. No regard or respect for past history, or past value, or past service.

Just like all your mother's old things.. you have elected to just toss me as well. All the good I have done, all the past hours and years of self-sacrifice... mean nothing to you. I have no 'value' in your mind or heart or eyes anymore. In your mind and heart nothing about me was deemed worth keeping. I became a throw-away. I often wonder if you will you think of me this Father's Day...will you remember all the work I did to give you a wonderful Father's Day last year? Probably not. Over the years I gave a lot to you and for you ... it just was never enough.

I have to answer just a few things about your list, and then all will be finished between us.

Your list hurt me. What hurt was the total disregard of "why" I was the way I was. All the "assuming" you did.. with no desire to talk it out, see if anything could be fixed or changed.. or at the least, understood.

I have told you over, and over and over.. and over... ever since our move to Austin I have been in various degrees of a mental state of depression.

Robin.. that is an illness. If a woman was sick with cancer or something else.. would she be condemed for not being able to keep up the housework? I guess for you, the answer would be yes. Depression is not something to be taken lightly. You have no idea about it.

Why was I depressed? It started back in Austin.... when you told me if you had known about your dad's illness we would not have moved to Austin. I knew right then that my personal happiness really didn't mean anything to you. And I shriveled up and died inside at that moment, and never really fully recovered untill I moved to Columbus.

As we stood there on the beach that day where you made that statement to me, your words just hurt the hell out of me, and my soul started dieing that day. Because I knew in your heart of hearts that if we had not moved to Austin it would not have made any real difference in your actions. He was dieing... and you never bothered to make any special effort to go see him in his last days while you still had time. Every weekend I hoped and watched you ... to see if you would. And you didn't. Yet... you stood there and basically told me no matter what I needed or wanted to be happy.. you would have denied it to me. You basically deflated my soul that day. And I let it happen... in my own weakness.

Then.. we get back here, and we moved 3 times in less than two years... adding to my depression. Adding fear, adding insecurity... never knowing if I was going to lose another home...not feeling like it mattered if I unpacked...because what if you lost your security job again and we had to move. I was mentally and emotionally and physically wore out.

When I was strong and happy.... the house was clean. I have plenty of photos to prove that. You made it sound like I hated housework all the time. Wrong. I hated chaos and disorganization and confusion and mess. I was wore out from having to constantly undo and redo things over and over with so many moves. But you've never had that kind of illness... so you have no idea how devastating it can be.

If you are going around telling people the things about me that you put on that list, then you are showing the ultimate in disrespect for me... and that hurts more than anything else you have done to hurt me. You are telling them half truths, and some out and out lies.

Didn't like sex.... that's not true at all, but if you felt that way, did you ever ask me why? No.

We were married 10 years Robin before the first time you ever specifically tried to satisfy me. On the sofa, in the den on Tulip Trail, with your hand. Before then, during those early years... afterwards, when I had to go to the bathroom... I burned in pain because you had hurt me, because I was dry and not made ready. I was young and naive... and rather inexperienced. Believe it or not, I had not had it all that many times. And the few times I had it.. it was like you, all about them. Never me. I didn't have any idea what it was like to be satisfied sexually by a man.... till we had been married 10 years. So, tell me again what it was I was supposed to like about it?

You were content to be satisfied. What I felt or needed wasn't important to you. In time, after that point on Tulip Trail, as I grew more mature, and more confident... I tried to be more free. And I remember doing things with you that proved I was able and willing to enjoy it. Yet, you label me as 'not liking sex'.

Yes.. in the last years, as my hormone levels dropped, due to menapause... (yet another illness I suffered) .. my body's desire for it dropped... but I was still able to enjoy it. I said go ahead, out of a loving wifely duty.... and each time you finished I laid there hoping with all my heart that you would make an effort to do whatever it took to bring me to the same pleasure you felt everytime. But you seldom ever did. Seldom ever took the initiative to care. And my heart hurt and cried each time you ignored me in that way. I showed enjoyment more than just a few times in 32 years. So for you to dare to say I did not like sex is yet another slap in the face. And if you are saying that to Sandra or anyone else...shame on you.. after all I gave you in 32 years of marital faithfullness and devotion. My take on it is that 8 out of 10 times we did it, I did not get satisfied...unless I had to do it myself. It was not preference. You gave me no other choice. That got old in 32 years. Too late, I fully realised I should have gone to a doctor and got my hormones fixed, and that would have increased my desire. I am so sorry I did that to us. I just didn't understand what was happening with the menapause when it first was starting.

Your list was true to you. Being the negative-minded person you are... you view a glass as half empty. You look at what is not there, instead of appreciating what is there. And you have done the same with me. Showed total disregard for all you did have... and focused only on what was not there... and your perspective of that was off balance because of your idea of how things should be. Yet, you never bothered to really make sure I knew explicity what you expected or needed in a marriage .. so that I would have a chance to give it to you. Instead.. after 32 years I feel now condemed for not giving it, to your specifications and needs. Our lack of ability to talk and communicate is what hurt us the most I think.

What I DID do... does not seem to matter to you at all. All the hours and years of what I did do for the family, the giving, the sacrificing, the cleaning, the decorating, the parties, the striving to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own.... weren't enough to give me any "value" in your mind or eyes... so I've been thrown away, disgarded as trash, no longer wanted, no longer useful, no longer having any value, no longer worth keeping.

And that is what was killing our marriage for me. Being told by your actions, and your words, over and over... that I was not any good as "me". I was always wrong to be who I was, I was always wrong to like the things I liked, I was always "garbage" in one way or another, not of any real value to you. My choice of music was garbage... and all my other choices were in essence labeled the same way.

And it's taken me a long long time to stop thinking of myself according to your definitions of me.

I've had to work hard to build up my self confidence and self esteem. It took getting away to Columbus to do it.

I left, to save my life. I never wanted to end our marriage. It was just killing me to be in it .. the way it was, and the way I was. I had to change myself to live. And to do that... meant focusing on myself first, instead of you. And yes, that meant you weren't top priority. And your need to be top priority was the first thing on your list.. so, saving myself, in essence, killed your love for me and killed your desire to save the marriage. Never mind all the other many times I put your happiness before my own.. but for some reason... that didn't rate in your mind.

Now.. tomorrow it will be all competely, totally, morally, and legally over. Forever, and for good. There will not be any going back.

When I recovered from my depression... all the good feelings came back to life, and all the love I was capable of feeling came back to life as well. I truly, and deeply fell back in love with you Robin.. with all my heart. I was so happy to feel the love again. It made me smile so much every day to feel it. But you didn't want it.

You didn't want all the good things I was willing to give you as a new, and well wife.

You chose instead to hold on to the wounds, the anger, and the let-downs of the past, and to judge me on that.

I chose to totally fogive you all of your transgressions and affairs and to love you completely with everything I had. I was so filled with desire to make you so very happy.. more than anything I had done in the past 32 years. But you didn't want it. Now.. I have to shut all the feelings back down.

You chose a 2 month old relationship instead of being with someone who loved all of you and was faithful to you for 32 years. You chose a 2 month old relationship over your kids and grandson and family unity.

You tossed us all away... for her. I hope you find the joy you are looking for in her family. With the divorce you lose the one you had.

Shanna said Ethan, out of the blue, said he wants to have his birthday at your house. It may not come to that... who knows. But... it if does, I told her I won't be there. I don't plan to ever go out to the house again.

And I have no intention of ever being friends with Sandra and doing family things with her. If she's there.. I won't be.

You have shown me too much disrespect in how you handled things with her and your actions with her have brought me shame. You have clearly labeled me a no-good-reject by so quickly throwing yourself at her and into her bed and her family and planning a wedding before our marriage was even over.

So if you care at all for Shanna and want Shanna to have her mother at her wedding, you will not bring Sandra. You have broken our 'family'... I won't be a party to acting like we are all still family when we are not.

Some day I hope your anger goes away and that you can remember the good part of 'us'.. and that you will be able to remember the good parts of me as well, more than the bad.

I loved you the best I knew how. I thought I had given you a lot. I'm sorry what I gave wasn't what you needed to be happy, and I'm sorry that what I gave was not enough to make up for what I didn't give, that you needed and wanted. I'm sorry I had the willingness and desire to give it ....too late.

Thank you for the good that you did give. I have many wonderful happy memories of you, and I will always be grateful for it all.

Good Bye Robin

After I wrote it, after I gave it to him, and after I got home..... I felt only peace inside. No pain. No tears. No sense of loss. I stood up for myself and did not let myself be put down, attacked, ridiculed, and made out to be "less than"...like I had lived with for 32 years. And I feel good about myself.... really good.

Saying these things won't change him, won't change anything.... it will however take away his right to think those things about me. Of course, I wish it would wake him up. His denseness in his head is rather infuriating. He is in God's hands though..nothing at all left for me to do. When the divorce is decreed final, he will be forever out of my life .... no longer my responsibility, and nothing more to me than someone related to the kids and Ethan. He will not get another chance with me. I don't give seconds.

I have started to feel really good about myself the last 2 days working on the apartment... working on putting my home, my life, together. I feel myself making the transition... to thinking of myself as my top priority,.... after years of always putting myself last underneath everyone else. And it feels good.

I feel my emotional and mental strength increasing more each day. I am stong enough to be responsible for myself. And it's ok in my mind now to do things for myself, instead of always for someone else. I've made that mental break-through finally. It's been the toughest one to conquer.

Tomorrow... I become a single woman. And I'm not going to allow myself to be responsible for anyone but myself for a long time! .. at least, not a man that is....lol.

Thank you all for putting up with me through all of this mess. You all have no idea how important you all have been in my surviving this. I know I haven't been here "for you" during this. Please know it is not my intention for it to stay that way.

Gracie is coming back to life.... don't give up on me! It can only get better now!

Hugs and love to my girlfriends all, Grace

I'm so happy.......

This morning after I left the courthouse, I went to the Kroger in that town to get me some wine.. and while there I talked to the florist there ... a school friend who had worked with Sandra for a while and knew her, and she described her nice person, but also a weak, needy woman who wants a man to take care of her. And, come to find out she had been divorced from her 2nd husband only a few short months before she took up with Robin.

I was not replaced by someone 'better' than me... that is why I'm happy.

I was replaced by someone who is just like I was when Robin saved and rescued and married me..when I was a young, single mom. No wonder they are attracted to each other... they are both needy in their own ways.

Yesterday evening while out and about I contemplated dating again, in time. And as I did, I thought about the fact that "dating" someone... means only that.... someone to go out with and to have fun with.

No "responsibilities" attached. Not responsible for his laundry. Not responsible for cooking his meals. Not responsible for meeting his sexual needs. No ties, no controls, no obligations at all... just enjoying fun activities together. And boy did that idea feel great.

On parting this morning from the courthouse, after talking a bit, I told Robin that if for some reason down the road he and Sandra didn't work out I'd like to date him as a friend. His reply... "I'd want sex".... I said ' me too'... out of HABIT ... but in truth, of course he will NOT get any of that off of me.

His comment made me sad for him..... and reinforced why we will never be back together. Because he will never think of a woman on any other terms other than someone to use for his sexual needs and pleasure.

I crave to be friends with a man without any sex involved... just to be known and heard and listened to as a PERSON.... not a sex object to conquer and use and then throw away.

I felt so set free to learn the things I did about Sandra today.... and also by Robin's crude comment. Because now my mind cannot play games with me and imagine all the other worse things about myself.

It proved I was right all along.... it really is a woman being "strong" that drives Robin away. He needs and wants them weak and dependent... with him in control, and him being thought of as the 'better' of the two in a relationship. And he really is a selfish man... out only to meet his own needs. He had me to use for free sex for 32 years... and really thinks he has a right to continue thinking of me on those terms.. without being my husband. NOT.

Free at last, free at last... I thank my God for delivering me out of bondage and making me free at last.

...... Jeni you replied to me about my letter to my kids... and I wrote this on that thread.. but decided to bring it over here.

Thank you Jeni.... I do try. I seem to so often miss the mark with my family though... I'm always so "wrong" with them for some reason.. and over the years it has really done a number on my mental attitude about myself.. and I am having to really fight hard to win the battle to change my thought habits and processes. It's painful.

Come to find out while I was at their house that day that it was not her idea for me to come over.

.. which explained the slightly "cool" reception I got when I got there.

And also... their relationship is not so great... it's like a constant battle of wills between them, so it's difficult to be happy and upbeat around them.

So... no, I don't think she sees the good parts of what I said in the e-mail. I really do suspect she is a narcissist to a degree like her day. Hopefully hers is just from immaturity and she will grow out of it.. but I'm not real sure about it. She's distant right now....not calling or contacting me at all, and doesn't answer her phone when I call her. I tried calling her on July 5th about a fireworks thing... and then called her fiance's phone hoping he would answer.. but one of the kids did... for some reason they hung up and I never got to talk to anyone.

I decided I am not calling her anymore, until things change for the better.

And since Ethan's dad lives so close now... I'll just drive to his house to see him.

I'm weary of all the tension and friction at my daughter's house. They constantly seem to say something negative to each other about how something is being done wrong etc...no real fighting or anything.. .just negativity....and it's just not good over there hardly at all. Plus.... his x-wife just took him to court and he has to pay $300 more a week for child support... so losing that money is going to cause even more friction in their relationship.

I don't want to be involved in it.... I've got my own things I've got to deal with and overcome.

I was reading a decorating magazine last night... and just broke down crying.... for all the times I was so "restricted" in what I would have liked to do in our home..and for all I did not 'get' from having a husband like in the articles.

I read of these other women doing all this wonderful stuff..... with their husband's support and also involvement and help... and the more I "heal", the more I am seeing just how bad it really was for me ... and I'm seeing just how much I missed out on by being married the wrong kind of man all these years... and it hurts terribly during those kind of moments.

I am basically mentally and emotionally starved for "acceptance" , "support", "encouragement ", and "praise"... of who I am as a person.. .and my ideas... and my choices of what is fun, and nice, and pretty... etc... because of how little I got in my marriage. I did get some... but it was 'conditional'....

I try to imagine what it would be like to be with a man who "built me up" instead of always tearing me down... and I can't comprehend it at all. It is foreign to my brain and my soul... yet ... when I read these articles of what these couples did to their home or yard or garden etc... I see that there are men out there who do indeed "want" t heir wives to be "happy" being just who she is.. and are willing to "help" her fulfill her wishes and dreams and creative ideas... without making her feel bad about herself, and without making her feel guilty or wrong.

I've over the marriage... I'm over him...

And yet, now... I'm finding even more pain coming to the surface... as I start to see just how "damaged" I really am...as I struggle each day to let myself be "free" to be me.

All the "gunk" is coming up and out... and on it's way out .... .I'm seeing it and feeling it for the first time.... and it hurts... and so I cry a bit... and get over it in time.

In a state of depression... the feelings are numbed down, and so there isn't any real pain.

I'm not depressed anymore... and my feelings are awake and alive... so now, as the bad mental programming stuff is being cleansed out of me.... I'm feeling the pain of it.... of what it cost me to live the way I lived for so long... and all that I lived without having and without getting from both my husband and my kids and my siblings.

I have to daily force myself to tell myself good things about myself to replace all the negative thinking of the past years.

And I have to daily force myself to stand strong "for myself".. and to not give up my fight to live a full life for myself, and by myself. And it gets a little difficult some days.

And other days I feel the progress I've made and am encouraged by the changes I see taking place within myself.

I'm going to be ok. I will survive this.

Some days it just makes me a little weary, and sad. So ya'll be patient with me when I am going through the down times... that are still floating up to the surface during my healing and changing and personal growth processes.

I've got so much learning to do.... of the good kind of stuff, that replaces all the bad and incorrect stuff .... and it will take time. And I want it to go faster than it is.... so I'm having to learn to be patient with myself as well.

So much good has already taken place..... and I know there is more to come.

I just gotta get my brain set free again to let all of my "creative" self back out to play and live freely and unhindered. I've had her stuffed down and closed off for so long... she doesn't understand yet that it really is ok for her to come back out and exist again. Old thought habits die hard.

I'm looking for my inner female "Rocky"... to come out and be strong, and win the fight.

I gotta let myself be free to do.. "for me".. all the things I so willingly did for others. Just haven't quite figured out how to do it. It 's a struggle... but I haven't given up. Those "old" thought patterns and habits will be broken... one at a time, one day at a time.

my latest letter to my kids ... sent about 11:30 am this morning.

I tried to be honest, and yet loving.

Did I succeed in your opinion?

I feel at peace with what I told them, and at peace with my self as far as my choices and my new belief system.

(Just a note... my references to what I did or did not get from people..pertained only to people here, in the flesh, that could have called or come by....

Please know the support and comfort I got from you all means more to me than anything in the world

So... I've done my part. And I am at spiritual rest.

The e-mail subject title was..

"I do still love you both..."

even though you probably don't think so.

I have watched the phone every day for over a month now...

...waiting to see if either of my kids would bother to wonder

how I was doing, would care to know if I was ok, or if I was even still alive.

The phone has been silent.

No calls from anyone at all during that time.

Do you have any idea how much I have been hurting

over the last few months?..first with the pain of the divorce itself,

and then with the added pain of learning about the narcissisim,

and coming to terms with what a total lie our whole marriage had been?

and then dealing with grandma moving back to the house.. and

therefore making the whole last year amount to a total waste of time and effort?

Does my suffering even matter to either of you at all?

I have been feeling like I do not matter to anybody.

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Put it all together... add in the struggle of learning to

be a working person, and the physical and mental fatigue of it all,

and the result is I have been in hell for most of the last few months.

But then, I finally began to see it all in a new light.

It's not about you anymore, or anyone else for that matter.

It's about me.

And I realised what I was experiencing was simply

that I was becoming like all of you have always been...

... living my own life.

And I finally disconnected from the past enough

to be able to mentally comprehend that is an ok thing to do.

My thoughts, my world, my priorties revolved

around everyone elses schedules and needs for the most

part of my life. And now... there's just me. And

that took a lot of mental adjusting to get straight in my head.

And I've had to learn to delete old thought habits out of my brain.

And I've had to learn to record new ones.... new thoughts that

in the past were always crowded out and not allowed, for one reason

or another. For the fist time in my life I'm really totally free to be "me"..

and it's been difficult to allow myself to do that. I'm however starting to

get the hang of it.. and I totally love it. Easy? No. But that's just

part of life.. and I'm daily adjusting my attitudes and relearning new

thought patterns... and getting stronger.

I'm your mom. And I'll always be your mom, and I'll always love you.

However... who I am to you has changed.

My heart's wish is that you will be able to think of me as a

separate adult.. someone you care to know as a person,

just for who she is...and not for what you need from her.

You both are adults. You are no longer needy children...and I

can no longer relate to you in that way.

I'm no longer the person set aside on this earth

to make sure you are ok and happy.

That's your job to do for yourself.

And it's now also my job to do it for myself.

Shanna... I sensed as soon as I got to your house on the

4th of july that something was wrong, and that you were not

happy to see me. Then I find out it wasn't even your idea for me

to be invited there. And, it also had hurt that you never took my calls.

Michael... you told me yourself (in so many words) that you seldom

bother to think about us or wonder how we are doing, that you didn't see

the need to do so.

Then I get a call...

... asking if you all could stay at my apt. only because

Michael doesn't want to be around all the kids.

Now.. you both tell me... how happy I should have been about that?

It was not a call of "hey mom.. we'd love to spend some time with you

and see how you are doing..."

You simply needed a place to crash... during the weekend of

meeting Sandra on top of it. That whole weekend was not at all

about me.. it was about Dad and Sandra... and yet, I was to be considered

basically as a place to be used as a hotel.

"I" did not matter...as a person.

Not then, and not for much of the past 31 years of

my life living with a narcissist who only really loves himself.

So... here we are...a broken family all around.

Needing to learn to form some kind of new

relationships with each other.

I want to be cared about as a person.

I want someone to care about my life...(now that I actually have one, and

am not just a shadow of someone elses world)

And yes...I know and understand that you both have your

own issues to sort out and deal with in all of this.

I'm well aware there are anger issues on your end

about all of this. I've been rather angry myself about a lot of things

since I learned about the narcissism.

And that just adds to my pain, knowing what he's done to you both as

well, in the way he's done all of this.

So... how do we do this?

How do we get though all this?

And how do we learn to relate to each other as individual adults now?

I have no idea. I'm still working on learning to be one.

I was a co-dependent, weak-minded person controlled by

someone elses dictates for 31 years, (by my choice.)

Being a strong, mature, self-sufficient adult is a new thing for me,

and the learning process has been very painful and scary.

And I've had to do it totally on my own, without getting any emotional

support or comforting or encouragement from anyone.

All humans need to be cared about and loved.

I've given that to the two of you all of your lives.

I now need the same in return.

Maybe you don't have it in you to give.

Maybe if I'm not there simply to fulfill your needs,

maybe you won't have any use for me in your life.

I've come to terms with that possibility.

However... underneath it all, I do still love you both, very much.

And just in case we don't get things fixed, I wanted you both to know that.

I can no longer be just someone you think of as a source

of meeting your needs, making you happy,

or healing your hurts and wounds.. although I will always want to do that.

It's what mom's do, forever.

After learning about narcissism...

I can now no longer settle for only one-way giving to others,

or one-way relationships.

I no longer focus only on someone else.

I am a person.

I have a life.

And it's going to be a great life in time..

...one I'd love to be able to share with my kids.

Question for each of you to answer for yourself is...

Is my life, outside of your own world, of any interest to you?

If so, you are both most welcome to be a part of it.

I want you to be a part of my world, my life.

I can no longer just be part of your world or life.

That's not enough for me anymore.

I lived that kind of life for 31 years.

I deserve better, and won't settle for less anymore.

It's up to you.

Just know, that no matter what you decide...

I always have, and always will love you both

and I will always care about your well-being and happiness.

I miss you both,

Love,

Mom

Hello, I heard back from my daughter this morning before I left for work and as I expected, she was offended and angry at some things in my letter.

However.... I'm ok with that.

I understand where it's coming from... especially if she also is a narcissist.

Saw lots of things between us that we need to clear the air about... one of these days.

And also seems to be lots of misunderstandings about things.

She said it was her idea for me to come over for the 4th of July, and I needed

to get my facts straight etc.

She was sitting right there on the sofa that day when

her boyfriend said it was his idea!.

and she sat there glaring at him about it... which I reminded her of in my reply.

When I got my apt. key back from her... she for some unknown reason took

it to mean I didn't want her around.... have no idea why she thought that.

I explained in the reply... (just as I told her when I got the key).... it was only because I wanted more privacy and did not want people to be able to get on my computer or read things I've been writing.. etc. That she was welcome anytime.

She's had a bad month, (either with work, or boyfriend??..don't know specifics yet)... I've had a bad month....so lots of unhappiness on both sides.

In time it will get worked out.

Coming out of the mental narcissism prison I was in... I don't expect them to fully

understand my situation and what I've been going through.

And if as I suspect, they should actually lean towards narcissism themselves... they never will understand, nor will they care, because naricissist do not care about other people, just themselves. And that pretty much describes my kids in a way. There self-centeredness seems to be more than immaturity to me. I hope I'm wrong... but kind of doubt it.

Haven't heard from my son yet, and probably won't. He'll just disappear into his own world and stay out of it.. that's what he does.

So.. if they are narcissistic... then I can totally forget ever getting any mental or emotional support from them, and I'm ok with that.

... I understand it, and will just get it elsewhere.

The main thing is I am wise to the ways of narcissists now,

and I know what to look out for so that I don't get sucked into living "only" for pleasing a narcissist.. even if it's my own kids.

Knowledge is Power... and I've got the power...

It will just take a little

time for me to get used to owning it and using it, after feeling so powerless

over my life for so long.

OK....here we go again.

My "dramas and ponderings" thread shall continue on now, with the new subject of "My Kids"...

Time will tell what develops in the future.

Jeni, I read your reply on the other thread.

I've sent her one more e-mail.

I can't do anything more now... especially while she's like she is.

So it's all in her hands.

If we have a relationship... it will be decided by her responses now.

While she's mad...I'm going to give her the space she seems to want.

I just don't know what else to do, ..

... besides sit and wait now.. and love her from a distance till she is ready to either let out the anger, or whatever needs to be done.

I took the first step and broke the silence...

I've tried to get the door of communication open again..but only seemed to make things worse....?

And, she's got so many other issues in her life as well.. with her boyfriend and his kids and the problems his ex-wife causes her.... she is in a lot of pain froma variety of directions... and I worry about her.

In the past I was always able to be there for her completely... but this time I

had to take care of me and had needs of my own. And that shifted the balance of our pas relationship.

And you are right Jeni ... about my no longer even mentioning their dad to them...especially now that he is married again. I won't.

And I thought of that other possibility too today .... that at some point she could indeed get mad enough to want to keep me from Ethan...

so yeah, you're right... Robin will be totally non-existent in our conversations from now on.

In the meantime.... my daughter has her own hurts and wounds to get healed.

And as I thought about that, I realised I'm the cause of a lot of them, even back to her childhood..

And I realised I wanted to do whatever it takes to help her get well from what I caused ... and so I sent her a letter stating that.

She may not ever want to work on it...? I don't know.

I had to at the least let her know that I was willing to do what ever may be necessary on my part to do... go to counciling with her.. whatever.

She can't fully heal from the emotional wounds I inflicted on her without my being part of the cleansing process. Once a parent is dead and gone.. it's too late. I know from experience.... my mother died 29 years ago this month, 2 months before Shanna was born in October. And my dad died a year and half later.

If I do not give her anything else in her life... I so want to give her whatever mental health and emotional well being can be given... by being willing to go to couciling with her and work through the wounded parts.

Only time will tell what takes place...

I tried to let her know a little bit about my past... as a way of explaining myself a bit. I don't know if she'll understand it or not....

I just had to at least try something.

So much mis-communication going on right now... and her allegiance is of course to her dad... which I totally understand. So she's angry and probably defensive?... I don't know.

Maybe in time after I continue to grow and change... we too can form some kind of good relationship as well.

On the other hand.... I have to be realistic and face that it might not ever happen. Sometimes parents and kids never get along, never understand each other. It might end up being that way with her and I.

I hope not. Time will tell.

hey i only had to bring up reply three times,getting better?

grace you can not do anything more,

you know god gives us the same, he tells us he is there for us, he is ready to talk,offers us his help,his love, but he can not give it to us unless we are ready to talk to him, receive him,and excepts his love. and until your daughter is ready, there is nothing else you can do, leave it in gods hands now, he is the wise one here, i know you have already taken this to him, so set back,enjoy ethan and your son, god will take care of it for you.trust him,now ain't i the one to talk,lol

Thank you for your wonderful words of steadfast encouragement and hope.

I am always blessed by what you have to say.

And yes, God is always good.... even when we don't think so sometimes...lol

"I'm a mistake". At least

that is what I have always believed inside about myself. The

internalized belief came floating up in tears a bit ago as I began my day sitting on the edge of my bed praying about my life...and again

going over past mistakes I made that are costing me now. Never seeming to ever be able to get away from drowning in confessions

and remorse and condemnation about myself and my choices. And wishing I could stop making those mistakes, I lamented out loud to God in tears that I was "tired of paying the consequences of my mistakes".... and then suddenly the next sentence formed in my head

out of no where.... "I'm tired of being a mistake."

I sat stunned in silence for a bit... because I had no idea that I "really" really felt that way inside about myself. But then I

remembered my mother telling me at an early age that I was a mistake....me and my brother were both mistakes she said. She did

not plan on having anymore kids....

And as I faced the reality of that internalized belief I just sat on the bed and cried for a little bit, feeling the pain... as that

belief floated its way out of my inner belief system.

Sometimes splinters hurt worse coming out, than when they first went in. And so it is with getting 'junk' out of our mental and emotional

belief system. It will hurt for a bit on its way out when facing the truths we harbor inside ... but then its gone forever...never again to be a part of the definition of who we are.

Part of me always knew I had that 'feeling' about myself, and I

fought it the best I could at times. But I could "profess" till I'm blue in the face for years that I'm not a mistake. The thing is, simply

professing it does not suffice to eliminate the true inner "belief". And as long as that deep, deeply hidden belief was down in there...buried...and operational.... it was able to affect my life.... keep me tied to it. A "mistake".... does not have a good life, does not qualify for good things in life... and most certainly does not deserve love, or forgiveness. A mistake means it wasn't supposed to exist.

So, instead of good growth and good things, life served as a means to consistently try to "erase" evidence that this mistake of 'me' existed. Maybe that's the real reason I spent so much time in depression... and becoming more and more invisible and non-existent over the years... an extended, on-going act of erasing the mistake of my existence.

A lot of wrong internal messages have been floating up lately....on

their way out, permanently. So I think I'm getting to the core of things now, that have in the past had the main controls of my life and my choices.

It's Spring time... time for New Life, and New Growth to take place.

And for the last few weeks I've been asking God to do the growing in me. To water, feed, nurish this "plant" called "me".... because He is the only one that can protect and allow this living thing to even exist.

As I water my plants these days.... I say a prayer for myself,

that God will do something to keep me alive too.. and that He will

allow me to grow, and blossom, and bloom into the fullness of

whatever it is I'm designed to grow and be. I've been a paltry little

wilted thing for so long now... a plant hugging the ground almost dead.

The disease called "mistake" has been killed off now. It can't hurt

me anymore. Hopefully some major good growth can start to take place now. Winter is past. It's soon Spring. It's time to live.

I'm not a mistake.

Because God does not make mistakes. And He is the one who planted me here. And His decision overrides what my parents

did or did not want.

From now on, I'll live by God's labels for me.

Just like Jeni says:

little grace there, walking around in a huge world of beauty and wonder, the world is hers for the taking................

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