"Okay, Mes Chers, I'm glad I got that little ole expense account taken care of with St. Matthew. I got him to see those items I charged was part of the marketing strategy, the Big Picture. Besides, I needed an upgrade. We even compromised on one issue: I'll now take cappuchino on my break instead of a café latte. That's to keep me mindful of St. Francis. The new, dramatic clothing and the 'do and the other accessories (not to be named later) are part of the image, like. And, wearing the wrong-colored shoes or underwear that doesn't match would be simply barbaric! I agreed not to get any navel adornment; and to get prior approval before any dramatic change in hair color is effected. Bureaucrats!
" also agreed not to harangue the riders on streetcars or the tourists, but to concentrate my prophecy in Fat City, a neighborhood noted for its lack of righteousness. This was no sacrifice, as I can recharge my prophetic betteries with a meal at La Madeline and a dessert afterwards and stick it on the expense account ole Matt gave me as long as I take him along for 'research purposes.' Good man; he's learning how to pad 'em, Louisiana style.
"Alright, now. My assignment today is to talk about the Seven Deadlies. So, settle in, and take good notes. These are real no-nos in the Boss's book. So, start reforming now, or we'll send the big former LSU basketball player and he'll slam dunk you toute suite.
"First off, there's Being Full of Yourself. Having a little self-esteem is okay; just don't put yourself too much in the catbird seat. Word on the street has it that the final products of your digestion reeks also. Just tell yourself, 'Sarah Michelle Gellar is Buffy, I'm not.'
"Then there's Having Hissy Fits. Or even worse, having a full-fledged Conniption Fit. Rein in those negative emotions, and speak softly thy words of censure to thy fellow man (and woman). Be especially forgiving of dogs. However, you may abuse college administrators to your heart's content.
"Another really bad news sin is Sensuality. You don't have to give into this vice. That is so piggish and rude. The well-bred Catholic girls don't think of such things. Here's some tips: Gals: Think of Carrot Top or Howie Mandell. Guys: Think of Katy Couric or Anna Nicole and that should cure it.
"A vice both unspeakable and unsavory is Being Laid Back and Mellowed Out. The Big Guy expects you to do an honest effort in things, and not just coast along on the coattails of your fellow humans. Use that heathen killer weed sparingly, and drink three beers, max. It is the soul of wickednes to sleep beyond 11 A.M. unless you have a night job.
"There's nothing good we can say about Pigging Out. You peeps need to keep away from "All You Can Eat" places or college cafeterias. Go easy on the junk food. Besides, the calories are bad for you and you can get the trots from the poorly prepared foods in some fast food places. (This sin does not apply in Paris or New Orleans, where they know how to do food.)
"The recent behavior of some corporate executives suggests that Taking Care of Business and Looking Out for Number One is still a biggie for people getting off the straight-and-narrow. Look, guys and gals: take only what you can carry in both hands, capische? There's plenty enough to go around.
"Let's watch that sin of Envy. Some people got some goodies, others don't. Thus is the way of the Lord. He just didn't send you a memo about it, 'kay? If you really want to know, then send a memo to Him and copy all of the Members of the Executive Committee; or you can bribe someone on the side in the time-honored Louisiana Way.
"Here's another one: Sending Spam. This is truly an activity that marks you as perverted beyond comparison and destined to many, many years of hanging out with ad executives and corporate lawyers in Heck."
"Uh, Prophetess, I think that is eight of them?"
"Uh, okay. Just go along with all of them anyway, okay? And my reading between the lines suggests that playing the ponies is not on the list. Sooooooo . . . . Sister Theresa, our cutting class and betting on the nags was okay with the Big Guy. You shouldn't have sent us to detention for our 'Field Trip.'
"Any questions?"
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