What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Decoffinated!

What are a vampire's favourite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

Where does Dracula usually go for his lunch?
At the casketeria.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jam has been sucked out of the jam doughnuts.

What is the favourite drink of overweight vampires?
"Blood Lite".

What did the bartender say to the vampire?
This blood's for you!

What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work...it was all in vein.

What did the hobo vampire say to the rich man?
"Can I put the bite on you for a free meal?".

How can you tell if a vampire is lazy?
He uses leeches.

Why didn't Dracula ever get married?
He just never found the right ghoul!

What did Dracula say to Wolfman after introducing his new girlfriend?
"I've always been a sucker for a pretty face".

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the vampire never marry?
He wanted to remain a Bat-chelor

How does a female vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

Why couldn't the vampire's wife get any sleep?
Because of his coffin.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What did the Mummy vampire say to the baby vampire?
"You are driving me batty".

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Is it true that a vampire can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch?
Yes, but it depends on how fast you carry it!

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?
A hamburger that bites back!

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and an egyptian mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
Tired Blood.

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes "Quack Quack"?
Count Duckula.

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
"I'd like to get to gnaw you."

What is Dracula's favourite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

Where does Dracula water ski?
Lake Erie.

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
Because of his bat temper.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

What songs does a vampire hate?
"You are my sunshine" and "Sunshine on my shoulders".

Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!

What is a vampire's favourite sport?
Casket Ball!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
The bats (and the double-headers).

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

Why aren't vampires good gamblers?
They always make "sucker bets"!

How can you spot a vampire jockey?
They always win by a neck!

What does a vampire say when he thinks he's in trouble?
"I have a bat feeling about this".

Why do vampires make great artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.

Where do vampires go to deposit their savings?
A blood bank.

What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape.

What's soft, mouldy, and flies?
A spoiled bat.

A vampire bat flies back into his cave after a big night...he has blood all over his face. Perches himself on the roof to try and get some rest.
But before too long the other bats smell the blood, and start to gather around him. They ask feverishly where he got the blood from. Knowing that they will not let up till he tells them "OK, follow me!".
He flies out of the cave, across a valley, over a river into a dark forest. Deep in the forest he stops, all the other bats gather round in an excited frenzy.
"OK", says the bat, "see that big oak tree over there?". "Yeah yeah" reply the other bats, drooling in anticipation.
"Well I *@#$en didn't!", said the bat.