The Dark Night of the National Soul is over, and we are in the all-too-brief period between elections. Time for the strong emotions to go down, and cooler heads to reign for a change, (Ha ha ha, I should talk, with my election day 'incident.' It's now time for the gentler angels of our nature to come off of their recreational drugs and regain executive control over things. In this spirit, let us contemplate what we have in common, dear people:
1. There is surely bipartisan disgust with spam, and not the Hormel product.
2. And surely the most consistently liberal or conservative person would equally want to give the Trumpian 'do a makeover?
3. Does anyone look forward to the sound of leafblowers in the early weekend morns?
4. Is there someone who does not think of dead cod when seeing Dan Rather?
5. The designated hitter rule. Surely this is devil-inspired.
6. And while we are at it, there's the almost universal odium for the Noo Yawk Yankees. No, it's not the New York part; no one is especially annoyed with the Mets, despite their cheesy team colors. It's the generations of arrogance that team, owners, and fans share in that. Even overstuffed palentologists.
[time for a PMS med break]
7. And cutesy euphemisms. Since I am unmarried and childless, I have no need for a 'little girls' room,' for instance. Most people, when they need to, prefer a plain old toilet.
8. Telemarketers. Does anyone like 'em? Those that do might be a fit topic for an abnormal psychology class.
9. Speed bumps. When your car has poor shocks or whatever those thingies are, and you're coming down with a migraine, thase are really the last thing you need.
10. Changing rooms in stores with 'saloon-type' doors. What is this with the skimpy doors?
11. People who natter on when leaving messages on the phone.
12. "Will you have fries with that?"
13. Teasers for the local news.
14. Warm beer.
15. Then there are the people who are trying to shock you or gross you out. How do you manage them? Act lady-like, but entirely unflappable as if you are confused with everything going on.
16. Lip syncing. Why does this upset people so much, I don't know. But, Charlie, there's a lot of falsity going around and this is small in the total scheme of things.
17. Muzak.
18. Or, what's worse, Muzak based on current pop music.
19. People who have exceeded their 15 minutes of fame: Pam Anderson, Scott Peterson, Bono, Carrot Top, Michael Moore, And, all of you, get thee to a hairdresser!
20. People who obsess about hair. Reading #2 and #19, I guess I'm guilty too.
21. Courtney Love. Though calling her stylish certainly lowers the bar for the rest of us.
22. Cold toilet seats.
23. Lines for rest rooms on airplanes.
24. Airline cuisine, such as it is called.
25. The utter fraud and falsity of so much Cajun food. Folks, I am one. And blackening and hyperseasoning are not the custom.
26. Wagnerian opera.
27. Door-to-door solicitors for religions.
28. Protracted committee meetings.
29. Celebrity 'roasts.' Though some could be served with gravy.
30. Dance or musical production numbers for award ceremonies.
Anyway, I tried. If there is anything that could possibly cause Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians to sing on the same key, it's the existential encounter with a frigid toilet seat on a cold January's morning. Supposedly this is the major reason for the outmigration from the Frostbelt south.
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