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| | | From: juds (Original Message) | Sent: 3/15/2006 3:45 AM |
This thread contains the posts from the original Wonky Eye Comedy Club thread. Reply
| | | From: juds | Sent: 9/22/2005 6:24 PM | | A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook" | | Reply
| | Interesting that you are talking about pirates. It just so happens that the
other day was talk like a pirate day and actually, your name in Pirate
language is Captain Prudence. Hahaha! Isn't that a hoot! There are even
Pirate language generators/translators that will translate an entire webpage
for you. Thought you would like to be amused. Henceforth, you shall be
known as Captain Prudence! Ay Ay Matey!
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| | | LOL DV! Interesting also that the initials for Captain Prudence are CP, and when my doctor is being particularly irritable, we call him Dr. CP, short for Dr. Cranky Pants. Of course we don't say that to his face. He already knows he's cranky! | | Reply
| | | From: juds | Sent: 9/23/2005 10:16 AM | | Here is the joke that inspired my earlier, flawed and failed attempt at humor. I guess I should leave it to the pros. Although, if any group of people deserve to have a sense of humor, it surely has to be us, the neglected, the forgotten, the twitchy. If this bombs, too, I'll just stick to knock-knock jokes.
"got this from another group- FUNNIEST thing I've read in awhile!
How many group members does it take to change a lightbulb? - 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has
been changed - 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently - 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
- 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs - 53 to flame the spell checkers
- 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
- 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
- another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
- 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
- 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and
that "light bulb" is perfectly correct - 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy" - 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to
please take this discussion to a lightbulb group - 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic
forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped - 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use
light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group - 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty - 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light
bulbs - 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
- 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
- 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety
including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" - 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because
they cannot handle the light bulb controversy - 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
- 44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
- 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
- 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs" - 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and start it all over again...." | | Reply
| | | After reading all of that (and laughing hysterically, I might add!), it seems to me that we were pretty luck you only posted as much as you did! You are a hoot, Juds, I don't care what anybody says! | | Reply
| | | what's green and sits on your lawn on St. Patricks Day?............. Paddy O'Furniture! thank you, I'll be here all week! No applause, just throw money! | | |
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| | | From: juds | Sent: 3/15/2006 3:47 AM |
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| | | From: juds | Sent: 9/23/2005 9:09 PM | | Hmmm...I guess it's true, Jeanie, you can fool some of the people all of the time.  Kel. For you. | | Reply
| | Thanks Juds! I think I'll take my show on the road.....NOT! I'd better stick to my day job!  | | Reply
| | | what did the casket say to the other casket...... (scroll) .... .... .... .... is that you "coffin"?? and finally... my favorite of all.... why don't vampires suck the blood from clowns necks?? (drum roll...) ... ... ... because they taste FUNNY. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... hope you got a good laugh! | | Reply
| | | OK...blonde joke...hope I don't offend anyone. This blonde was trying to put a puzzle together and she was having troubles. Her boyfriend came over and she was all distraught. He asked what was the problem and she said "I have been working on this puzzle for hours, and I just can't figure it out! There are so many pieces! " He asked what it was supposed to be and she replied "A tiger". So, he offered to help her. They went into the other room and he looked at the puzzle. She was still pretty upset. After much thought, he said "Ok, honey, try to calm down...first, go have a cup of tea or something. Then, what we need to do is to start putting the frosted flakes back into the box...." | | Reply
| | | What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Eliphino! I told my friend I was looking for a henweigh She said "What's a henweigh?" I said "About 2 pounds!" Why do eskimos take baths in tide? Because it's too cold out tide! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!! | | Reply
| | | lighthearted, silly poetry.... down by the river on top of a hill stands a red mill painted green the sun shines bright in the middle of the night gad what a beautiful scene i went to the circus tomorrow, i sit in the front by the back i fell from the floor to the ceiling and broke the front of my back | | Reply
| | | From: juds | Sent: 10/12/2005 5:12 PM | | Three women went to the doctor to have a memory test. The doctor said to the first woman, "What is two times two?" The woman replied, "753." The doctor then asked the second woman, "What is two times two?" The second woman replied, "Cantaloupe." The doctor then turned to the third woman and, with a sigh, asked her, "What is two times two?" The third woman thought for a moment and then said, "Four." The doctor threw up his hands and shouted, "Wonderful! How did you get that?" "Easy," said the woman, "I just subracted 753 from cantaloupe." | | |
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| | | From: juds | Sent: 3/15/2006 3:49 AM |
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| | | From: juds | Sent: 10/13/2005 12:18 PM | | A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90. | | Reply
| | | From: juds | Sent: 10/13/2005 12:23 PM | | We had a little mishap here yesterday. I was smoking and left my cigar burning on a saucer while I ran to the store. I came home to find the fire department in full force and my library an empty shell. Along with some personal items, most of my books were burnt to a crisp. The real tragegy is that I hadn't finished colouring in one of them. | | Reply
| | | From: juds | Sent: 10/13/2005 12:45 PM | | Eleven rules of housecleaning 1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. If disturbed, dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands," and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Use your Cheshire smile when you say this.
6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere." 11. No matter what needs to be done around the house, the computer always comes first. | | Reply
| | | From: juds | Sent: 10/17/2005 4:21 PM | A Mother's Dictionary DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house. | | |
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