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| | From:  Annie-LL (Original Message) | Sent: 10/21/2008 9:49 PM |
| | | The Mystery of Childbirth | |  | | | A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations | |
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We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones! They speak in whispers all
the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do
they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the
other day and she has aged so much that she didn't
even recognize me!
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was
combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I
glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW-
even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them! All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days,
too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a
size 10 or 12 dress as 16 or 18? Do they think no one
notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! |
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when....
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen
8.. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it..
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
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White horse  thanks for that heavenly cat. that reminded me of a good one, see if i find it... |
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Whitehorse, are you SURE you don't know me?
Then how come your posts describe me to a T? LOL |
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You are welcome QueenVic.
No Lemmy I don't know you but I thought it was me to a T too hehehehehe.
(We must be a similar age)
Whitehorse |
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Awful 4-Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like cook, wash, iron, and dust..." |
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." Thanks, TBW. |
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!' |
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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three. The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed. The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed. Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill." |
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Trucker's Breakfast
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards...... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ....mean three pancakes,... a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, .....and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.. !
'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
I LOVE THIS ONE........
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!! |
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Two Old Ladies Two old ladies were out driving around town, and the passenger saw that the driver had gone thru a red traffic light. After she noticed the second traffic light the driver went thru, she asked her: "Maude, are you aware that you went thru two red lights already?" The driver gave a little gasp and said: "Oh, my. Am I driving?" |
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Purina Dog Food Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!  |
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The tiniest cabin A hiker from Massachusetts was walking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!" |
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Stupid Question / Answers 1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:-Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is ! The "Paneer butter Masala" dish good?? Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. Were you sleeping? Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... .. |
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Parrot for sale A man went to an auction. He bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he kept on bidding,
But kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher.
Finally, he won the bid. As he was paying, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I surely hope such a costly parrot can talk.
"Don't worry", said the Auctioneer,
"He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .... Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?
Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also.
He is so faithful, every time he returned back to me. |
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