Improving Your Family Get-Togethers
Family clashes come out more strongly during the holidays than at other times. Here's how to make the most of the season. By Leonard Felder, Ph.D. As a psychologist who helps people deal with their more difficult relatives, I've found that at holiday time these stresses and personality clashes with certain family members come out more strongly than at other times of the year. To make sure your family gatherings are more harmonious this year than in the past, there are specific--and spiritual--things you can do. 1. Say a silent prayer or meditate silently right at the moment when your family is acting up. The prayer can be, "Please God (or Spirit), give me strength to be patient with the difficult members of my family and open me up to the possibility that I will have a few sacred moments of connection with those family I love and whom I don't get to see often enough." Or, humorously, it can be, "Thank you God (or Spirit) that I don't have to see these people 24/7." 2. Choose to bless your most troubled or difficult family member rather than cursing this person. In most spiritual traditions there are blessings you can say to regain your peace of mind and your ability to speak respectfully to even the most unpleasant individuals. For example, if you silently say to yourself, "May God bless and keep this person," it gives you an extra 10 seconds of impulse control so that you can negotiate calmly with this difficult individual rather than erupting in anger or insults. Instead of provoking a war with this person, you can silently bless him or her and then say respectfully out loud, "Let's work together to figure out how to improve the way we interact at these holiday gatherings. You go first, and I'll listen to your ideas. Then I'll go second, and I hope you'll listen to my ideas, too." 3. Look for the wounded soul that is often hidden deeply under this person's toxic comments and personality traits. You may need to do some informal research ahead of the next visit to find out from aunts, uncles, cousins, or others when and how this difficult family member changed from being a kind soul into an angry or self-absorbed individual. That doesn't mean you need to whitewash or minimize the hurtful things he or she does, but rather it will give you the compassion and perspective to realize this person's woundedness is old and deep, having nothing to do with you. From: |