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Hi...I'm new here although I have been reading on this site for months. I need someone to talk to. I'm at the end of any feelings. Does this ever end? |
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| | From:  femfree | Sent: 14/07/2008 6:51 p.m. |
HI. How can we help. I know being involved with one of these people can be an awful experience? Have you contacted your local mental health association for help? Hang in there femfree |
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I left a post in "your stories"....18yrs.of chaos. I just need to talk to people who KNOW about this. I'm at the end of my rope....between K and my husband I'm living in a void. It's like everytime she says a kind word to daddy all bets are off and I somehow turn into the monster again. Does this happen with anyone? Back & forth....promises broken? I feel only one last heartbreak and that will be my husband leaving for good. This is the only way to get rid of her. I feel for him....really feel bad, but I have to be free of her. |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 14/07/2008 7:34 p.m. |
Hi scream. These people enjoy pitting one person against another. Therefore, playing daddy agqainst mommy and vice versa can be one of the many manipulative tools they love to use. It is nightmare situation of no resolution until one of this sick triadic cycle ends their involvement. It's an old story we find a lot around our sites. Here is a collection of some excerpts The Number One mistake people make is to not recognise the serial bully as a sociopath or disordered personality. Naivety is the greatest enemy - most people can't or won't believe that the person they're tackling is a serial bully, and consequently expect the bully to recognise their wrongdoing and make amends. Serial bullies cannot and will not - but they will ruthlessly exploit other people's naivety to ensure their own survival. Never underestimate the serial bully's deviousness, ruthlessness, cunning, and ability to deceive - and their vindictiveness.
A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:
a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarrelling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and
b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.
Bullying in the Family
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm The family bully encourages and manipulates family members etc to lie, act dishonourably and dishonestly, withhold information, spread misinformation, and to punish the target for alleged infractions, ie the family members become the bully's unwitting (and sometimes witting) instruments of harassment.
Bullying in the Family
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm<o:p></o:p> When close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully feigns victimhood and turns the focus on themselves - this is another example of manipulating people through their emotion of guilt, eg sympathy, feeling sorry, etc. Female serial bullies are especially partial to making themselves the centre of attention by claiming to be the injured party whilst portraying their target as the villain of the piece. When the target tries to explain the game, they are immediately labelled "paranoid". Attention-seeking behaviour is common with emotionally immature people.
Bullying in the Family
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm<o:p></o:p> The serial bully is easy to spot once you know what you are looking at: Jekyll and Hyde nature, compulsive lying, manipulation (or emotions, perceptions, beliefs, etc), unpredictability, deception, denial, arrogance, narcissism, attention-seeking, etc - whilst always charming and plausible, especially when impressionable witnesses are present.
Bullying in the Family
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that: a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarrelling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict I am not sure where the original link is now, it is from Tim field's excellent site, but Tim has passed away some time ago. http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/thebully.msnw <o:p></o:p> |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 14/07/2008 7:37 p.m. |
Hi. Sadly, since the unfortunate death of Tim Field, the website has been changed until I found it here |
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I think I wasn't clear about needing to talk with someone. You have all been so kind to reply but, I have been to these sites and more...I have researched all of this until I just can't read anymore. What I need is to find someone to talk back and forth with....penpal???? I'm a good listener too, we can share. I know the only answer is to end my marriage. After 18yrs. and NOTHING has changed I believe it never will. "K" has done such hideous things and hasn't made a dent in her father so I guess anything she does will always be accepted and forgiven by him. We have talked endlessly and I have given the ultimatum...her or me. Nothing has worked. It seems he expects me to just "put up". I can't do that and have any kind of real happiness. Just knowing he is in the other room talking on the phone to her sends waves of hatred & anger. That's not who I am & I don't want to become an angry bitter person. If anyone reads this that is living a similar life I need to hear from you. This is my "stepdaughter". If you have this problem please contact me. |
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dear screamsinside-your name gave me the words to communicate my level of emotion to my husband. the level of rage disappointment sadness (my errrr! 'darling' 14 yr old psy/nar son just walkes into my room and made fun of me because I put both hands on the monitor 'mom has a secret?' I said 'yes i do. he laughs) about the feelings - sometimes i have to physically recover from them. that level of feeling is exhausting. i don't have to tell you how they can go from charming to you wondering if they just bit you in 2 seconds or less. Congratulations you just got your self a penpal [email protected] you really sound like some one i can relate to. drop me a line (or2,3, or maybe 7 i have those kind of days too  ). i will respond promtly. i noticed that your story is gone. so you'll have to catch me up please. well, i have 5 yrold twin boys and a 7 yr old total goth lite and my precious pony lover( shes my never gets in trouble straight A child). type at you soon-belrose777 |
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hope the email link works for you -it took me to micosoft out look-if it doesn't work for you i guess go to your compose new email spot put my address in maually and do your thing. i'll be prayin for ya - belrose |
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Hi - I couldn't read your story; it shows "deleted by author". I would be happy to listen and talk with you. My daughter is 21 and married to a narcisstic sociopath. She has gone from being ADD and ODD to the latest diagnosis of ADD, OCD and bipolar. (Do any of the people have a clue?) She is adopted and has caused a chasm between my husband and I. Neither of our aproaches to dealing with the problem was at all successful. |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 23/07/2008 9:08 p.m. |
Hi Golflady. I'm so sorry for your situation. The mentally/personality disordered just love to cause a rift between two people. That way, the real problem is hidden under layers of accusations and the real problem (the bully) is projected outwards as they accuse other people of being the problem, not looking at their own behaviour. Just learning this is a huge step forward. Please know also, that in my nearly 10 years of managing such forums that I've been very surprised to find such high numbers of mentally affected people who have hooked up with others with mental problems. They partner with each other in hugh numbers. They are drawn to their own kind it seems and we find about (give or take) 40% of our members fall into this category according to experienced forum managers. I recommend getting coping tips from your local mentalhealth association and, do learn quickly, how to say no to actual questions and to detach from their histrionic behaviour. Sadly, there is no cure and if you've been reading at our forum, it is sad to see the numbers of adoptive children. Take Care - be strong. femfree A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that: a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarrelling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict
http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/thebully.msnw |
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Thank you femfree. We didn't give her the satisfaction of us disagreeing; believed the old adage of not fighting in front of kids. But if she is criticized she immediately turns it around and accuses me of doing the same thing with an example, and doesn't think of her own behavior. The mention of vindictiveness really scares me though mainly because of the seriously disturbed son in law. Screaminside - Your husband sounds a lot like mine, always forgive anything and everything. He was raised in a permissive home and thinks "just give kids a lot of love and they will turn out ok". He didn't take the ODD diagnosis seriously and look to where it could lead; nor did he bother to understand the "cluster B" traits that led to that diagnosis. I have always, as a former teacher/ school counselor. thought that natural consequences occuring was a powerful tool. For example if our daughter didn't have gas money I would say she shouldn't have bought those cds and my husband would say here's some money for gas. In the last 3 years as the natural consequences have become serious (and we had several incidents of him not getting the respect and adulation he felt he deserved) my husband has moved a bit in his attitude toward my way of thinking. By age 18 we should have produced a reasonably responsible young adult, right? Hah! We have taken steps to protect ourselves financially and otherwise...I hope. |
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Hi there Scream I know something about your life - we are all unique though Have you tried a Tough Love Programme? I can tell you a bit about Tough Love if it would help but seeing as you seem to really need to interact with someone - and so did I - I would suggest Tough Love It's a 12 Step Programme and we all start from the same place - that someone in our lives is taking over The people in these groups are as desperate as you - believe me - I have been through it myself Basically - the message is "I love you but I hate what you are doing so either stop doing it here or go away and do it somewhere else" And alas - sometimes some people will push everything until the final limit - they will die. I know this is hard - for me - it's all in the past tense - and I don't often mention it - but my P pushed it until the final limit Take care Sparky |
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