I have a 16 year old daughter who is very similar, in fact if youread on the site the Smear Campain that is right where we are now because we tried to protect ourselves. She saw the power she had to hurt me by a rumor 2 years ago,so began the "I am abused by my parents". I was devestated by the alligations because I felt as if my daughter was my abusive spouse ("dont look at me when we are eating, dont wear padded bras, too much make up, dress nicer"). I began counseling 1.5 years ago...after a year my counselor said my daughter is a narcissist...so began my search on information and came here. Dr v. said that it's hard to determine normal adolescent actions from narcissist. My counselor had no other advice either except to "Retreat and protect yourself" and in counseling we praticed how to do that when you still love and need to parent a 16 year old. Well...she had no power over me any more...I would walk away from fights, which lead to extreme violence on her part to pull me in. Warned by counselor, but still fell inti it, she tried to jump out of my car and i grabbed her until I could pull over, meanwhile she had a scratch from me. She punched and screamed and when we got home ran away. We took her to police station and she began the "im abused he's the proof". since May 07 she has been inpatient for 2weeks 2times and is now in a 55,000 residential treatment facility for 6 months. I dont know if they will break through the delussions and iron walls that this child has. RAD has been put out there but counselors will not give her that.

Diagnosis:

Sever OCD

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Mood Disorder.

Found help for RAD > www.centerforvictory.com< Dr. Eric Guy

LUV~M

 

I felt like I was reading something I wrote! I have a 15 year old daughter and also an ex husband that is narcissistic. I suffered many years of abuse and then many years of counseling to get over the damage.

 

Lately I/we have been struggling with my daughter. It wasn't until 2 days ago that I put it together that she may be narcissistic also. I look at all the symptoms over the past year. She has every sign of NPD. It is so sad to me because I feel the same way - I don't want to hate her like I do her father and I don't want to completely distance myself from her as I have had to do with her father. See I am my daughter's number one target/victim/supply just as I was her father's. I guess it is because people with NPD seek out my type.

 

The ironic thing about all of this is she HATES her father. He can also be so cruel to her. I beleive it is because you can't have to NPD's together....it is too much competition. He has emotionally scarred her just as he has done to me. When I finally got strong enough to put him out of my life and learn to deal with as I should, he sought her as his next supply system.

 

I am currently on this website because I also want to find a way to help her and diagnos her. I have started by researching therapists that are trained in this area so they can possibly recomend where to get her completely tested for NPD or possible other personality disorders.

If I find something out I will keep you posted.  Stay strong and always remember it isn't your fault!

Hi Emmey,

 

My X husband was a N, and I suffered terriably when I was with him.My daughters saw the way he treated me, and I have to say they tuned to be just as he is. None of us are in Contact. i do however beleive to leave the door open in your heart for you daughter, but like me. I had to have boundries, and they are not to let them in (the door) unless they treat me with respect, and kindness as I gave to them.

Thanks for writing, I am happy I am not alone.

Hugs,

Eveningstar

Boy can I relate.  My daughter will be 18 soon.  She has returned home from a residential treatment center she lived at for 2 years.  Before that were several stints in mental hospitals and running away until she got herself in a lock up facility for the past 2 years.

 

She is diagnosed with oppositional defiance, anxiety disorder, and probable Borderline Personality disorder.  They are reluctant to put that label on teenagers.  Narcisism is another label frequently made about her.

 

The car story reminded me of a drive to a new therapist about 4 years ago.  I left work early and raced home to get her to this appt.  She wouldn't get in the car sao I bribed her with $20.  She got in but wouldn't do up her seatbelt.  I hadn't even left the neighborhood and she was screaming "f...you" in my ear. As this was takinjg place, I drove right through a stop sign on this quiet street.  The cop rilght behind me gave me a ticket that cost $500.  He wasan't interested in my problem.

 

I have been to tough love, conferences, countless therapists with her, called the cops after she punched me in the arm and cornered me in the garage as I was storing the contents of her bedroom.  Her room was covered in candy wrappers, crumpled homework, tampons, cat litter...sorry, too graphic...so I'd grab the opportunity to bleach her floor and empty her room when she was gone.  If I knocked and attempted to enter her room, she'd shove me through the door and corner me to yell in my ear.

 

4 years later, she has made some gains since school.  In the past, she would dump her food if my food touched hers, or I touched her plate.  She would empty the fridge after a shopping trip and waste packaged food after ashe had eaten as much as she could.  Today, she will actually sit on my bed to chat once in a while.  She can be very sweet occasionally, but generally it's when she wantsa sojmething from me.  I haven't had scissors held up to my eye, or the computer lifted over my head in quite some time.  I have learned 2 things in dealing with her.

 

1) For me, it works best to avoid any and all power struggles.  She loves a good battle.  I refuse to engage.  When she's screacming obscenities at me, I walk away.  When I drivcew her to the bus early morning, we are able to agree to just not talk at all.  She can warn me.  I shut up. 

 

2) She has an anxiety disorder. The worst crises were in times of her stress.  For example, she threatened to stab out my eyes and smash my head in with the desk top the night of 8th grade graduation.  She was panicing because she couldn't find her hair ties.  I came in to her room to help her look and she freaked out.

 

She used to remove all the door knobs in the house after I switched back her bedroom door to the non lock variety. (6th grade)  Today, she has shoved her dresser in front of her door and uses the ladder to climb in and out of her room.  This may be ousy parenting on my part, but I pick my battles..and it really cuts down on the mess in the kitchen.

 

She doesn't cut anymore. 

 

I no longer look to guilt myself for her problems.  I love her deeply.  I know a few friends I respect who are going through similar struggles.  I work with kids for my profession.  Thank heavens my other child is an incredible person.  My friend's N son is her only child.

 

 

 

 

hi...and welcome to you all. I have been coming here now for almost 2 years I think.doesn't time fly when you are having fun!!!

 

My daughter started to show odd signs of behaviour around age 14 and by the time she was 19, it went right off the scale.

 

You have been given good advice.....protect yourselves and learn as much as you can.learn to detach...impossible I know when we talk about the kids we have stood by, loved and nurtured and love still.we can't help them, they are what they are.

 

There are other parts to this site that deal with narcissism and psychopaths......its a good idea to browse round and see what is in store for you if you don't protect yourselves. good luck

Hello there

 

Like everyone one else here - I've been there too

 

I don't know what the outcomes of all the different stories will be - but I can add emphasis to what other people have said

 

Don't try and interact in her games

 

Walk away

 

If she walks away - don't follow her

 

Turn you face away and ignore black looks and refuse to argue

 

If she walks out and doesn't come back - wait 24 hours before calling the police - although you may have to notify them in some places - I'm not 100% sure of that

 

And I know the Jekyll and Hyde profile - people think she's an angel yeah? and butter won't melt in her mouth (whatever that means)

 

I know this can be a battle to the death - but all you can do is to play it cool and walk away - drive away without looking - who cares if she has to walk 10 miles to a phone - she's begging for it

 

The less you interact - the less she is in charge, the less power she has - which will enrage her - but that's her problem.

 

Twink - do we have any notes in the sides boards about "Whose Problem it is"?

 

Sparky

 

 

Hi sparky.good to see you. sorry, I don't know about whose problem etc..Dancer is much more clued up on this stuff than I am.

 

couldn't agree more with your advice though re walking away, cos no matter what we do, they tend to leave anyway and only come back when they run out of supply.