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| | From:  Katilac39 (Original Message) | Sent: 2/03/2008 10:00 a.m. |
I'm the mother of a teenage boy. I'm very streetwise. I'm educated. And I have been in denial for a long time.
There is so much history to this story that I fear my hands would cramp in the typing. I'll try to do the readers digest condensced version... famous last words.
The other evening My husband and I were having a 'discussion' with my 17 year old when his mask fell. It wasn't just a peek of the real him either. It was a full blown unveiling of a person I have refused to see all these years. He's looking into my eyes, and trying to convince me that black is white. All of a sudden, it was like someone hit me in the head with the infamous clueby4. All the lies, all the tell tale signs, all the manipulations, all the big tears he could turn on and off on a whim. They all came flooding in, and I could see them for what they were. My blood ran cold. I couldn't cry, and I couldn't even speak.
It all started very young (ADHD and other 'minor' problems), but only recently escalated in the past 2 years. Drugs, in trouble with the law, and obsessive and unhealthy relationship with his girlfriend, treating his younger brother cruelly, expulsion from school. He is now court ordered into drug counseling, therapy, and a special school for troubled teens.
He's learning at a rapid rate. Learning the system, and how to manipulate it. I did something I probably shouldn't have, but in the long run it will save my butt. When his mask fell I decided to call his therapist. I TRIED to explain to her what my thoughts were on this. How ever, she is a very hippy lovechild type therapist that thinks all he needs is more love. She referred me to his psychologist... who informed me that he really didn't have time for evaluating him and he was basically there to dispense meds! I haven't heard back from his therapist about the supposed staffing she is going to schedule... It's been a week now.
Even before the mask fell I tried, in vain, to get his new teachers at this special school to understand that my son will manipulate them. But they are so used to the ones that scream and cuss them. That when my son came along he was like a breathe of fresh air. He's polite, and charming, and handsome. He is flattering and flirtatious. So not like the thugs they can't stand and are so tired of trying to teach. So they let him slide. He actually made a death threat to another child last week. This wasn't reported by the teacher that witnessed it. No, that teacher was telling another teacher about it, and THEY reported it. Now we are supposed to have zero tolerance in our County for this sort of thing. So I assumed his probation officer would violate him. NO! He let it SLIDE. Telling my son not to do it again. I'm dumbfounded. I'm amazed. I'm confused.
So now my next step is? I'm living with a time bomb. I'm COURT ORDERED to live with a time bomb till he's19. How can I possibly get these people to listen to me so I can keep the rest of my family safe? |
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Since I posted this story.. not long at all things have gone to hell FAST! He's violated probation, but because of the back up in the system the violation charges won't be seen to till some time next month. Getting in front of the judge is like trying to get an audience with deity.
My ASPD son has also since called child protective services on us after he threatened to kill me. He is court ordered to live with me. So even though he is currently at a runaway shelter for 2 weeks he will be sent right back here when the 2 weeks are up. We have tried talking to anyone and everyone that will listen, police, his PO, his therapist, but no help. The laws in my state (Florida) won't let me kick him out. Not while he's court ordered.
I'm scared for my life and my husband (disabled) and my younger son's. |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 9 of 22 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 7/04/2008 2:21 p.m. |
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Hi Kat,
wool eyes are children, never!!
Ive had this problem since my daughter was 4 & wanted her assessed for mental health problems after she killed a kitten due to problems running in the family maybe my eyes where open much sooner than most,
& yet at 12 although still young her problems are getting worse & worse, yet still when she tells them shes sorry & wont do it again they all believe her, although now i don't, & wont again,
I don't understand how they can make u live with him till hes 19 if he is putting you at risk, id go & see a lawyer about this & also complain about his probation officer
Harriet |
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Hi Kat, These kids eventually do themselves in and give themselves away. All they need is a little rope to (figuratively) hang themselves with. Your son is the type that will eventually really anger the teachers that he fooled. They think they have seen every kind of problem, but when THEY get fooled and then realize it, they get really irate at the kid. Just give them time. Get a hidden camera if you feel you are in danger. That was going to be my next step, until mine went to live with someone else. Also, it is a lot of work and eventually boring to the child to keep up this act. The cracks in his facade will begin showing. Good luck, and you are lucky he is being accountable to outside agencies now. |
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Hi there Kat Welcome to the family - alas - we do undertand your story Although no one can know exactly what you are feeling - or all the details of your experience We are in a club that no one would want to be in by choice Yet here we are I am in Aus where the systems vary yet again and my P was an adopted child. He was in a Children's Psychiactic Hosptial for a few months way be when he was around 7 - and this was in the 70s - and it didn't work at all - as far as I could see But when he grew past my height when he was 11 and my then-husband - who grew up in a family of women - his father came home from the war and went to bed for the rest of his life - gave up on thje boy - We have a biological daughter two years younger and my ex hasn't had a problem with her - but he stopped participating in helping me out with the boy and when he got taller and stronger he was made a Ward of the State Community Services couldn't keep their mitts of our life and it was a nightmare of trying to find accomodation until he went into Juvenile Detention, Man! - was I manipulated by everyone - the P, my then husband, my parents, the people where he was supposed to live and his probabtion officer - teachers - you name it - And I am pretty sure by now you are in the picture cause I could almost read your story in mine But the question is - what do you do about this? - it doesn't go away. I wish I could be more helpful - but alas - State Wardship didn't work out either. I will be thinking of you and I am interested in hearing how things work out Sparky |
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hi kat
You are coping with major trauma and probably have stress from years of coping with this child my heart goes out to you. For boys with this disorder it must be hell as they get so violent. My daughter was the other way very sneaky and tried to get me to think i was the mad one. No one believes you and it feels so lonely. I used to get real mad and after we had had one or two really serious arguments and I felt I was seriously going to lose control and do something I regretted I kicked her out age 16. Now I am the bad one because I did this but actually it is best thing I ever did. For her and me. |
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| | | Sent: 26/04/2008 9:25 p.m. |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 28/04/2008 5:12 p.m. |
HI K. I don't have the answer but in our page on obsessive thinking (at our P and NPD forums) I wrote... I had the opportunity of having a medical student stay with me for two weeks while she was doing an elective at one of the local hospitals. She did a rotation in Pediatric Psychiatry. She told me she had interviewed a 15 year-old patient who had tried to kill her own father. The patient was completely lacking in empathy, and actually thought there was nothing particularly wrong with what she had done. The patient was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. The mother of this very sick 15 year old wanted that girl returned to the home - YIKES - what a danger to the family. This patient was sick, violent and the family was very much in danger. I didn't add that part as it wasn't the focus of our page on obsessive thinking. So, your son has already made death threats. |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 28/04/2008 5:12 p.m. |
The link to the Obsessive Thinking page. |
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| | | From: Gabe | Sent: 30/04/2008 11:17 a.m. |
You may have been told that you have to avail him of your home and nurturing until he is 19 but " he may decide" that he doesn't want to live with you until he is 19. Be strong, your life can be refound. Make sure that valuables are locked up including the things that are of great sentimental value, my son loved to destroy these, make sure that you other children are never left at his mercy. I have found through experience that unless a behavior works they won't repeat it. As people who love them we excuse and tolerate too much. When they leave home and share with a friend or anybody else, their bad behaviour is NOT tolerated and there is a natural consequence.This tends to be a bit of a brick wall and seems to be the only thing that they learn by. He will move out and then life will mold his behaviour. Age and hormones will dictate this. Find a way to detach from your son, go and see a psychologist, you are a much better touchstone if you are unemotional. You are at the worst stage at the moment but it will change. His world will become bigger as he gets older and consequently you will not be such a big part of his. Good Luck! Hugs, Kisses and Understanding of what you are going through, love Gabe
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An up date for all of you wonderful folks that have helped me feel not so alone.
My son has since left the runaway shelter and ran from the cops 3 times in one night! *shakes head* He finally told the last police officer that if he had to come back to my house he would kill him self. So off to the local mental ward he went. He was discharged from there directly into a local adolescent drug rehab. He swore to the people in charge he wouldn't run from there if they sent him there. And just like I told them he would he ran not even week later. He also did some other things there that I told them he would do... and they said wouldn't happen. *sigh*
He is now on the run. HOWEVER, his probation officer FINALLY got it! He understands now, and issued a pick up order (juvenile warrant) for his arrest. When he is finally picked up he will go directly to Juvy to await his court date for his many violations. From there he will be sent to a lock down facility somewhere in our region (exact facility to be determined by judge).
During all of this he convinced someone else to call child protection services on me for the same incident as before. This story conflicted with the first one. That went in my favor. Both cases should be closed out and labeled "unfounded"!
So that is good news.
My son also, while on the run this time, snuck up to our house in the middle of the night with a friend and went though our outside laundry room. Looking for clothes I guess, and then stole his little brother's bike! We have taken to locking everything up. Something we haven't had to do in the area we live.
What hurts about all this is his adamant refusal to come home, and his continued stories of the abuse I have supposedly inflicted on him. He was loved, and as much as I try to understand all this, including his illness, I still find it hard to swallow. My head says one thing, and my heart another.
To top all this off, this whole thing has put a wedge between my husband and I. We are even talking about separation. Which I never thought in a million years could happen. I'm heart broken, and feel defeated.
But I want to thank you all for being here for me! Just knowing I have a place to come to let it all out is a HUGE help!
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| | | Sent: 5/05/2008 7:07 p.m. |
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Pandora721, you're all over this site and i'm new to this site so i thought i'd introduce myself. I'm 40 and I still want to be a rock star when i grow up. I just regestered my 2 youngest for kindergarten-twin boys. their sister is goin into 2nd gr and I have a 14 yr old son who is p/n. this boy is a site to behold-he's big (not chubby),copper hair, chocolate brown eyes, (as usual aren't they all) he is hillious when he wants to be. sometimes i can't help myself, i have to laugh. he sings (3 yrs of choir) and plays guitar and draws beautiful sketches. he's also been arrested for hitting, pushing, throwing furniture at, biting and clawing my husband and my self. has been in so many hospitals that we're still not caught up and now when he's on a tyrade he says 'send me away, it'll just be more of your money' .other times its the i'm so sad you just wont have to worry about me anymore(gggrrrrr usually just before bed so i'm afraid to go to sleep. am weening him of meds-he's the same either way-but there are times when i'll give him his full or close to full dose of seroquel so it will knock him out for the night so i don't have to worry about him hurting himself.the more i learn the more i think he's playing me w/ that fear). last week at school a boy said my son was going to eat his boogers(if only this could be funny) after class my son picked him up and through him against the wall and into a trash can so he was at home w/me for 2 1/2 days and this mon he starts an alt school for a week. this is the first he's hurt someone outside our family-wonder whats comin'. he was in juv correct for a couple of weeks for hurting us already.God help us all. this the pause in my novel for now -thanks belrose777 |
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| | | Sent: 12/05/2008 8:15 a.m. |
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UPDATE UPDATE
So much more has happened, and looking at the time stamp of the last post it's only been a month!
Last I posted my son was on the run with a warrant out for him. He has since been picked up, spent some time in juvenile detention waiting for his sentencing hearing. The judge (smart judge) realized there was so much more to his case then just the official file so he ordered a deposition(?). Basically this is giving the judge all the behind the scenes activity including therapists opinion, and an unbiased psychoanalysis. The Psychologist basically confirmed that if he isn't already A.S.P.D. that he is well on his way.
The three Child Protective cases have been closed and UNFOUNDED. I am not a child abuser! WOO HOO!
Everyone at the deposition agreed that my son, for his own safety (when he was picked up he was a cadaver at 5'8" and 120lbs! 20lbs dropped in a month from serious drug use) , should be placed in a long term program. One that he has to earn his way out of. OK let's see how THAT works.
When we got to the deposition meeting, my son was "showing his arse". He had to be thrown up against the way and restrained. He was placed in solitary confinement for the remainder of the meeting. He threatened my life, my husbands, and his 7 year old brother's life in front of guards! That is so unlike him! He's always shown that side in private. So now I have proof for what good it does me now.
So the judge agreed to place him in this program. Minimum release will be when he turns 18. That's IF he works the program, and plays by the rules. If not he could be there till he's 21. This particular program is a moderate risk facility (ie, razor wire and 12 foot fencing around compound), and is primarily a drug abuse program with some attention to psychological problems. To be honest I didn't think this was the right program for him since the drug abuse is a symptom not the primary problem.
However, the problem is that if we didn't get him in a program in X amount of days he would be sent home WITH ME! to await an opening to another facility. We would have been right back where we started from. Either scared to sleep at night, or him taking off again. So I know he's safe and well taken care of. I know the program If he' works it the RIGHT way, not the manipulate anyone I can way, he might get a GED and learn a trade.
Now here we go again though. None of this behind the scenes background is in his file. So I'm starting at square one with these people. Trying to warn them of the manipulation. And of course they act so very condescending , and get sucked in by his charm just the same. Already he has his case manager snowed. No matter how many times I see it happen it still amazes me that the so called professionals can be taken in so quickly and with out much effort on his part.
It doesn't help that live an hour and a half away, and have to do most of these meetings by phone. I can not afford the gas to and from.
I'm tired.
I mourn all my hopes and dreams I had for him. I still mourn the son I had. The friend he was. I miss his smile, and jokes. I miss his big blue eyes, and I miss him still calling me mamma when he wanted something. |
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