The concept of duality is food for our growth throughout our lives. It sets up that ambiguity which is so difficult to tolerate, but which is a necessary part of maturity. How can we be both good and bad at the same time? How can we be both conscious and unconscious of our behavior and thoughts? How can we love and hate seemingly simultaneously? Most often we take the easy way out of this dilemma and choose one side of the duality. Then we deny or reject the other side, pretending it doesn't exist in ourselves and often projecting it onto others.

This is not a healthy way to handle our duality. Even though it may seem healthier to focus only on our strong, generous, peaceful, accepting side, we can never truly love and develop strong, integrated selves unless and until we look at ourselves fully. That means we need to get to know our "shadow" side as well as our "light" side.

Our shadow side is that part of ourselves that we deny or neglect, that which we reject or repress in order to maintain a more idealized image of ourselves. It is our darker side, or perhaps our blind side. But it is also rich with saving grace.

We need to honor the shadow side of ourselves rather than reject it or banish it from our awareness. It is our primary teacher of compassion and acceptance. We must acknowledge it and integrate it as a part of ourselves if we want to truly grow.

As we awaken to our wholeness, we realize more and more that our shadows are worthy of our awareness. Selfishness, for example, is a shadow portion of many of us. We want to see ourselves as generous and noble, while aching to have more for ourselves. When we honestly look at our shadow of selfishness, we can see that at times it leads us to hold our time and energy, so that we may be truly loving and wise toward ourselves.

Although this part exists within us as a shadow of "selfishness," when we acknowledge it, we no longer need to expend the energy it takes to keep it hidden. We can integrate it into our model of ourselves. Most importantly, however, when we hold it up to the light and examine it, it may dissolve into nothing or transform into something less base, called "loving and caring for ourselves."

One poet wrote about his shadow parts. He called them "howlers."

"Howlers, yes," he said aloud,
"howlers, yes, they are;
that is just exactly why
I keep them in a jar."
"When they're in a jar like this,
lid down nice and tight,
no one has to hear them howl;
gives you such a fright."
"This way I can live my life,
free from stress and fear,
this way I can have some peace,
this way I can hear
music, whispers, other things
that just couldn't be
if I let the howlers out
to scream and screech at me."

A primary part of our growth process is to become aware of our shadow side, and integrate it into ourselves. One way to develop awareness of our shadows is to ask for the help of the people closest to us. But just in case we are not ready to handle that, we can always look at the ways we defend ourselves for clues to our disowned shadows. Sigmund Freud gave us a list of eight major defense mechanisms, some of which have worked their way into our everyday language. He called them repression (denial), rationalization, projection, displacement, reaction formation, compensation, sublimation, and identification.

Other, more recent psychologists have added to the list such defenses as busyness, sarcasm, codependency, and numbing out with food/TV/computers/exercise/food/etc. However we identify them, it is worth our effort to seek them out and deal with them. They can lead to depression, irrational outbursts of anger and/or violence, and physical illness. They are also stumbling blocks to our growth.

What happens when we shine a flashlight in the dark corners of ourselves and really look at our shadows? Like scary shapes in children's dark bedrooms they usually disappear, or shrink, or transform into something familiar with positive aspects. Each one we illuminate and integrate into ourselves allows us to move closer to wholeness, to clarify ourselves, to listen to the wisdom of our deeper self's still, small voice.

For an exercise, allow yourself to become aware of a part of you that you would prefer not to know. If nothing comes to mind immediately, try keeping a journal for a few days. For example, allow yourself to realize that you invest lots of energy into trying to control others. Allow yourself to own your controlling behavior. Accept responsibility for it.

Be aware that shadows often have reverse sides that are noble. The noble side of "controlling" may be "helping." Examine the controlling part of you, and listen to your deeper self as you learn the difference between behavior that is "controlling" and that which is "helping." Pledge to diligently watch for situations in which your desire to control comes to the surface. When such situations arise, listen to your deeper self for guidance in releasing the desire to control, and expressing that part of what you call control which is really help.

Trying to grow spiritually while not dealing with our shadow side is like trying to walk through a dark room filled with objects—chances are we will become very frustrated, and repeatedly trip and fall. If we turn on the light and look at what the room contains, we can order it so that our path is smoother and less perilous. We can grow more directly into the light.

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 Arasini Foundation