Odd People

Recently, the Environment Protection Agency identified animal flatuses as being a significant source of pollutants: approximately 18% of the global warming gases worldwide, including a staggering 37% of methane emissions and an enormous amount of nitrous oxide and carbon dioxide emissions.. After all, there are 1.5 billion cattle and 1.7 billion sheep worldwide to generate all of these scents! That governmental agency, like other government agencies tend to do, saw this as a main chance to levy another tax, using the provisions of the Clean Air Act.

So, we may someday see the taxation of cow farts. Yes, this will take care of those global warming gases. we’ll tax ‘em, and I’m sure the government will spend the money wisely afterwards, as it always does.

But, isn’t this short-sighted? After all, about 70% of the world’s surface is grazing land, and most of this is not yet in places taxable by the EPA. So, this tax will have a limited effect on the total global warming gas emissions unless we also incorporate a series of military adventures to spread the Tax Love around.

There’s another problem: whenever a government derives large amounts of tax money from any source, including from taxing substances which are not healthy for us, the government (in a sense) acquires a vested interest in maintaining that activity or product and thus keeping up the revenue stream. Take cigarette smoking and alcohol beverage drinking: these are significant sources of revenue for both federal and state governmental entities. If the smokers or the boozers were abruptly to smoke less or drink less due to costly taxation, then government would have to get its revenue elsewhere! That can be a serious concern for some people whose bacon might be now fried. And, specifically, our government would have a vested interest in the maintenance of cow fart emissions! I can envision the federal government some day encouraging the development of Crude Cows, those that emit even more cow farts than usual, all the better to tax them more heavily.

There is another concern we should take into account. This proposed tax stereotypes all Bovine Americans as coarse, unmannerly animals. But what about the well-bred cows of America? I can imagine the bovine members of the Junior League thinking the very possibility of a their passing a flatus with utter horror, certain to banish the her from beyond the pale of polite society and being disowned by her family! No, I think we should categorically exclude all Montana cows, which are quite polite and well-bred.

Therefore, I propose that these global warming gases from two alternative sources be taxes in lieu of cows: from teenaged boys, and from politicians! I’m sure that once those sources are curbed, then the global warming problem will be solved!

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