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| | From:  stilweeding (Original Message) | Sent: 6/08/2006 9:20 p.m. |
Hi Long story short: our teenaged son moved out a few months ago to be with his girlfriend in another town (against our wishes, but we were advised to be supportive). Consequently, he's really been able to fly under the radar and I am now seeing the extent of his manipulativeness. Girls have always been drawn to him like moths to a flame and it appears he takes full advantage of this. I just found out one of them has been sending him large sums of money (he told her a story about being injured and unable to work--not true). I was able to identify the girl (eventually) and contact her. I had a long conversation with her and gently told the truth about his behaviour. She was heartbroken and devastated and I felt for her and tried to be supportive. She thanked me for contacting her and I tried to reassure her that it was best that she found out now, rather than later.. What is my next step? We are hoping we can still turn our son around and have been advised by expersts not to alienate him if possible. How do we address with him what we know? Is there still hope that we can convince him to be accountable for his actions? We've also just discovered (his girlfriend let it slip) that he is moving on and is not planning to tell us where he is going. What do we do from here? |
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Hi, and welcome, I'm afraid I have to second pretty much everything that Kazza has said. Sorry, my heart goes out to you. My P son is undiagnosed, thanks to the professionals...who were utterly charmed by him. He's only moved out a few months ago. His exploitive behavior has escalated since, in part because he no longer has free room and board from us....and the way he fills his needs is through exploitive manipulation . Be careful about the shows of empathy. Ps are very good actors. You can't possibly protect every girl he will encounter from his manipulations, much as you might want to. I've come to the heart breaking conclusion that it isn't healthy for me to run itervention with others in his life. That has to be your priority , above all else...your own well being. And it is very likely that attempts to enlighten others in his life will alienate and anger your son. I am currently struggling to maintain a realtionship with my son. I have firm boundaries, and very low expectations. I can't advise you on your next step. You will find more support at the general message board. best wishes, paradox |
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Thank-you. Both of you make perfect sense. I just wish others could see through "the charm". Of course, I still am won over by it from time to time. One good thing that has come from his moving away is that he can no longer manipulate us to the same degree (much harder to badger from a distance and he has to be civil and friendly or the conversation ends). I think it is much easier to assess his behaviour when we're not living in the middle of it. We are better able to set boundaries and contigencies and life is much less stressful for us and our other children. I just hope he does find some route to his own success and doesn't take down too many others on his way. |
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Hi stilweeding and welcome to the group.
I'm afraid I too have to agree with what Kazaa wrote. My P/N is of the female gender, my daughter...I have no relationship with my daughter and am not interested in one. It saddens me to say that any relationship with her is not worth the pain it brings with it.... there comes a time when love just isn't enough, and I had to walk away.
I really don't know what to say about your situation, except advise you to do what is in the best interest of you and your family when it comes to your son's behavior.
Sorry I couldn't be more help...but I'm a firm believer in No Contact, it's the only way to maintain your sanity and peace in your life.
Dancer |
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Hi........my P is a daughter.and we were unaware of her devastating habits until very recently.and that was only after she moved out of the family home aged 19..........and things have gone from bad to worse ever since. She has always been a diffcult kid......but it hit us like a brick when the awful realisation finally kicked in with us. you don't say how old your son is.......P here is the expert at maniupulation and lying.and also stealing but so far she hasn't ended up in jail but I feel that is next on the cards for her....only a matter of time before she steals from someone outside her family....for the most part, we were unaware of the extent of the stealing lying and manipulation.......but now we all see it plain as day.and its horrible. |
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Thanks, Dancer I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and that things are as bad as they are. I'm still hopeful, as you've probably gathered, but I can see myself getting to the point of no contact with my son as well. Even on his good days, he is completely draining. I feel my tolerance to the stress he brings decreases the longer he is away. I need to recouperate after his visits. Take care and thanks. |
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Thanks for your message Your daughter sounds a lot like my son (17). The circumstances seem almost identical--bad behaviour escalating now that he is no longer under our roof, lying toand stealing from family members for years. I wish he were a bit older--he still hasn't finished school. He studies in alternative programs because he's never been able to function in a normal classroom even though he's extremely bright. Sadly, the school system has often done him more harm than good--blame attributed to him even when he was innocent; unscrupulous students using him as the scapegoat for their own illegal activities (true and documented, I'm afraid). This has only served to make him even more contemptuous of any authority and has honed his skills at flying under the radar. It be wonderful to think there was a message or two of hope out there. But then I guess it stands to reason that this forum exists because people are still struggling with, or have been forced to give up hope for, their children. Thanks again for your support. |
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Hi. I think the hardest thing we have to come to terms with..and its not all about the bad stuff they do..its the fact that they are people in their own right and will go their own way.....no matter what.......but with disordered kids, there doesn't seem to be a future..........not for them.and so not for us as parents either. I can't accept my daughter's behaviour.and because I am her parent, I have felt responsible for her, tried to help her and wanted her to be happy and succeed........she can't have any of this cos of her own behaviour. Everybody here tried to help and support her....yet every year, her behaviour and actions become worse and more damaging to all around her. we do have periods with her when we think.great, we turned a corner.but these times are very short lived and as soon as they are over we end up worse than the last drama we had with her.and she loves every minute of outwitting and manilpulating us all..and of course, every drama costs me more and more energy and definitely more money..and everytime I post on here, I think.....what am I doing even thinking that thsi will turn out right in the end?...cos I know it won't. |
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I know how that feels Genie... when my daughter moved out three years ago and eight months later came back home I thought she had surely matured and turned a corner.
I spent thousands sending her to college, moved heaven and earth for her to persue her dream and where did it get me? Not even two years after she came back home she had me arrested and thrown in jail. Once again it cost me thousands for legal fees to prove that I hadn't done what she told the police I'd done and the charges thrown out of court.
Peace bonds are in place, yet she still can't let things lie the way they are, as her actions four days after my wedding she tried once again to get me in trouble with the law by reporting that I broke the peace bond. It wouldn't surprise me if she were to go out of her way to run me over the next time she sees me in town...
In the past six months she has gotten so much worse... I can only hope that she tires of this town and moves away with her ATM with a penis boyfriend.
Dancer |
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Stillweeding, You're under no obligation to abandon hope completely....just don't put all your emotional energy into trying to make him something he's not. Concentrate more on the ' what IS' than the' what IFs'. It is possible to come to a place of peace and acceptance, rather than resignation. NO ONE can predict the future. I love my son deeply...just don't act on those feelings... for my own self preservation. I can look at my son now and see him for what he is, and it doesn't tear me up inside. He's just a mixed up human being, not the devil himself. He has a disorder, which tends to manifest itself in malevolent ways. And I cannot allow myself to forget that. Doesn't mean I have to cut him out of my life. I'm not saying NC won't be what's best for you, just that it's not a given for everyone. paradox |
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Thanks, everyone. I'm still mulling over my next move. I understand and agree with what you said, Paradox, and I am pretty much of the same mind. My son has been disordered all his life. He was adopted. I used to think that that should have nothing to do with anything, but of course that is naive. It takes a great deal of maturity and a healthy sense of self-worth for an adoptee to accept and come to terms with the reality of his or her beginnings and he's just not there yet. I can accept that I never can trust anything he says. I can also accept that I never can have money in my purse or in the house. I also know that when he has stolen from me, the only response is to confront and never back down. I've learned all those strategies. My concern now is the escalation of the bad behaiour--we're not talking about the odd $20 anymore. And of course paramount of all my concerns is my desire as a mother that he find some way to be successful in a civilized society--and be safe.. At the moment my son has gone underground. I have no idea where he is or how to contact him. I'll check out the general forum when I have a moment. I came to this forum specifically to address this situation as a parenting issue. Thanks again, all of you. |
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Hi stilweeding, my P son is 16. He dropped out of school about 18 months ago. Natually I got all the blame for this. He has lied and stole from every family member, even after I threw him out. I struggled to understand what went wrong and why. But gradually I realised that he had been doing many things that I had been totally unaware of for a long time. I was horrified and devastated that he could do this but also that he had deceived me for a long long time. Most people can not see through him and think he is troubled or that I am lying. He can fool and charm anyone. He is always the victim in whatever trouble he has got himself into--I dont know how he does it. Social workers think he is the angel and me the devil!!! Little do they know. He will say anything to anyone to make him appear a victim and they all fall for it. I have no idea where he is or how he is but past experience tells me that he is surviving in his own sinister world. It used to kill me not knowing how he was but gradually I accepted that he did not lie awake at night and think about me and wonder how I was or regret all the trouble he had caused as he sees no wrong in what he does or doesnt care. In his world there is only him, he thinks of no-one else or never considers consequences for his actions. The last I heard he was on the run. Its difficult to advise anyone what to do but I can only tell you my experiences and hope it helps you. Life is easier now in some ways and more "normal" but the hurt and pain remain and I try to block it out any way I can. This site is great as people here understand what you feel as they have been there too. They stop you from feeling alone and isolated and from "going mad". I hope you find some answers and some peace. Take care. zin |
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Hi Zin, Thank you for your message of support. I'm glad to have found this message board. One of the hardest things about raising a child like this is the lack of support and understanding from friends and family with "normal" children. They haven't a clue about what we go through on a daily basis, yet are quick to pass judgement and murmur amongst themselves about our parenting skills. It's good to talk to people who know precisely what I'm going through and need no further explanation. Have a good day. |
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Stillweeding - Thats' the truth - this is the one place to go where you don't have to get anybody caught up or clued in. Even if you tell friends and loved one's about the disorder, they aren't as likely to really get it as someone who's wearing your shoes. ( Ifeel like we have the same kid : ( I introduced my son to a good friend of mine last week, who've I've told about the disorder. Her comment was," Oh , he's so cute and charming." Well, yeah, he is..... While my own son is my biological child, my understanding is that there may be a higher incidence of disorders among adoptees. P's generally don't make good parents - their kids may be more likely to be adopted. My son has embezzled thousands out of banks, car dealerships, 'friends'...I understand how much you'd like to be able to stop that behavior. Glad you've popped over to the main message board, where everyone can 'meet' you : ) |
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Hi stilweeding, completely agree about family and friends not having a clue and I've found it's impossible to make them see what is in front of them.It's just not "normal" to have a child with no feelings or conscience so it must be the parents fault!!!!! They are so narrow minded and judgemental. It makes me so angry at times but then I think my anger is wasted on them and one day they will learn the truth no matter how long it takes----well I would like to think so. zin |
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