I add my energies to the others here.....may your saddness be lifted......or at least be accepted and move forward.....M~

As they all said, you are not alone!!!!

 Sending lots of possitive energy to you. Know that you have many freinds to help. CarefreeFlashy

Hey Jody...I just logged on after a few days away, and read this.  I know that Christmas time is extra sad for so many people and it's such a shame.  I know there are alot here who are sad.  I feel it to.  I, for one, and at the absolute saddest point in my entire life. Alone sums it up.  No one to talk to.  No friends in my town, a man who doesn't give a flying fuck about me,  and depression is taking over my being.  I don't know how long I can hold out.  I stare at this bottle of Xanax soemtimes and think about starting over.  I know it sounds pitiful and ridiculous, and I can't ever do it because of my amazing love for the souls God has entrusted to me on this earth.  But I'm such a mess.  If something were to happen to them, I would not think twice.  It's only getting worse.  I am spiralling out of control.  I've never felt this way in my life, where I am actually, honestly wondering if it would be better here without me.  My karma is AWFUL!  My soul aches, and I feel like even I have left ME!  I am an empty shell and I can't hide it anymore.  I have become someone I can't even look at in the mirror. 

 

Sorry for the pity party, but I read this thread and was immediately brought to tears.  Had to respond.  I know I am not the only one.  I feel it too.  Love you guys.

 

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

I'm sorry you're going through all this turmoil in your life right now, and especailly now when the season is supposed to be filled with joy and brotherly love.  Many of us have traveled the road you're on right now, so we know first hand what you're dealing with.  Giving up is not the answer, although it is very tempting at times.  Butterflymom is right, "This too shall pass."  although right now it seems like it never will.  Trust me, if you just hold on, it will pass.  I have already sent prayers to our Father to help you lift yourself out of this hole of depression that has you consumed, and will continue to pray for you.  This is part of our life experience here on earth, and it's for a purpose.  How can we really know what good is if we haven't experienced the bad?  How can we appreciate up if we've never been down?  Again, my prayers are with you dear one, and The Divine within Me Honors the Divine within You. . . . . . . . Paul

Kelly I am sorry to hear that you are so unhappy........it may help you to remember that happiness is not external.......is does not come from your surroundings......it lies deep within you....in fact it is our true nature.....you, Kelly, are the only one that can make yourself happy.....when you depend on others to bring you happiness, that is when you become disappointed if they do not meet your expectations.....as I read your post......I feel you are only looking at what you don't have.......maybe you could begin looking at what you do have in your life......gratitude is known to open the doors for more.......I truly hope you can understand what I am trying to say here Kelly, because if you do, you will never forget it....and you will never again feel the way you do at this time......I know this from experience........take time to meditate.......to pray.....at those time you are able to shut out the external and concentrate on the internal....and that my friend is where you will find your happiness...M~

(((((((((Kelly))))))))))

   Good morning honey

I am going to tell you something, that I probably should have awhile ago.

  Kell, over the past few month's I have seen a change in you.  I've watched the Kelly badass, that first came to S.K. (what? you know it's true ;) slowly be replaced by a softer, gentler, Kelly. Slowly at first, like a child taking their first steps. I watched you open your heart, then your soul. I've watched you emerge Kell, a beautiful butterfly, that has so much to share and give to this world.

  Oh no, don't you stop now, and please take another look in that mirror, and try to see who I see.

  You are loved and appreciated sister/friend. Not only by us here, but those boy's. Oh how they adore you, and value you, for you. They may not always show it, but you are their world.

  I am giving you the biggest hug right now, and thanking you for being in my world.

  I am blessed

Now give yourself a hug...go on, right now.

  YOU are love, and you are loved

Always by your side

   -J

 

 

Well...all I can say is WOW.  I just logged on this morning and see all these words of encouragement, and it's awesome.  I wish I had people in my "real life" who were like-minded as you all are on here.  It would really make my life so much more fulfilling.  SK is truly a place where I know I can go where there are wise and caring people, and I really do thank you all. 

 

Last night when I logged on and saw the post about being sad, I just thought it seemed like someone was feeling what I was feeling....like you could see right into my heart.  And although I know this post was not soley for me because there are so many sad, sad souls out there right now  (I am an empath.  I feel it EVERYWHERE I go.) I am gratefull for the concern.

 

Jody...you crack me up.  LOL.  I do know what you mean.  It's funny...I've been on SK for quite a while, and it seems like about the time that I got here was when I started to change into the "badass."  I was not like this before you all met me.  I was very grounded, very spiritual, and I liked who I was inside.  I joined this group because I could feel myself slipping away.  I know I was mean at times when I posted.  For a long time I have felt like when a parent says "Do as I say, and not as I do."  because I have always known what was right, and when I was being wrong...and was really good at teaching right to others, but just couldn't seem to practice what I was preaching.  Now, I am to a point where I feel broken.  Just broken.  Like I know what I should be doing...I just don't care enough to make the effort.  My new years resolution (in theory) is to get me back.  I've been trying to try...if that makes sense.  Some days I feel better, but some are not good at all.  I try not to post on those bad days...but I do read.

 

And yes...my sons do love me.  They are the one constant in my life.  For those who don't know, I have five boys ranging in age from 20 all the way down to 1.  (Yeah, I'm nuts...lol)  I wouldn't trade a single one of them.  My oldest son called me up the other night and "had a talk" with me, and it really put alot into perspective for me.  I can't type much about it or I will start crying again....but in short, he said that he had never seen his mother ever be happy.  He said that he's seen me abused, heartbroken, and miserable with myself his whole life, and that alot of that sadness has been projected onto him (made me feel like shit) and that he has a hard time with depression.  And just when I thought he was blaming me for this, he said "and I know it's all my (meaning his) fault."  I found out that he blames himself for my misery because I had him when I was only 16 years old and that he "ruined my life."  I told him that he had probably saved my life at the time, and that he was NEVER a mistake!  And that not for one minute have I ever had anything but love and gratitude for his life!!!  He made me realize though, that I have to get my head out of my ass for the other boys...so they don't feel sad when they grow up. 

 

If anyone could keep Brandon in their thoughts and prayers I would so appreciate it.  He's such an awesome person and he's feeling so bad right now too.  His life is hard.  Had to drop out of school because we just couldn't afford to keep him there, and such.  I want him to be happy.  So any love sent his way would be appreciated.  Really do love you all.  Thanks for everything.

 

Kelly

Kelly, I'll keep both you and Brandon in my prayers, count on it.  Sounds like you finally realize that you are much loved by a lot of folks you've never even met.  Count on that too, that's what this group is all about, care and concern for one another.

 . . . . . . Paul 

Kelly, I have been thinkin about ya all day......sending healing to your broken heart.......I came to ask if you had talked to your man about those feelings you have?...maybe what you feel he feels isn't really how it is......and well if it is?......then you have a decision to make.....but Kelly, I don't want to focus on that right now......I am really concerned.....about you and your son....if he has never seen you happy in his life?.......really......Kelly......this is not a good thing.......and if he is blaming himself......really not a good thing......I know I am not telling you something you don't know......but Kelly, please get some counseling......for all of you......because your other children need to be included in this as these feelings are being shared.....even if you don't mean to.....I really cannot impress upon you how important I feel that it is that you guys talk to someone....soon!........like yesterday......please!.....if you can't find someone to talk to......I will help you.....I will call around til we can find someone that will listen to whats going on....k?......if you want to write to me. [email protected] I will do what I can to help you through this....my love to you and your family...M~

Mara...My boyfriend (lived together for 13 years) is not supportive whatsoever.  When I met him, I was so much different than I am now.  And I am NOT in any way blaming him for my sadness,  but my soul told me at the time to be careful because he's so negative.  There are issues with him that I can't even begin to explain here...too much typing.  But since I met him it's all been down hill.  We are now at each other's throats.  In fact, right now I am just trying to keep it together for Christmas so that they boys don't lose their dad during the holiday.  We've both worked so hard to give them a good Christmas and I don't want to spoil it.  I just want to take my babies and run away...far, far away.  After the first of the year, I am going to see what kind of help I can get to get out and make it on my own...something I have never done.  At 38 years old I have NEVER been alone. I went straight from my abusive father, to an abusive husband, and the next, and now the one I am with now who in 13 years has never laid a hand on me until three days ago.  It was bad.  I am sure it's time to go.

 

I feel just awful that Brandon feels bad because of me.  It makes me feel so worthless as a mom.  He's such a good kid and he's tried so hard, and I see everything the poor guy tries just be in vain...and it's killing him.  I see me at his age.  He didn't talk to me all summer...even though we have always been SO close!  The best of friends!  He just stopped talking to me and said he needed some time to think.  Last week he called me out of the blue and we talked for hours.  He said he was so sorry and so wrong for hurting me all summer so badly.  (I was crushed..and didn't understand)  He said my karma is so bad...and I need to heal my karma.  He said he was worried that I was going to die and be lost...which is my worst fear.  He was giving me advice like a parent would and I cried so hard.  He said he just couldn't face me this summer because he was so angry with me.  I said "Why would you be angry with me?  What did I do to you?"  His reply was,  "Mom...I AM you, and it is scaring the hell out of me!!!!"  He cried and cried and I just wanted to die.  He said it was all his fault for my life being miserable.  I can't even tell you how broken that made me feel.  It's crazy that I never knew how my sorrow was affecting him.  I told him he was a sweet beautiful baby, and that my sadness has nothing to do with him.  I told him that it was a genetic flaw...and that I am trying to get help.  The other kids seem so well adjusted.  They just don't seem to have my sadness at all...but they are still young, so I don't know.  My eight year old has my fears and that is bad.  I just feel so guilty now for doing this to my children.  I NEVER thought I was hurting them.  I am the most devoted and loving mother I know...HONESTLY!  Even when I am miserable, I thought they didn't see it.  I guess I am not as good at hiding it as I thought. 

 

You are right.  I do need to get some help.  I have made my promise to myself to not let 2009 SUCK like the past years.  I am hoping this to me my year of transformation.  I have been to therapy before and it was more than a joke!  (IF I told you, you wouldn't believe it.)  I am going to call around and see what I can find.  I want my babies to remember me as a happy person.  I don't want to be laying in my casket and have everyone thinking, "Poor girl...she was always so miserable."  You know??  Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and to think about me.  I am a very, very good person on the inside....that person is just buried under so much crap!  I feel like I will never be able to find myself.  Very scary thought. 

 

Thanks for your help, Mara.  I am sorry I didn't send this to your email.  I can't get it to copy and paste instead of sending it here, now that I have already typed all of this.  I'm too tired to type it again.  But if you want to talk ever...I am [email protected] and the same ID on messenger.  Thanks again.

 

Love,  Kelly

((((Kelly)))).....sorry, haven't been able to post the last few times I have been here....been able to read tho....and did read that you had a great Christmas for your kids....I am so happy to hear that...just really been thinking about ya the last couple days......soon the holidays will be over and you will have alot of decisions to make.....not going to lecture you....but just going to say, there will always be reasons to hold off making changes....but when one of those reasons (excuses) come up....I want you to look in your childrens eyes....look at how much they love you......look at all they do to please you.......how they respect you.....and how they truly just want you to be happy......those reasons won't seem so important anymore....girl, you have your whole life ahead of you....I know you are a super mom..but also know and don't take this wrong....but not the best mom that you can be.......yes, the best mom under these circumstance....but I know you know that your life is worth so much more......I hope that you will soon feel worthy of that life.....I am not much of a drinker....but hey....here's to you and the new year ahead....much love to you and the kids...hugs! M~