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My self-control took a sabatical last week as I sat in a classroom being taught everything inaginable about flow and the instruments that measure it. This is challenging for me simply because with my experience level and knowledge level 99% of this stuff is review and the 1% of new information is spread out and hard to wait for. Boring! Nothing to do! Heads were nodding throughout the classroom and we fought to stay awake - and then - it was revealed to us all that there were two (count 'em TWO) regrigerators full of caffinated beverages and right there smack-dab in the middle was an endless supply of Mountain Dew. Oh S#!%!!! I crumbled. I didn't fall off the wagon, I power dove. The entire time I was telling myself this is poison! This stuff will kill you! Where's your will power? It snowballed. Baskets of snacks, candy bars, chips, sugar sugar sugar. Might as well have handed me a gun and pointed it at my damned-fool head. I ended up averaging 5+ cans of Dew every day with more soda-pop for the dinners at the resturants. I couldn't stop! I could not stop! I feel like poop. I feel poisoned. All of my body aches from the endless sitting, cramped airplane seats, rotten diet choices, a horrible bed seemingly made of moosh and my damnedable screaming knees. My hands and fingers throbbed and the headache started last Sunday night and is still with me now. I am tipping the scales dangerously close to four bills and I'm miserable. My mental state is in an uproar from WAAAAAAYYYYY too much caffine, sugar, chemicles, preservatives, etc.. and I have fallen behind the pain curve. What I truly do not get is why someone as intelligent, educated and smart as I can be so mind-numbingly stupid about food and eating so poorly. If I were counsiling someone else I would jump down their throat and let them know how dangerous this behavior is! I have no-one else to blame but me! I did this! I made these damn-fool choices! I am on a collision course with the grim reaper with all manner of alarms, claxtons, flashing lights, signs, warnings and plain old fashioned truth telling me as much and yet for some reason I hit the gas and shovel more down my gaping maw! What a fool! What an idiot! Is this self hate? Suicide in slow motion? Some perverted thought process designed to subvert myself? I can barely fit in an airplane seat! I don't fit the the lav on the plane! I had to struggle to "bio-break"! This is insane! The looks of horrific anticipation in peoples' eyes as I board the plane. People think "Oh dear God, don't let him sit next to me". I sipll over into the seat next to me. Crowding the other passengers. The food cart hits my arms as the flight attendants go by. My efforts to "contain" my bulk to just my seat result in agony! My shirts are a 5X! 5X!! The "psheww" with the "Let me see if we have anything that large" is humilating. Little children in resturants point at me and say "Look how big that man is momma".. There is no way I can use the food tray on the airline seats. When I check in to my hotel rooms I'm out of breath from carrying my suitcase in. This is madness! This is painful! I look in the mirror and I am repulsed by what I see. How does a body get this big? I walk across industrial scales and people crane their necks to see what the display says; and then they gasp and whisper to each other as they point in amazment. That hurts. It cuts deep. "Hey big guy", "What's up tiny?", the stares. The looks. "Aww c-mon, It was just a joke.." It is infuriating! God help me, I do hate myself. Fat man. Hell, if I died they'd need a fork truck to haul my big butt to the grave. I'm in big trouble! Life ending kind of trouble! I am careening out of control in a deadly downward spiral and I'm picking up speed. I'm none too wise to reveal all of this here. I leave myself wide open. I just don't know where else to turn. I just want it to end. Throw me a rope. |
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| | From:  Thundur | Sent: 10/21/2008 6:41 AM |
ADAM YOU REMIND ME OF THE GUY SITTING ON A ROOF TOP DURING A FLOOD ... EXPECTING THE LORD WOULD PROTECT HIM. HE REFUSED ESCAPE VIA ROW BOAT , POWER BOAT AND A HELICOPTER. WHEN THE FLOOD TOOK HIM HE CHASTIZED GOD FOR NOT SAVING HIM ... TO WHICH GOD REPLIED ... I DID SEND 2 BOATS AND A HELICOPTER! THAT MAY SEEM HARSH, BUT YOU SEEM IN NEED OF WEE BIT OF TOUGH LOVE . I ALREADY THREW YOU A ROPE, (NOT THE HANGING KIND EITHER). I EXPLAINED HOW BARITRIC SURGERY SAVED ME , GOT RID OF MY WALKER AND GAVE ME BACK SELF ESTEEM. I KNOW ITS A BIG DECISION AND MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO GET YOUR HEAD AROUND. BUT ... IT TRULY IS TIME YOU STARTED THINKING OF LIFE SAVING OPTIONS. ADAM YOU ARE A WELL INFORMED MAN AND A PROLIFIC WRITER. WHENEVER I COME TO CHRONIC PAIN I SEEK YOUR POSTS BECAUSE THEY ARE USUALLY BRIGHT, FUNNY OR FULL OF ADVICE. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I FIND YOU SEEMINGLY AT WITS END ... IT JUST DOESN'T COMPUTE. MAYBE BARIATRIC SURGERY ISNT FOR YOU BUT THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS. PERSONALLY, I THINK ITS YOUR VERY BEST OPTION. ESPECIALLY IF DONE LAPROSCOPICALLY, YOU WILL BE BACK AT YOUR BELOVED WORK IN NO TIME AT ALL . GIVE IT SOME DESERVED CONSIDERATION ADAM ... THE NEW YOU BOTHERED ME AND I KNOW IT'S BOTHERING YOU!' GOOD LUCK, I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR ANSWER MOST SINCERELY THUNDUR |
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| | | From: Mr Man | Sent: 10/21/2008 8:23 PM |
I,being a person of girth myself, know the struggle with appetite. I know that once you take the first sip or bite,there's no going back. You say what the hell,despising yourself for every bite. But, and this is important,you simply start over,you can't beat yourself up. I mean,it will not get you anywhere you want to go if you continue to berate yourself. Yesterday is gone,Today is the important. Get back on the saddle My Chronic Pain Friend I wish you well.- Lorne |
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| | | From: Dan | Sent: 10/22/2008 12:18 AM |
I don't know what to tell you. I count callories and eat less than 2000 calories a day. Yet I don't loose weight. I have to drop down to about 1500 calories a day to loose weight, an that's unhealthy. I'm simply not getting the protien, oils and essential vitamins I need when I drop my calories that low. They say my adrenal glands have shut down due to having been in the "flight or fight" mode for so many years. In other words, my weight is due to chronic stress. I'm not as big as you, Adam, but I'm holding steady at about 240, which is about 50 pounds over weight for me. And I'll be darned if I can take anything off. I exercise at least a half hour a day on a stationery bike and I've started some free weights (albeit very small weights...  ) Still not loosing weight. So I feel your pain. I don't drink sodas or eat potato chips though. LOL But if they were here, I would. LOL If your metabolism is still OK, you might try weight watchers. It actually does work. Also, Jenny Craig works, they say. But it's a pretty boring diet. However, you get plenty to eat. You just have to like Nutrisweet. You might ask your doctor to recommend a good nutritionist. They can help with diet suggestions. Or, you can just search the internet. There are thousands of good diets on the internet. But the trick is to limit your calories. Period. If you don't do that, you won't loose. Also, eat early in the day so you have a chance to work off the calories you took in. Don't eat at night and then go to bed. OK, my friend. I'm out of advice. Oh, wait. One more thing. Keep your self esteem up. Poor self esteem can lead to eating binges in some people. So don't get down on yourself. To heck with how those people look at you or how they might think of you. Does your wife love you? Do your children love you? You know we do. So who else matters? You are truly blessed, my friend. Keep that in mind. God bless, Dan |
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Adam: I'm so sorry you are having so many struggles right now. But remember, you are a wonderful man, you have a wonderful and a loving family...and they love you 'no matter what'. Yes, you do have a problem right now....and it takes a lot of will power to use that will power to change things. But I KNOW you can do it!! Maybe you can try going to Weight Watchers or some place like that....just to try to get some support with the weight loss...and to get yourself eating properly again. Living with pain on a daily basis can make anyone depressed...and that will help with the weight gain. But I'm sure you know all this already! The thing is getting yourself to change those habits. You CAN, Adam....and maybe your writing this post is the thing that will make things turn around for you....I hope! Keep rereading what you wrote....print it out and keep it on your computer screen. Put a picture of yourself when you were thinner on there, too. I know my metabolism shuts down one me.....because I don't eat properly. I am not a snacker and don't eat a lot....I could practically live on 'nothing' all day long...but would not lose a pound....because of the metabolism. I did lose 25-30 lbs. when I had my knee replacement in January....not sure how that happened though....lol. I have not gained it back....and am trying to keep from doing so. So far, so good! Even on the cruise, I did not gain any weight...surprisingly. I know that travellling is tough though...people seem to eat more, eat the wrong things when they travel. It's too easy to just order it up....and it's there!! Adam, we all love you for who you are...and so does your family and friends. You are a very special man! I know you are 'down' right now; but you can change that....it ain't easy...but you can do it! The hardest thing is 'accepting' it...and sounds like you have done that. Now it's time to do something about it....and only YOU can do that! You'll get there....it will take lots of time...and patience though. Hang in there, Adam.....and please get some help now. Don't let this get any worse. We care a lot about you.....and we want you to be happy....and to be happy with yourself!! Big hugz, Dee |
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Don't belittle yourself, eating disorders are not understood enough and there isn't enough information and help around. My oldest daughter is a beautiful girl on the inside and not bad on the outside but she weighs over 300 lbs. She tries and tries to lose weight but undermines herself all the time. She comes out after every one is in bed and binges and then doesn't remember it the next day. Food is her addiction and its just as hard if not harder to break from it than drugs. Drugs you don't have to have but everyone has to eat. Its all around you where ever you go and what ever you do. Have you tried any of the weight clinics for obesity? I don't know much about them but they say they have a lot of good things going. You will be in my prayers in a special way as I know from experience just how hard it is to be the fat one. Take care and don't give up. lots of love gramanan |
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Dear Adam, I read you post and it saddened me. It saddened me for two reasons. One I felt enormously bad that someone is in your kind of pain and it seemed like you felt alone. The other reason I was sad is because I have some understanding on how you feel. I am not a shring and I don't pretend to be one. But as I was reading you letter, I felt like the hate you have for yourself is more indicative on how you feel about yourself on the inside and may not have really anything to do with your size. I am a big person and I must say that I hate myself for it. I am like you. But I am a person who really evaluates myself a lot and I find that I am just as afraid of sucess at losing weight. I wonder if it won't make me feel as whole as I imagine it would. I have so many ideas of what it would be like to be near thin. I love to dress up. I love fashion and it hurts that most of the clothes that I would like to wear do not fit me. And the solution is right in front of me. But this fear of succeeding and the change that comes with it frightens the hell out of me. I guess maybe my age has something to do with it. I am 38 and married with kids and I love them dearly. They are my world. But a part of me wants so much more and I wonder what type of person will I be if I suceed. I have to say the fear rules me. I am afraid of gastric bypass. I have heard that death rate is high from infection. But I could be wrong. I would have it if Iwas not afraid. My only encouragement is not to look at yourself the way others do but think about some of the good things that people say about you. I heard someone said that they valued your comments and the way you say things and think. If other people can see that value in you, maybe it is time you start looking for that valuable part. I hope things look up for you. I know it is not easy. Being overweight is a war within ourselves and with others and how they percieve the world. |
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| | | From: EUCmom | Sent: 10/24/2008 1:03 AM |
Adam, I am so sorry for how you feel and wish there was something I could do to help you. I can though tell you that we are all here for you. Anything I can do to help I will. I guess just being here to read your posts and writing back is what we can do although that sometimes doesn't seem enough. Yeah I wish this world wasn't so big and we could be closer to one another for comfort and total support. But in the end it is up to each one of us as individuals to help ourselves most of the time. You do know the old saying "if you fall off the bike, get back on and try try again until you learn how to ride it. I was going to make a sexual funny out of that but I am not good at making that stuff up. I just want you to laugh and be your charming self again. Don't be so hard on yourself. We love you as you are even if you weigh a little more than 100lbs. You can do it, just try again. Gosh I suck at pep talks. Sorry. But we all do care! Love Ya Kim |
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Dear Adam, I can understand how you feel, I have been dealing with my weight all my life, but never so bad as since I started taking prednisone, and then having adrenal insufficiency. I'm 5'9 and weight over 200 lbs. It can really do a number on your self esteem if you let it and it's so hard not to. I have finally learned to tell myself that I am a good person, and I try to help and be kind to others. I know it is bad for our health, but once in awhile you have to forgive yourself and just try to get back to keep trying. I feel all the people who have to say the snide remarks feel alot worse about themselves than we do. I want you to know that even though I don't contribute enough in the group, I love reading what you have to say. Your a wonderful writer who doesn't have to put others down to make others laugh or to get your ideas across. You take me back in time with your humourous stories. So give yourself a break Adam, your a special person. Love, Jeannie |
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Oh Adam.... I understand completely how you feel.... having put on over 80 lbs in the past couple of years and I was overweight to begin with....the anti depressants can really put on the pounds....same with the anti anxiety's.... you're a wonderful man....whatever size you are... and Diane and the girls are lucky to have you... I'm sure they know that... |
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