Survivors Network
Educational Recovery Information Sheet On Co-dependency
What is Co-dependency?
Co-dependency is a learned behaviour that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behaviour is learned by watching and imitating other family members.
Who displays this type of behaviour and Who Does Co-Dependency Affect?
Co-dependency often affects a partner, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.
What is a Dysfunctional Family and how does it lead to Co-Dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:
An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become "survivors." They develop behaviours that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.
How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to "be themselves." Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviours like work holism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care taking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may "pull some strings" to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behaviour.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy care taking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the care taking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choice less and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behaviour that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:
· An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
· A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue.
· A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
· A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
· An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
· An extreme need for approval and recognition.
· A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
· A compelling need to control others.
· Lack of trust in self and/or others.
· Fear of being abandoned or alone.
· Difficulty identifying feelings.
· Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
· Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
· Chronic anger.
· Lying/dishonesty.
· Poor communication.
· Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire to identify signs of Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
· Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
· Are you always worried about others�?opinions of you?
· Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
· Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
· Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
· Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
· Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
· Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
· Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
· Have you ever felt inadequate?
· Do you feel like a "bad person" when you make a mistake?
· Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
· Do you feel humiliation when your child or partner makes a mistake?
· Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
· Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
· Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
· Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
· Do you have trouble saying "no" when asked for help?
· Do you have trouble asking for help?
· Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
How is Co-Dependency Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behaviour patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behaviour patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.
When Co-Dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behaviour is understanding it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centres and mental health centres often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any care taking behaviour that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say "no," to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
For further information about co-dependency and to find out where your nearest co-dependency 12 step recovery group is go to: Co-Dependents Anonymous Website
http://www.codependents.org/
Co-dependency & Child Abuse
These days we here the word co-dependant everywhere. Many don't know the proper meaning of this sickness. Co-dependency is one of the root illnesses that we are left with from our abuse issues. Co-dependency can destroy any relationship we enter into, make us weak and needy, in ways that can never be satisfied, fills us with desperation that can and many times does lead to suicide.
Another name I give to co-dependency is a need to be needed. There are two parties to this game.
Game:
This type of relationship there are two main factors: one person is needed and the other needs. The person that is needed may seem strong when in fact he or she has to have their ego-padded non-stop and must be in complete control of all that goes on with in the relationship. Similar to a spoiled brat. This person will fly off the handle very quickly and display temper tantrum like personalities, when they do not get their own way.
The needy person or the visually weaker person is filled with self-pity, complaints, almost like a suck hole attitude. This person is constantly suicidal and can do absolutely nothing, comfortably, without their counter part.
Many of today's marriages, parent/child relationships, and friendships and many other relationships, are co-dependently based. This is one of the main reasons for domestic violence and child abuse. It is also one of the main reasons some of our children are having shooting sprees at our schools. Serious and deadly.
To break this we have to work very hard. We first have to open our eyes, come out of denial and look clearly and honestly at ourselves, then we have to see all of our weaknesses and begin to strengthen them, finally we must set proper personal boundaries for ourselves.
Co-Dependency is the very root of Abuse:
These entries define co-dependency: When you give up your boundaries in a relationship you:
1. Are unclear about your preferences
2. Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
3. You alter your behaviour, plans, opinions, to fit the current moods or
circumstances of another (live reactively)
4. Do more and more for less and less
5. Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard
6. Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
7. Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
8. Let others minimal improvement maintain your stalemate
9. Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed
activity
10. Make exceptions for this person for things you would not tolerate in anyone
else.
11. Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
12. Keep trying to create intimacy with a narcissist
13. Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
14. Will forsake every personal limit to get "love" or the promise of it
15. See your partner as causing your excitement
16. Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
17. Act out of compliance and compromise
18. Do favours that you inwardly resist (cannot say NO)
19. Disregard intuition in favour of wishes
20. Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
21. Mostly feel afraid and confused
22. Are enmeshed in a drama that unfolds beyond your control
23. Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
24. Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed that way
(no bottom line)
Below are some good pointers on what boundaries are needed to heal this Co-Dependency:
When your boundaries are intact in a relationship you:
1. Have clear preferences and act on them
2. Recognize when you are happy / unhappy
3. Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centred (live actively)
4. Do more that gets results
5. Trust your own intuition while being open to others' opinions
6. Live optimistically while co-working on change
7. Are only satisfied if you are thriving
8. Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better
9. Have excited interest in self - enhancing hobbies and projects
10. Have a personal standard that, albeit flexible, applies to everyone and ask
for accountability
11. Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
12. Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
13. Are strongly affected by your partner's behaviour and take it as information
14. Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost to your
integrity
15. See your partner as stimulating your excitement
16. Let yourself feel anger, say "Ouch!" and embark on a program of change
17. Act out pf agreement and negotiation
18. Only do favours you choose to do (can say NO)
19. Honour intuition and distinguish them from wishes
20. Insist others' boundaries be as safe as yours
21. Mostly feel secure and clear
22. Are always aware of choices
23. Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for
yourself
24. Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
25. Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious
Please use these examples to heal yourself and your families!
Co-Dependency Poem on Letting Go
Letting Go. . .
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own
shortcomings, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it
comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticise and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
IT IS O.K. TO "LET GO"
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