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Message 1 of 17 in Discussion

From:

Gooeycupcake (Original Message)

Sent: 5/22/2004 7:20 AM

I just read my note from 04/27/04 and have virtually no recall of writing. Something vaguely familiar but thats it. I only write what I feel or think at the moment so that must of been the case. Mark and I worked out our differences and I cried when we spoke after about 6 days apart-for the 1st time I knew someting was really there.

Man, life is really messed up...I see how hard some of members are struggling to make it, others are doing well for the first time in a while and somewhere in the midle is where I fall....My list is too long but I cant shorten it, if I would, it would be denial and just more trouble.

I havent even told my friend abou this side of me other than I bumped my head and had some residual effects. He can relate because he has had head trauma too, had deep depression and more. He would be empathetic, just dont have the nerve yet to tell him. I want out of this mind!

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Message 3 of 17 in Discussion

From:

Gooeycupcake

Sent: 8/3/2004 7:47 AM

Well my my funny how life turns out...last post cant wait to meet a friend, afterwards so glad to be home in one piece... Man that seems like a long long time ago..so much and so little has happened. mainly just the wars in my heart and head....still single, still no friends, getting settled in now at my apt...here 6 months already...i seem to function at a bare bones minimum after work. i am just pooped out....I definitely have some funny moments usually at my own expense and not too much pain in the process... Sugarpie, my stumpy has been very upset with me today for some reason...not sure if its the weather or God forbid something brewing...I have managed to stay out of the hospital for nearly 1 year....should have been in 6 mos ago but passed and took this job ...Tonight I am tired but feel at peace or even somewhat indifferent...I went to Sedona AZ yesterday and really did it...Its te first time I have gone anywhere besides work and the grocery store in more than 3 months...That was a big big goal to accomplish...My next goal is to start eating right...not hardly eating anything, just a lil bit here and there and drinking tons of water which is good...just need better nutrition but the crux is that I dont have the desire to spend the energy to fix anything...a cup a noodles, maybe a piece of cheese...no weight loss though which is wierd...Some many areas for improvement...just need to pick one and go for and stick with it....Tomorrow nearly here. time to hit the sack.

Message 4 of 17 in Discussion

From:

gelabriar

Sent: 8/3/2004 11:12 PM

i have the same problem with my eating i do not have to the desire or the energy to cook something really good for me i think some of it comes from living alone so i just do not feel the need to go all out it will take some time to get use to being alone and maybe in the case of eating u might never i have not and i have been divorced a long time i am go proud you got to get out and about i wish i could have been there too

gelabriar

Message 5 of 17 in Discussion

From:

Gooeycupcake

Sent: 8/11/2004 5:15 AM

Dear Diary,

Things are going from bad to worse. I am almost mute when not at work, I cant think straight or complete a single thought sometimes, the hole inside me is so big and wide I am not sure how to close it, fill it or how to cope...Cope...would be a great friend if I could get it to come into my home...Its at arms length..I am so angry, depressed at my leg...every fricken thing takes 10 moves..nothing is simple. I have aged literally 10 years in the last two due to the physical and mental pains...I came here for a new chance on life and the honeymoon of work is over...I do my job, get paid and come home to my refuge, I never leave on my days off cept when I am out of food. This is not a pity party..life is hard and not for the weak..I am losing the battle and know it..if my mind doesnt do my end, my leg is little by little--that is a hard cold fact even the docs know...and now when I need help the worst I cant afford it. I make too much for assistance and not enough to shell out the bucks..I can barely afford the few drugs I take now...now that everything is charged on a percentage..I am going to make some calls tomorrow to see if I can round up some help....Tomorrow is another day..

Message 6 of 17 in Discussion

From:

Gooeycupcake

Sent: 8/15/2004 2:23 AM

Lord stop me from this Hell in my mind....I have closed off and the proof is that family and friends are calling less and less because I dont return their calls....Isolation is intense....self absorbed thoughts are so damn strong....I make it to work and the food store thats it....my breathing is heavy and my body is heavy...where or where is the manic/fast/behavior??? I miss it so....I feel like a cycle is beginning to change...from down to hyper, I can feel it in my bones but I hate the guessing game.....I have been talking faster and faster in work but my body doesnt catch up...I want to go go go go go go go go go go but my bodys says Whoa reality wont let me move that fast...I spend money like there is no tomorrrow and then the guilt is overwhelming..today I spent 80 bucks on houseplants, booze and kitty litter...it made no sense but I was absolutely overpowered by the need to get it and when I got home ti was like...where do I put it.I did need the kitty litter and that was it out of the 80.00...everything put away and I realized a harsh reality..the rest doesnt do any good. So I self medicate to overcome the guilt and the constant physical pain in my leg..

I really do wish there was a magic pill that could control these urges...the need...what I am replacing?? I know what I am replacing but it would only complicate matters..How could I ever bring a person into this world of mine???

Goo

Message 7 of 17 in Discussion

From:

Gooeycupcake

Sent: 8/17/2004 5:29 AM

Well today was a day....about half way through I realized I was feeling better, talking fast, thinking fast, talking like a dang auctioneer on the phone...its like you have so many bad days that when you finally have a good one it takes you a while to figure what is going on.....

Then tonight I get a call frm my head doc. my insurance is telling me one thing and her another which means I am back at square fricken one....I am so pissed off soo tomorrow will be another call this time to a supervisor to get to the bottom of this...they dont realize they have someone hanging by a thread on somedays....Dang insurance love em and hate em at the same time....And I dont get the help I need....