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| | | From: rainbow345uk (Original Message) | Sent: 7/28/2005 9:20 PM |
My situation isnt that easy. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 18 months and i absolutely love her to bits. The thing is its long distance. We met in our last year of college and when we finished she had to move back home over 300 miles away. We've been apart for a year and its going to be at least another year until we are together. Although our relationship is hard we're not giving up on it. The problem i have is jealousy and on my part. She moved back to her home city but she hadnt kept in touch with any of her friends from school. So she is very alone. Until a few months ago. Her ex-boyfriend got in touch. but hes not just her ex-boyfriend but her old best friend for many years. They used to be really close. The thing is everytime she mentions him i get really jealousy and really down. Not just mentally but physically too. Its like being hit by a bus or something. And its not something that i can contol, no matter how hard i try. Ive told her all this and we have fallen out over it a few times. I keep asking myself if im wrong to feel the way i do. Do you think i am? I guess i just dont like the idea of him being there for her when i cant. Or him taking her out. Or cheering her up when she's had a bad day. If he wasnt her ex i think id be ok about it. I just dont know wat to do. She means everything to me and i hate that im hurting her with the way i feel. And that im making her be alone. Im sorry for ranting on. Id be very grateful for any advice you have and for your opinion on whether i am wrong to feel wat i do. Thanks. |
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I am in the same boat as you... My girlfriend lives in the US and i live here in the UK I have a jealousy thing and so does she.
It is totally natural for you to feel like this, it's just your emotions playing with you but it lets you know that you are afraid to lose something that means so much. Maybe you are afraid that because he once had a place in her heart maybe there is still a little something there between them.
I know it is very easy for me to say don't worry I am sure it is nothing, but trust me if she loves you and you love her distance means nothing, and him being back in the picture could also mean nothing. What you have to think about and be greatful for is that you have her, ok you cant be there to comfort her everytime she needs that shoulder to cry on but she has someone there that knows who she is and that can help to sooth her when youi cant. Yes the nagging in your head will bug you but honestly dont worry it's natural.
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| | From:  Fluffa3 | Sent: 7/29/2005 9:52 AM |
Hi Rainbow I really feel for you on this one and I know that I would be exactly the same. I don't think I could manage a long distance relationship for all the reasons you are having. I really hope that things will work out for you and there is no reason why they shouldn't. You have already got through over a year apart so that is a very good sign. Good luck and fluffy hugs |
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Hey Thanks to you both for replying. I do trust her 100% but i do have fears jus like you said phoebe, though they aren't worrying me too much. I told my girl everything that i have been feeling and although she can understand to an extent, we have fallen out over it. But we are good now. The thing is she has said that she wont see him anymore. She cant cope with me getting so jealous and so down. I put her in such a hard postion that she felt she had to make a choice. And she's chosen me. Its a really difficult situation. I feel like my heart is telling me one thing an my head another. the truth is im happier if she doesnt see him, but i really dont want her to be alone. She means so much to me. Deep in my heart i want her to be able to go out with him, but my head doesnt like the idea, hence i get bad. And now i feel so guilty because im making her alone. Ive written her a letter telling her that i dont want her to stop seeing him. That i want to beat this jealousy. I know that im going to hurt loads but id do anything to make her happy. Life just gets so complicated sometimes. Rainbow |
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I do think that you are doing the wright thing in telling her to see him because my exhusband and I are friend's and the last two girlfriend's hated that and where jealouse so if I talked to him or saw him at my Daughter's. I could not say anything about it or it would start trouble and I would want to tell them about my day who I saw what was said and could not.Not A good way to live..I hope that you would rather know what went on than have her hide anything from you.I hope that someday I will fined someone that will be friend's with him to..I do think you are doing the wright thing.. |
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Well the letter wasnt a good idea. Although i told her that i wanted to beat this jealousy and let her see him, i think i was too honest. I told her that i wasnt comfortable with the idea of her going clubbing and getting drunk. And now thats all that she is thinking about. She says she's not allowed to be herself and that everything has either got to be about us or nothing. It feels like she is completely missing the fact that i poured my heart out and told her that i want to beat this jealousy for her. That i dont want her to be alone and that i want her to go out with her ex. No matter how much i tell her that it doesnt seem to make a difference. I just dont know wat to do. |
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| | | From: pooks0 | Sent: 7/31/2005 6:17 AM |
Rainbow,I feel so much for you over this, as I think the emotions you are feeling are common to many of us. What seems to be happening, is that you are feeling insecure , not through anyone's fault, but maybe it's how you are, I am this way myself. The thing that is so important if you are to keep this relationship working, & for your future too, is to find a way to know deep inside that if your bond with your girl is strong enough, if you are meant to be together, you will be ok. If you cannot accept that you both need lives where you live, but these friendships just make your time more bearable until you meet again, until you can be together, you will drive her away by making you both unhappy. I know this is hard when all you want is to be with her, but you need to find peace within yourself, inner self confidence to take things forward. (I'm 42 & think i'm getting there!! ) I know it's an old saying about if you love someone let them go, if they love you, they will come back, but it's true. Most importantly, you need trust & honesty for any relationship to survive. I hope I haven't gone on too much! Wishing you all the very best, Take care, Pookie. |
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| | | From: Debbi36 | Sent: 7/31/2005 1:01 PM |
Hiya Rainbow
Jealousy is a killer,
My GF is very jealouseven of some of my friends, esp new ones that i make!!in the end it really really grinds me down!! i feel as though she wants me to be hers and hers alone. i have 3 children and sometimes she even gets jealous of them!.At times i feel so trapped i feel like ending our relationship, we have been together for 2 and a half years and i love her to bits.Im 38 and she is only 27. its good that you are being honest with her about the way you feel, but she needs friends and at least she is tellin you and not lying to you about her friendship with him.. Please try and see things from her point of view,
take care love Deb |
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i'm going to sound like i'm being hard on you now, but i'm not. i don't want to see you hurting, and the best thing i think i can do is be truthful.
would you rather your girl be having a bad day and all alone, very sad, no one there for her?
its unfortunate that its an ex, but please be glad she has some support.
as for your jealousy, that is something you need to look at, need to sort out. you've said it's eating away at you from inside, so you know how painful it can get. please talk to someone about this. the emotion is yours, only you can heal it. its not about your girl being 300 miles away, she could be living in the same house as you, but she'll hit it off with a pretty work mate and start socialising with her, and the jealousy would come back.
jealousy can form for many reasons, your own insecurities, because of the way you've been treated in the past, but whatever the reason, you can get over it with help. please don't let it keep hurting you.
you've had some great replies, and good advice to your message already, so i wont repeat what others have said, i hope you can take it all on board.
but most of all, i hope you can sort this out. you have made it through a year, that has to be good! and your letter saying she shouldn't cut him out of her life, well your moving in the right direction, thats great!
good luck with this
jan x |
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Hey
Thank you all for your replies. Im sorry i have written here again sooner. Things were going pretty good, we had a really good few days. We never really sorted out the issue of her ex, we just kind of moved on from it. Its something thats affected us a few times in the past and we cant seem to come to a conclusion on it. In my first post i never eally explained alot of stuff that happened. Ever since she moved back home i have always been jealous of him. She hasnt seen that much of him but its always been something at the back of my mind. Then a few months a go she admitted to me that she still had feelings for him. That was something i really struggled with. And she even compared our relationship to one with him and he came out with more pros than ours. That is something that i have never gotten over, even tho now she says she doesnt have any feelings for him. I have met him and he is nice and they even look good together. Ive tried so hard to stop what i feel about him but it always comes back to me. And im hurting again and dont know if im right to. She was talking to him on the net last night and he told her that he was going travelling around the world the next year. And he asked her to go with him. She said no but admitted that she had thought about it. I know i should be looking at the point that she said no, but it hurts that she considered it. That she considered making the distance between us greater as well spending more time with him than me. And the fact that we are supposed to be moving into together next year too. Im not really sure what advice im looking for here. I guess i just wanted to let my feelings out. And to ask the same as before, am i wrong to be hurting? |
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| | | From: Jazzie | Sent: 8/21/2005 10:10 PM |
When i was with my last gf, her jealousy ate us up and destroyed us |
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its not always advice you need, just somewhere to offload your feelings stay strong rainbow jan x |
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Well this is it. Its the first time she'll be going out with him since i started posting on here. And i dont really know what im feeling. Ive gone down a bit, but i guess im trying to ignore it. I dont feel as bad as i have done, but im still feeling a bit jealous. But i have reason to dont i? i jus keep questioning myself. I dont know if anything i ever feel is right. |
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I agree with everything that has been said and then some....jealousy will only be accepted so far an in a few can be dangerous to the relationship...
Mine is a good one althought there is the jealousy i think its hot so i dont worry
but you should look into it...it gets to a point where enough is enough..first its cute then its annoying so you hav to be careful
But honesty is the best way
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