I wrote this page in 2001, just after starting this group.
This is who I was then.
Me
HELLO, and WELCOME to my community. My name's Jan, I'm 34 years young, and I live in Liverpool, England. I have a 15 year old daughter, called, Lisa.
This is her, with her best mate, Kay, (Lisa on the left) We have a spoilt cat called Tiger, who I would happily turn into a fur rug, lol. I'm new to the internet, I've been using the computer, and the internet for about 3/4 months. This is my first attempt at a community, and I'm realy enjoying myself. My natural desire to 'have a go' made me click on 'build your own community', but the rest of this page will tell you why I continued with it, and why I spend so much time here.
I now have a second community, called 'Me Animate' where I make animated signatures, banners, backgrounds (like the one on this page), dolls. This is something else I have learned since coming online, and I would recommend it to anyone, I love designing and making things. Click the banner below to look at my new site. Also, a few examples of the things I make.
My Story
As a child, I went through quite alot of abuse, so when I didn't fancy lads, like all the other girls, I wasn't realy surprised. I suppose I knew, even then, that I was attracted to women, but wouldn't have ever dreamed of telling anyone, I put it out of my mind, and did what was expected of me, found a man, and made babies.
So for 18 long, painful years, I tried to be straight, did what I had to do, to cope with the life I was stuck with. I had breakdown after breakdown, clinging to sanity for the sake of my daughter.
A couple of times, through these years, I thought about being with a woman, and made feeble attempts, like phoning a gay chat line, but deep down, I knew that the people around me would never except me as a lesbian. I was taught that it was wrong, perverted, just not done! and did I realy want to complicate my life, anymore than I had to.
Two years ago, I fought my way out of my final straight relationship, and decided, that no matter what, I'd never put myself through the turmoil of sleeping with another man. I decided that I'd just have to stay single for the rest of my life.
Then, after a year of being by myself, a year without the pressure of trying to be straight, I started to recognise my true feelings, I had the strength to investigate them, instead of hiding them away. So after 3 months, I gathered all my courage, and phoned a gay help line. Like all the other times, everything went wrong, the phone line was no-longer manned, the second number I found was just a recorded message, but I wouldn't give up.
So, I went to a coffee evening, found out where I could go to meet other gay people, and now, 9 months on, I finaly know, what and who I am.
I've still got all sorts of problems hanging over me, and by finaly 'allowing' myself to be a lesbian, I've caused a dozen more problems for myself. But at least now, I'm being true to myself, and just that one tiny fact, gives me the strength to face all the others.
If I'd know just one 'gay' person, or the where-abouts of a gay bar, I think I would have sorted all this out a lot sooner. And this is why I wanted to start this community. Just knowing, that you're not the only one, you're not weird, or perverted, that there are others out there, who have been through, or are going through, the same things you are. If this site can offer a glimmer of hope, to just one person, then all the late nights, spent working on these pages, have been worth it!
So please, before you leave, put a message on the board, add a club to the scene guide, or leave a joke! Leave your name on the 'contacts' page. Let the other members get to know you.
Well, thanx for reading. If you've been through similar, or other problems, and would like to share your story with the other members, or if you would like to introduce yourself to the community, you can make a page like this, just look for 'members pages'.
Thanx for visiting, please come again soon,
Lots of love,
My Story (03)
I first made this page two and a half years ago.
I used the page to explain who i was, and why i started the group.
I wont explain again, here, my reasons for starting the group, they have not changed, but I have. So here's a bit about where I am now.
This is me now, (((on the left ))) my most recent photo. I had all my hair cut off in a fit of madness, lol, but I quite like it short now.
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And this is my daughter Lisa, 17 now. She did great in her GCSE's, mainly A's,a couple of B's. She's now sitting her A'levels, and in september 2004 will start university. She's still the best daughter in the world, and I'm still the luckiest mum!
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We're still living in liverpool, we still have our cat, gggrrrr! I still love going out, reading, designing. In fact, my circumstances have hardly changed at all, it's me, as a person, that has changed so much.
In the past 3 years, since coming out, since starting late to it lesbians, I feel I've grown so much as a person. I'm alot stronger, so much more confident. I used to despise myself, even as I started this group, I hated who I was. But now I can feel pride in things I have done.
I feel now as though I know where I'm going in life, I have goals, for the first time, ever. I also feel as though I have accomplished something, both in creating and running this group, and my other group, me animate. Three years ago, I would not have had the confidence, or the determination, to do this.
Every day used to be a chore, a trial. I'd grit my teeth and hope I'd make nightfall. Now I can enjoy some days. I've started to care about myself, about the house around me. I'm finding myself sorting out boxes and bags that have been piled up since we moved here seven years ago, wanting the house to look nice.
For the first time in my life, I have allowed people inside my barriers. I had never trusted enough to allow anyone to be a part of my life, in any sence, but now I've opened up and let people see the real me.
And all this, I truly think it at least started, simply because I found the courage to come out to myself.
So if you are reading this, and thinking about taking this step yourself, I'd say, "go for it!" Some people you know wont like it, and some will go out of thier way to make things hard for you, but for me, the benefits far out weigh the pit falls I've encountered.
Many members have approached me, and said that reading the MY STORY page helped them to find the courage to come out themselves, that finding the group has helped them get through, and that makes me so proud, and so happy.
I still have my animation site, and it's as busy as ever. I love creating things. All the banners, backs, etc at this group are made by me. I've learned so much since starting that site, and creating things has given me an escape, a hobby of sorts, something to keep me occupied when I need distraction. Feel free to take a look around that site, join, make a request, I'll be happy to make you something.
So, welcome to my group, come on in, make yourself comfortable, and have some fun with us.
Very pleased to meet you
hugs janx
Me 2008
wow, loads has changed. lisa is 22, driving, uni degree, great job!
i'm living in north yorkshire :)
my life took a huge change in direction around 3 yrs ago, and because of that i felt this site would be better run by others. so, i've not been round.
saying that, i'm still online, and my email addy's are scattered around the site, if you've read this and want to chat, just give me a shout
me 2008
me and lisa