Q: What do femmes do in bed together?
A: Each other's makeup.
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "See you next month!"
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fingernails?
A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with her index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator."
Heather invited her mother...
over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye. Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other to write a folk song about it.
How many straight women in North Hampton does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Both of them.
This is a visual joke, so imagine:
Stick out your tongue straight in front of you. Ask: "what's this?"
Answer: "A lesbian with a hard on".
Again: how many lesbians does it take to... ya know what I mean?
Four. One to change it and three to organize the potluck.
Seven. One to change it, three to organise the potluck, and three to film an empowering documentary.
Eight. One to change it, three to organize the potluck, three to film an empowering documentary, and one to write a folksong about the experience.
This could go on...
A young woman, in the course of her college life,
came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:
"Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
What do you call a bunch of lesbians in a closet?
A 'licker' cabinet.
What do my girlfriend and Jack Daniels have in common?
They are both hard liqours.
Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.
Why do lesbians like whales so much?
Because they have 50 foot tongues, and air holes on the top of their heads.
Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
Advice for picking someone up in a bar.
Hint: Have a great opening line. This gives you some idea of where the conversation is leading and instills you with a false sense of confidence. "Weren't you a nun I had in high school" is good, but the best opening line goes like this: Walk up to the woman of your dreams. Brush your hands lightly about your face, and then say, "Let me clear a place for you to sit."
God was finished with the basic structure on humanity and now it was time for the extra's; the perq's. So she said to Adam and Eve, "Ok, you've got the basic stuff; now who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam leaps to his feet and says, "Me! Oh please, I want to be able to pee standing up!!"
So God says, "Tis granted". And Adam goes off happy. Then She turns to Eve and says, "Looks like all I have left are the multiple orgasms".