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| | From: Kay4JJ (Original Message) | Sent: 4/16/2006 5:50 PM |
Quick synopsis: I've been married 17 years to kind man and we have two boys 13 and 10. He knows I want to leave and that I've met my g/f but he would prefer they boys didn't have to know and is finding it difficult himself to come to terms with. My g/f has been married 15 years to fab husband and has girl 10 and boy 8. Her husband also knows everything and is fully supportive of us both and just wants to make everything as smooth as poss for the children. So...having come to the conclusion ourselves that the children deserve to know the truth sooner rather than later (unless you disagree?) the question is how best to present the truth. ie should the separation of parents be the first step and later have them find out about g/f or would it be best for them to know the whole story from the outset. We don't have any answers to "where are we going to live" etc yet so worry is that we tell them and then they are left wondering what's going to happen/how their lives are going to change etc. I'd really appreciate any input on this... I have a different opinion each time I think about it |
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Is this article any use? A family breakup affects us all You know, and I know, of many couples with children who have divorced or have separated. No one needs to be reminded of the number of men, women and children who have, or who are, experiencing the breakup of their family. Divorce is no longer an issue which can remain in the family'. It becomes more than a private matter between the couple involved as the children, other family members and friends all become affected by the fall out. The ripples spread far and wide. The shock waves begin to be felt, and it is upsetting to hear another family has been torn in half. If one, or both partners have been talking to close friends or relations, it can be a delicate path for friends to decide whether to come down on one side or the other. The urge to put one of the partners in the role of a villain can be tempting, but the reality is that this does not help anyone. Be a sympathetic ear, by all means, but if you are truly a friend, then an honest appraisal of the situation may be the most helpful. There are periods either prior to or during the breakup of a family when the children, of every age, do need to talk to someone outside of the immediate circle. Children afraid of hurting either their mother or father may be left with unanswered questions, and this is where a grandparent or other close relation can step in. There are ways of helping children to put their anxieties into words. Often a gentle open-ended question couched in a non-threatening way can open up the floodgates and be a great relief for children who are bursting to ask what is happening and even what is going to happen to them if their parents part. The time has passed when we as adults could fool ourselves by saying children don't notice what is going on, or that children are resilient and will cope with a major upheaval in their life. Children are affected deeply by changes within their family. They do need to know what is happening and to be told in an age-appropriate way. Teachers, and other carers, can play a very important part at this time. Hopefully they will have been informed by the parents of the family situation and can keep a special eye upon a child who is having to cope with a difficult time at home. A skilful teacher or baby-sitter can help by keeping a distracted or depressed child involved in an activity. I have been told that some teachers, aware of the home situation, may send a brief note home with a child to comment on how the well the child has coped at school that day. Children who have to move between one parent and another at weekends may show some of the strain on a Monday, often exhibiting signs of exhaustion or anxiety. Only by being kept informed by the parents of the ongoing situation can the carer or teacher be on the lookout for these signs, and be able to interpret them correctly. Keep an eye, too, on other children in the family. If a cousin's mother or father can leave, and not take their children, what is to keep their own family safe? Again, according to age, children will need an explanation of what is happening to their cousins. It may be a time when they need extra reassurance and demonstrative love from their own parents. Remember that children talk amongst themselves and the version of events your children hear may not be an accurate but one coloured by the misunderstandings of the children involved. A divorce in any family is a signal for us all to rally around. Because there are now more marital breakups it does not mean that each and everyone is in any way less painful. When any family is in the centre of a crisis, it is up to all of us to help in any way we can. After all, the children are our future and deserve our undivided attention and support. It is our collective responsibility to protect the children involved in divorce, whose foundations will have been rocked. The adults may well be divorcing each other and not the children, but it won't feel like that to them. | |
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‘Coming out�?when you have children Let me tell you the story of Laura. She has agreed that I can do this in the hope it will help others who find themselves facing the same dilemma. Laura was married at eighteen to a kind and gentle man, and over the next five years they had three children. Laura found it difficult to understand why she was growing increasingly restless and unhappy. When she stood back and looked at her life she believed she had everything she thought she had ever wanted. So why, then, did she feel that her life was a lie - as if she was living in a way that everyone else wanted and expected of her? In Laura’s own words: ‘I decided that I had begun by being the perfect daughter, good wife and mother, but I had no idea who I really was and what I wanted.�?/FONT> After meeting Alice, Laura began to see that there must be changes in her life. This was a time of deep uncertainty and anguish for Laura as she began to realize that if she followed her own feelings and was honest with herself, it would cause pain and confusion to other people who loved her. This is perhaps the most difficult situation facing any lesbian woman or gay man: the choice they must make if they are already in a heterosexual relationship and have a child. For Laura, as for many others in this position ‘coming out�?would have grave consequences for her partner and her children as well as her own parents. As it happened, Laura’s husband remained the loving gentle man she married, and he could be with her in her crisis. They could cry together about the heartache of it all, and he did not make it difficult for her to tell the children that she was leaving. In this sense she was fortunate - so many other men and women have told me about the chaos and pain that has surrounded them when they have made such a major life change. Many parents have lost their children because of the decision, but Laura’s husband agreed to a shared parenting arrangement. As with any new stepparent Alice could see that she needed to tread very carefully in her relationships with the children. And many of the difficulties Laura and Alice encountered were no different from those faced by any parent or stepparent when there has been a major family upheaval. As with the introduction of any new member into a family this calls for sensitivity and discretion. Opinions differ as to the wisdom of a partner becoming a co-parent, and how much to reveal to the children. Much, of course, depends upon their age. Families headed by a same-sex couple are generally little understood, so not all gay couples will make their lifestyle known. Laura and Alice decided not to reveal their relationship widely, and have decided not to tell the children until the time seems right when they are a little older. Again, Laura is fortunate to have an ex-husband and parents who support her decision. On the other hand I heard from Ben who told me: ‘I have told my eldest child about our family. I have also explained to him the difference between privacy and secrecy. I have not told my youngest. He would not understand....yet.�?Ben’s children are aged thirteen and seven. Maureen and Jo, who both have daughters from a previous long-term relationship, find that it is easier to let people assume they all live together for mutual support and care. When they first decided to live together, they did tell colleagues and friends and to their horror found they, and their children, hit a wall of prejudice and even hate. Three months later they moved to a new city and feel that it is better protection for the children to keep silent about their private life. On the whole, the consensus of opinion seems to be that the problems facing a same-sex family have a strong parallel with any second family, but that - even in the year 2000 - there may well be additional difficulties and sensitive areas to deal with. But as with any successful stepparenting, the whole family should take time and care to blend into the new family. The attitude and good will of other adults around will have an influence on this. It is wise to be prepared for a transition period, and to take time to explain to the children the significance of a new partner. Sadly, I heard of men and women who have lost their children and family because they decided to be true to their own sexuality, but there are as many who have weathered the storm and live happily in a same sex couple with a child from an earlier relationship. Sally, like countless other lesbian mothers, says that her child does not have a problem with the relationship. ‘The problem is not that she is a child of a lesbian, but dealing with society’s attitude.�?I think Sally is right. |
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Many couples who separate tell each other that whatever happens ‘the kids will come first�? Their intention is right and praiseworthy but saying it is much easier than actually carrying it out. To allay the children’s anxieties the usual answer is to tell them that, ‘Although Daddy and Mummy can’t live together, we both love you.�?Is this the end of story? No, unfortunately it is just the beginning. Of course, in the best of all possible worlds, the rules for a smooth family transition would mean that everyone would be polite, considerate, they would always be on time for collection and pick-up, and there would never be a cross word in front of the kids. It is an ideal which many parents strive for, but as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. And parents who are totally out of sync with each other are unlikely to be able to negotiate this difficult step satisfactorily. Even if a couple - let’s call them Jane and Jim - decide that they will do all in their power to see that the kids don’t suffer, how is it that the relationship can turn so sour and that all too often children find themselves caught in the middle? Jane and Jim decided that they would, in their words, divide the children up ... so that Ben and Holly would swap over homes every week. ‘After all,�?they agreed, ‘didn’t "everybody" say that this is what is best for children after a divorce?�?What seems to have escaped them is that unlike the material household goods, the bank accounts and the pets, all of which can be divided up without answering back, Jane and Jim over-looked the fact that the kids will have feelings and thoughts of their own. They were genuinely puzzled when after a few months the children were showing signs of distress: ‘It seemed to be working so well,�?they said. It had, in fact, worked for them but they had not thought to discuss the matter with the children! What about a couple who are at war from day one? When one partner feels betrayed the temptation is to hit back, and what often comes to mind is to ‘punish�?the other parent either by making access difficult, or to engage in bad-mouthing the parent who has left. I am not talking about a systematic brain-washing. Very few parents would resort to ‘Parental Alienation Syndrome�?which is what the experts have termed the deliberate attempt to poison a child’s mind and attitude towards a parent. What is much more prevalent, and often unconscious, is a constant putting down of the other parent, by constantly referring to how ‘Your mother never ...�?or ‘How I wish your father ...�?This can and does affect the child adversely. Sadly, many parents are unable to curb their own feelings so that all the grief and hurt they feel pours out onto the, often bewildered, child. Veiled messages are sent from parent to parent through the kids, which is just not fair. Barbara: ‘All I did was tell Robbie to ask his dad to buy him new trainers. That caused a terrible row, but I can’t afford to buy everything Robbie needs and his dad needs to know this.�?As a result of this message Jim shouted at Barbara for ‘spoiling his day with his son�?and Barbara shouted back that there was not enough money to go around, let alone go to Legoland. Was it really any surprise that Robbie was distraught, thought it was all his fault that his parents were shouting at each other, and was too poorly to go to school next day? When there is another person, perhaps a new lover, on the scene, the complications multiply. Often in the throws of a new love a parent is excited and wants to include the child in the new relationship, but this is more than likely to cause much fury and misery to the parent left behind. Lily: ‘I feel that Tammie has taken over my husband, my life, and now she wants my kids. No!�?/P> Often finance and access get confused: ‘I won’t pay if you wont let me see my kids.�?‘Remember, you left us. We are not going to make it easy for you. They don’t want to speak to you on the phone.�?The battles rage, and again the kids suffer. So what about our couple - Jane and Jim - who began with high hopes and thoughtful planning? Family therapy sessions showed them how far apart they were in their parenting ideas, and how this had affected their children. Jane: ‘We understood good intentions weren’t enough. We were four people who had to find a new way. We couldn’t do it in theory, it needed to be by trial and error. At the beginning we comforted ourselves by saying the children would be okay. Of course they were not. We think we have it right now - or as right as it can be after the breakup of a family.�?/P> A last word from Angie: ‘I know the theory. Kids need both parents, but its hard, very hard. Any arrangements we do make get broken at the last moment. I am the one to pick up the pieces. We started off trying to be friends, but there is too much water under the bridge and now we are not speaking. My heart bleeds for the children.�?/P> I think Angie truly sums up the difficulties of parenting after divorce. Of course there are guidelines, and many compromises have to be made if parenting is to be top of the agenda. All too often it slips down the page as fury, retaliation, and pure bloody-mindedness are what get to the top. You may, or may not, have had a choice about the breakup of the family, but remember the children never have that choice. I am afraid they are nearly always caught in the crossfire of parents at war. | |
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| | From: Kay4JJ | Sent: 7/5/2006 1:52 PM |
Update: Well... omg.... I told them, by myself, a couple of weeks ago and they have been absolutely great. Even though my husband and I never rowed - equally we were never happy and I think they can both see that. I told them all in one go... that me and their dad were separating and dwelt on that for a few minutes and let that sink in and then said that i had met someone else. They asked if i was going to move in with him and I said it wasn't a 'him' it was a her and they just nodded. So two weeks down the line.... my younger one has told all his friends at school the whole story and if people say to him that they wouldn't tell everyone he just shrugs and says "yes.... well.... I don't have a problem with it". He's looking forward to having a younger brother and a step-mum. My older one has told everyone (on his website) that his parents are splitting up but hasn't mentioned me meeting my g/f but it's not that he has a problem with it - more that he doesn't know how to say it. He's happy for everyone to know - he just doesn't want to talk about it which is fair enough. They're both coming on holiday with me and my g/f and a couple of other families in three weeks time and are really looking forward to it. What more can I say - I'm stunned - all that worrying for so long. I think the situation is helped hugely by the fact that - and to his credit - my husband is hiding his true feelings from them and there really is no tension at home at all. We can get the house on the market now the boys know and really start moving on with our lives. How wonderful is my life?! |
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