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gay parents : Can u give me some advice please?
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Recommend  Message 1 of 11 in Discussion 
From: bluebabe  (Original Message)Sent: 12/24/2002 4:59 PM
Hi ladies,
            you may/not read my message i put on the board...anyway,im not a mum,but im with someone who has kids...and she is married still.She is 31 and im 26.and ive known her for about 3 months.
  there is an attraction there,but  we also get on very well,have a giggle,our serious chats too,and generally have alot in common.
,so its not just physical stuff.I met her in a bar one night on the scene,when i was out with friends,and we said hi,then i kept bumping into her and now we are very good friends.She has been there for me alot too ,as ive been having trouble with a lady ive been involved with for the past yr,and there was lots of problems with this other woman..she has now met someone else and this 'friend' has been there for me through thick and thin.She gave me her number initially,then we started ringing each other alot..now she rings and texts me every day.To put it short ,she wants to leave her husband ..but the problem is that her youngest child has autism and she cannot get hairdressing work(that is her line of work),because he doesnt go to a mainstream school because of his behaviour and she has to be on call for him to collect him..she recieves benifits and that though.Her husband is supportive,but they both lead totally separate lives.They met whn they were young,and have been married for 13 yrs now...but she says that they have grown apart...they dont spend any time together.She has liked women for ages now,but never done anything about it till now.Im abit worried that if we start something now,our friendship will  suffer if she changes her mind.
She has done all the running though..i liked her when i met her,but was abit apprehensive incase she was using me as a 'gunie pig'....in the nicest possible intentions! ..so i backed off flirting for a few weeks and she keeps wanting to see me.Nothing 'major' pysically has happened ,although we both want to very much....i suppose im testing her..and how true her feelings are.
She told friend that she really likes me.Also we both know a couple who we drink with of a saturady night in the pub,and they were both married women.,with kids,and they both left their husbands for each other.Anyway they thought we wre together anyway,because of the way we are with each other when wre out,and when we said we wern't..just best 'mates'....they were shocked.Anyway the one lady said to me that my friend had told her that she really wants to be with me as a couple,and wants to leave her hubbie....anyway i confronted my friend,and she told me she has feelings for me,but she doenst want to fall in love with me while she is still married..she wants to sort herself out.I told her i understood....but i didnt want to be piggy in the middle though with her and her hubbie's problems,and then she and i both got emotional..we were crying because she told me she thought i was beutiful,that the woman i was involved with is mad to let me go,and that she loves me to bits,and doesnt want to l,ose my friendship or hurt me.I asked her if she just felt close to me friendship wise,and thats when she told me she had feelings for me too,and kept appologising to me..but i respect her as she's been honest with me.
We saw each other last nite and she invited me out to an awards ceromony (she does kickboxing)..and she does flirt but very subtly...to let me know(!)....but she also got my hand and held it in hers..in front of loads of ppl!...and i didnt know where to put myself really,but it felt so right too...there is something there .I love her kids too...her eldest daughter has just turned 13 yrs and she and i get on well...my friend told me she respects me because i treat her as an equal...which is how i think you should treat teenagers to a certain degree..as they can be awquard!..i work with children too,
anyway was wondering if anyone could give me some advise really.
thanx,
xbluebabe


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Recommend  Message 2 of 11 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameLouise_xySent: 12/24/2002 5:44 PM
Hi Bluebabe
Gosh - that's a lot of serious writing for Christmas Eve... I'm not sure I can advise and, in any case, no one can, or should, try and tell you what to do in the situation your in. I can give my opinion though.
My impression of you is that you are young and also inexperienced with lesbian relationships. Um, I always think it's a good idea for young people to have lots of fun rather than committing themselves to a heavy-duty relationship early on in life. But that's just my opinion. In your case it's up to you to follow your intuition and instincts to take you to a position that's right for you. But bear in mind there are never any guarantees that things will work out the way you want them to.
I empathise because I know from my own experiences how hard it is to be objective with yourself - to see things as if from the outside when you're on the inside. Things get clouded by feelings and emotions, and they get very blurry.
I think the fact that you've asked for advice suggests that deep down you have doubts. If there are doubts maybe it would be a good idea to wait a while before making any major life decisions or commitments. At the same time, if you choose to stand back a bit, I think it only fair that you talk to your friend about it. Make it clear how you feel and what you want and how far you are prepared to go with things. By being honest and open with her you can't be accused of letting her down or misleading her.
I also don't see why you can't be girlfriends but without making any serious commitment to each other (yet). I only say that because I wouldn't want to see you make a decision that you might (both) later regret. It seems better to me to keep things light and fun, rather than getting too heavy and serious. There are children involved too. I guess at the moment things are stable for them at home even though your friend and her husband lead separate lives. There are bound to be consquences for them if your friend chooses to change things. Perhaps it's better for your friend to make any moves or changes off her own back rather than involving you. But that's for her to think about.
Anyway, I've just expressed my own feelings and thoughts here. I'm sure other group members might think differently about it. Perhaps there is someone here who's been in a similar kind of situation?
Well, despite all the complications, hope you have a nice Christmas and very best wishes for the New Year. Do let us know how things go for you.
Take Good Care
Lots of Love and Hugs
Louise xxxxxx
 

Reply
Recommend  Message 3 of 11 in Discussion 
From: bluebabeSent: 12/24/2002 8:20 PM
hi ya louise,
 thanx 4 the advise...u are right about her making up her own mind about her leavin her hubbie..ive told her and made it clear that i do not want to be in the middle of a divorce ,although i would be there for her as a shoulder.
We are keepin things light for now..but you know how things go with realtionships...gradually it develops and feelings come into the equation.Im young yes,but i have my head screwed firmly on my shoulders,maybe i appear to be niave on here,but believe it or not im always advising friends,and even my mum about things...i think everyone appears vulnerable when they have issues,also cos im askin 4 advice and bein so open about my situation,i am appearing niave.
Anyway she has told me today that im far too important and special for the lady that has hurt me b4 and that i will always be in her life..she texts me alot and rings every day too.IM just glad that she is in my life,thats all i know 4 now,and she feels the same.
I work with kids,so i know exactly how awquard it would be if i got caught up with her hubbie and her n the kids....for now they see me as 'laura,there friend' which is fine by me.They are lovely kids and i wouldnt want to hurt them for the world.
Especially as that would hurt my friend.
I havnt had many lesbian relationships,but in my opinion the same feelings and emotions are involved whether ur gay or straight to be honest with you.Ive experienced both...and been through alot,so no im not that naive....im only 26 ,yes but some days i feel; antient!...alot of ppl say that i appear older than my yrs anyway in my approach to life.My friend fancies me but she also appriciates and repects me as a person in my own right...and always encourages me with work,family,friends and is so happy and positive..she is a pleasure to know.
anyway have a good xmas yourself chuck,
take care,
xxbluebabe

Reply
Recommend  Message 4 of 11 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameSpaghettisauce3Sent: 12/26/2002 11:14 AM
Hi Bluebabe,
Tried to email you in response to your other posting, but it was returned, address unknown.
I've read Louises reply to your dilemma and it makes very good sense. I thought I'd give you a slightly different perspective (just my experience, not advising you what to do hun)
7/8 years ago I was the one in a marriage with 3 kids where my husband and I lived almost seperate lives. The difference between your friend and me is that my husband was a neglectful father and very selfish with the little money we had. I asked him to leave in the summer of 1996, having space to myself with my boys gave me the confidence to realise my true sexuality. I met my g/f about 9 months later, and although things have not always been easy or plain sailing, we are still in love and together now. At the time we met, I was 32 and she was 28. The 4 year gap was unimportant then, and seems non-existant now, we were both new to relationships with women.
I agree very much with you and Louise that its not a good idea to get caught in the middle of a divorce, I had already dealt with the breakdown of my marriage before I met my g/f so that made it easier, however you cant choose when the right person comes along !! I agree that the children are of paramount importance, however, your friends eldest at least will have sussed that her parents marriage is not what it should be if they were in love, and although the love of both parents is important to a child, living in a strained situation can be more stressful than if 2 happier parents live apart.
I (personal opinion only ) think it would be better if your friend tried to think how she would have sorted out her marriage had she not met you. If you really cant stay just friends for a bit longer this is where your relative youth and the fact that you have a career and a social life might be very useful, as you have time to let her sort things out and her children adapt to change gradually. It is possible to make an emotional committment without rushing into the full blown live in relationship straight away.
I wish you both the best of luck
Fran xx

Reply
Recommend  Message 5 of 11 in Discussion 
From: bluebabeSent: 12/26/2002 10:21 PM
hi there,
           Happy xmas to u all.Thanx for all your advice ladies.I know u are all right on this one.Deep down i do not want to get caught up in a divorce,but its going to be hard 4 both of us,as im supposed to be her friend and naturally as a friend would want to support her if she left him.....i would want to be there for her,but at the same time i have feelings for her....so how do i win?...be there but keep my distance.EASIER SAID than Done!!!..i understand where ppl are coming from..i AM young YES but im not daft either!!...and i know that emotions run very high,especially in stressful/sad situations.
I wouldn't want her to leave him for me though..i would want her to leave him because SHE wants to end the marrage and then i actually would want her to decide whether she is bisexual or gay or strihgt to be honest im not sure 100 percent..only she knows deep down.
The good thing is that even though we have been intimate she is still getting on really well with me,even better infact..because i was afraid that she would change her mind after the 'event' as such(sorry that was abit crude!!)....she told me that she doesnt regret anyting and that i will always have her in my life know matter what..she has been trying to get emotionally closer to me i have found....ringing me and stuff..maybe im just a comfort.
I have been hurt badly not that long ago by someone and im certainley not ready for moving in and serious stuff yet...im happy for now..but i do wear my heart on my sleeve and she does as well and im getting the feeling that maybe we will have stronger feelings at some point.
I do wish i had met her in dif cercumstances....yes in an ideal world she would be divorced and over 'the marrage'but i suppose in time she and i will know.
Im happy for now..living one day at a time is all i can do and want to do...ive learned from experience.
I know that she is the sort of person that will always be a friend,though....knowmatter what happens.I will always be there for her too,as she is kind,and would so anything for me...treat ppl how ud like to be treated yourself.
anyway cant think anymore ..need sleep..had a v.busy xmas!
hope u all have a good one too!
xxxbluebabe

Reply
Recommend  Message 6 of 11 in Discussion 
From: bluebabeSent: 12/26/2002 10:27 PM
also how do i/u know if you have found the 'one'...like fran it sounds even tho she was new to realtionships with women,she knew that she had fallen in love....i actually cannot believe i feel so strongly towards her despite being hurt by someone else so soon....and i dont do the rebound thing either..been there,doe that,dont work!!
I just know that she is.....or am i stupid?.. hmmm?!
xbluebabe

Reply
Recommend  Message 7 of 11 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameLouise_xySent: 12/31/2002 1:09 PM
Hi Laura/Bluebabe!
Hope you had a good Christmas and I'd like to wish you a very happy and fulfilling New Year too!! Did you get my email? Hope so! I'm sending you another shortly...
As regards knowing if you've found the 'one' for you - the short answer is you don't!! How can anyone know that? How can anyone predict the future or know how long a relationship might last or whether it will be a happy one? In my book, one just has to go with the flow of things. But, you see, I follow a Buddhist/Taoist philosophy.... I think most people have very much more 'western' expectations of life and love and relationships.
I expect only that things will last as long as they do, though that doesn't mean I don't get upset when they end - I inevitably do, very much so.
I use my intuition and try to be tuned to my heart and feelings. I suppose life for me is a set of experieces to be enjoyed and to learn from. Some experiences are 'good', some not so good. In the midst of a situation it's never so easy to know for sure what is right or wrong for you. That's what hindsight is for!  Hmm... as I approach the grand old age of 51, I have plenty to look back on lol.....
I have been accused of tending to fall in love too easily. Hmm... maybe so, but I have no regrets about having the feelings I've had and have for those I've loved and love. The important thing for me is that I do things as right and as best as I can. By that, I mean I don't set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I have a moral and ethical code that I try and stick to, though life is often fraught with dilemmas. Sometimes things get beyond one's control and then others do get hurt. Sometimes I simply get carried away by my feelings and desires. Sometimes I make mistakes and say and do the wrong things . I always regret when that happens but accept that I'm only human and I'm fallible and no angel either.
Life is an adventure, I feel. Something to be experienced and whatever happens, however a particular relationship goes, you just have to do your best and follow your heart, but whilst trying not to disregard your conscience. That can be a difficult balance to achieve because one's desires can be very powerful forces. Oh dear, I think maybe I'm getting a bit too philosophical now!
Take good care, hun
Have Fun!
Lots of Love and Hugs
Louise xxxxxxxx
 

Reply
Recommend  Message 8 of 11 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameSpaghettisauce3Sent: 1/1/2003 8:11 AM
Hiya Bluebabe,
About knowing if youv'e found "the one", you cant know that at the start, you might meet someone and hope for it to be longterm but it takes month (and years) of getting to know someone and growing together learning to compromise etc, and even thats no guarentee as circumstances can change things.
What I meant was, the timing of you meeting your friend wasnt perfect, things would have been clearer for you both if her marriage had been sorted first, but that doesnt mean it wont work for you both, it just means you need to take things slowly and let your friend work this out at her own pace.
Hope all goes well,
Fran xx

Reply
Recommend  Message 9 of 11 in Discussion 
From: bluebabeSent: 1/2/2003 5:07 PM
Dear Fran,
                 i know huney,but we see each other at least twice a week and its gttin increasingly hard as she really values my friendship...n loves me to bits she said but i know she has to be the one to finish things with her hubbie for the right reasons only.But thing is we are gettin closer and closer n when i really think bout it it scares me,but most of the time it feels really right....who knows what life will bring.My ex was th love of my life but then she shit on me bigtiome soyes,life is unpredictable.This friend i have she has taught me that im worth more then my ex..she was there for me every step of the way u know..thats why i respect her..she has a heart of gold....even if she stays with hubbie i will still love her to bits.....hope you all have a happy and fulfillin new yr huneys,
xxbluebabe

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Recommend  Message 10 of 11 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nicknamejandancer33Sent: 1/11/2003 3:40 PM
blue
did you get my email hunny?
janx

Reply
Recommend  Message 11 of 11 in Discussion 
From: bluebabeSent: 1/14/2003 4:47 PM
Dear Jan,
          hi ya,yep i got your mail hun,and have jsut sent you one back..admittitley a long un!!
 
cheers hun,xxblue

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