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Subject: Fw: For the girls
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause:
Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho
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Estrogen and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after yo u find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-ca ll 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN |
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> >
> > WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
> >
> > She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
> > Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
> > Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
> > Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
> > And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
> >
> >
> > WOMEN'S REVENGE
> >
> > "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
> > woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
> > I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
> > "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
> > "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
> > shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
> > evil thing I could do to him legally"
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
> > (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> >
> > I know I'm not going to understand women.
> > I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
> > pour it onto your upper thigh,
> > rip the hair out by the root,
> > and still be afraid of a spider.
> >
> >
> > MARRIAGE SEMINAR
> >
> > While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
> > communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
> > instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
> > the things that are important to each other."
> > He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
>flower?"
> > Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
> > whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
> > The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
> >
> >
> > CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
> >
> > A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
> > the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
> > help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
> > tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
> > aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
> > balls and a ball of string on the counter.
> > She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
> > some tampons for your wife?
> > He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
> > my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
> > and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
> > papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
> > So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
> > ( this guy could be the one on the milk carton! )
> >
> >
> > WIFE VS. HUSBAND
> >
> > A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> > not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
> > argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
> > position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
> > and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
> > "Relatives of yours?"
> > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"!
> >
> > WORDS
> >
> > A husband read an article to his wife about how many
> > words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
> > The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
> > have to repeat everything to men...
> > The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
> >
> >
> > CREATION
> >
> > A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
> > can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
> > " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
> > me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
> > God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
> >
> >
> > WHO DOES WHAT
> >
> > A man and his wife were having an argument about who
> > should brew the coffee each morning.
> > The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
> > first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
> > The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
> > around here and you should do it, because that is your
> > job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
> > Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
> > is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
> > Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
> > So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
> > Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
> > that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS" |
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and when he comes back he says, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"    |
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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an
old
> hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
stores
> he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he
> remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
> He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
> Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every
> morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at
it .
> Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One
day
> after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she
> looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin'
> around with."
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Hey mslushus min if i tsbag som of these? i have een in fit of laughter all morning, where do you get this from? #Shell# |
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 The o wner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!" Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him "pick a number from 1 to 10; if you pick the right number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the number 8, and the gas station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a number. This time, Jim guessed
2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week."
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> Directions:
>
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> Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
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> Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
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> Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
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> Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles.
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> Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles.
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> Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles.
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> Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles.
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> "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles.
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> Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104 miles.
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> "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles.
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> Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles.
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> Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles.
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> Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles.
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> Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles.
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> Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles.
>
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> Arrive at the centre of town.
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> Scroll down:
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> Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!!!!!!
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> SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .! |
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 IS that the way to amarillo I've been searching like a weirdo You sure it's amerillo Sweety Lush tell me LOL MAUH  |
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HEHEHEHEHE...
S&B
"The older we get, the less
concerned we are about appearance.." |
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Subject: This is a scam, do not fall for it
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brilliant.. lmao now all i need are directions from Aberdeen: Scotland, to heathrow airport ... London:England!!! abs xx |
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| | | This guy just started at his new job, working at a
porno shop. His boss
comes
out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and
asks if he can
handle
it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with
the boss's
positive
comments he finally agrees.
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks,
"How much for the
white
dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had
a black one
before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks
"How much for the
blackdildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same
price."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've
never had a white
one
before..." She pa ys him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and
asks, "How much
are
your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the
shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost
you $150."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the
plaid one, I've
never
had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she
goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you
do while I
wasgone?"
The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I
sold one white
dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!" |  |
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's
office.
While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Little
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36"
And so it went with ever y question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the
principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little
Johnny
both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Little Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Little Johnny: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...)
Little Johnny: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink t hen comes out soft an d sticky?"
Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he
could stop the answer...)
Little Johnny: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Little Johnny: "Yup"
Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"
Little Johnny: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"
Little Johnny: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of
excitement?"
Little Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his
ass
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself |
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HEHEHEHE...
SnB
"The older we get, the less concerned we are about
appearance.." |
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