1) This is an allegedly true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for termination without cause. Actual dialogue of a WordPerfect help desk employee and a WordPerfect customer:

Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?
Yes, I need help, I'm having trouble with my computer
What kind of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden all the words went away
Went away?
They disappeared
Hmm. So what does your screen look like right now?
Nothing
Nothing?
It's blank, it won't accept anything that I type
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isn't one:I told you. It wont accept anything I type
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so
Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No
Well, there are. I need you to look back there and find the other cable
Okay, here it is
Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely in the back of the computer.
I can't reach
Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?
No
Even if you put your knee on something and leaned way over?
Oh, its not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it is dark
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well turn on the office light then
I can't
No, why not?
Because there's a power outage
A power. . . a power outage? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in
Well, yes. I keep them in the closet
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store that you bought it from
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

2) Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

He went to tell Edna the news. He said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

3) Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

4) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"