Hi I can understand you feeling so distressed. You have been through a terrible time. I dont have the answers but----my 16yr old son is a P. I do not believe that any child with a personality disorder can "catch it" from their environment. There are thousands/millions of "disfunctional Families" (and who defines a family as disfunctional?) who do not have children with personality disorders.I believe it is genetic.Also it has been proven that their brains are completely different in size and shape.All these kids want to be seen as victims and this appears to be what your D is doing. They are so manipulative. They never take responsibility for anything and do not care who they hurt----this is usually the person who loves them most. When they are ignored--they cry and gain more sympathy--they feed off our emotions.

This site is great for venting and hearing others experiences and knowing you are not alone.

Most of us feel guilty for the way our childern are but that is mainly the fault of our ignorant society. It isnt normal the way our kids act but that is because they are not normal. It is not your fault that your D acts the way she does.

I hope you find some peace here

zin   

Hi.I am so sorry you have had such a hard time of life for the last few years.....there is nothing you can do to change your daughters outrageous behaviour.all you can do is  protect yourself. I understand only too well the pain from losing a  loved one to breast cancer.the overwhelming feeling of loss and confusion is almost too much to deal with..but then you have had so much more piled on aswell.......your D even wanted the limelight at your daughters funeral...... Your D wanted attention from you when everyone else needed you, then she tries the divide and conquer.......I am pleased to meet you.we all understand here how you feel and some of what you are going through. Hugs. genie.

Thank you so much for responding.  These issues have strained the relationship between my husband and me, taken a toll on my emotionally and physically.  I taught school for 35 years, dealt with children of all types and quite successfully.  No matter what I did, I could not help the relationship between my two daughters, or between the surviving daughter and myself.  She has resorted to divide and conquor by punishing me for having an association with my sibs (we've been together for 67 yesrs), and for paying attention to our neices and nephews.

 

It just breaks my heart that as a mother I cannot help my daughter.  I hear you saying the same thing.  Somehow, dealing with the guilt, knowing that you brought a child into this world who has to live a life of misery --  and they are in misery--  is just so unfair.  I am so grateful that I found this site.  Not sure if a relationship between (D) and family will ever be restored, but there is somewhere to talk.  Thanks so much, again. 

Z......my daughter that died was a family counselor and therapist for delinquent children; supervised a large facility.  She told me that her sister had a personaltiy disorder but never named it and I never asked.  I am new thinking about narcisism.  How can there be normal children from the same family.  Yet, the (D) that has issues with me is very talented, is an administrative assistant for a nursing facility; keeps a beautiful home, etc. She has plainly said she and her daughter have the relationship that she never had with me.  I read somewhere professionals think this happens when a child-parent attachment does properly form when they are babes.  Thank you so much for writing.  There is so much to think about.

Hi,

Most of us in this group have "normal children" as well as one with a Personality Disorder. The faulty gene isn't always passed down (as is the case with most genetic disorders)

Personally I think the term " disfunctional family" very often comes from so called professional people E.G social workers who just dont have a clue about PDs and so it is easier for them to blame the family.They appear to look for, what they see as, negative things in a family E.G single parent, working mother, not working mother, step- parent, only child, irrelevent parental background--- whatever suits them really and then they turn it against you.(My experience) They really need educating!!!!

zin   

to hurtsomuch.  Thank you for talking about husbands.  Mine is a dear, most of the time, but he has done exactly as you described/ has taken (D)s side forever.  It has not been easy dealing with both of them and many days I bawled myself silly after one of the battles.  He never saw it while others in the family have, especially since the issues with my mother and daughter with cancer. AS sad and sickening as it feels to say, I had feelings at times when I thought (D) was glad her sister died.   No amount of coaxing could encourage her to visit with D-2. 

 

We took (D) and family on a trip to NYC earlier this year and with my back I have a walking problem, so I decided to stay in the hotel for that part of the tour.  (D) decided to vent her feelings about me to her dad who for the first time told he to stop.  In front of me she has said, "dad, it is never you, it is always mom who causes our problems."  Almost like an "electra" personality.  But, then, dad thrived on the attention.  He actually stood up for himself, for me two Sats. ago and I think he sees it.  It is encouraging to have found this site.

 

 

zinmalkal........Genetic or something happends during embryonic development.  This morning my husband and I mused about when we brought D-2 home from the hospital.  (D) was two years old, threw such a fit, and said to take her back.  We worked hard trying to change that attitude, but never really succeeded.  (D) was frequently nasty to the younger one, and this continued all through HS. They even lived together while the younger one was in college.  (D) made some bad choices regarding boyfriends and partners, but after she married, she seemed to calm down, except for squabbles with her inlaws.

 

I have looked for explanations.  My parents were abusive to me/my sibs, never fair to the grandchildren, because they really only liked (D), the oldest  out of the six.  That just astounded me when (D) bailed out on the grandmother that doted on her.  My sibs and I survived our childhoods, got college degrees, and remained to take care of the parents.  I read that N children fail to make appropriate child-parent relationships and connections in the early years.  Our early years together were stressful as while dealing with new babies, we also had an alcoholic F;/IN to contend with.  I went back to work when D2 was 3 months old with MD recommendation.  The girls went to a babysitter and I went to work during the day. 

 

Yet, after a certain point in our relationship I walked and talked with care around (D).  And, I did this to avoid confrontations.  Forty-two years later I can't have an honest conversation with her without watching everyword I say.  Well, now we aren't even talking.  She is so bold with her demands on what we need to do in order to have her in our lives.  Thanks again for listening.

To shadowdancer........Unbelievable what you have endured in those short years with your two older children.  This disorder seems to get worse as they grow older.  It is the absolute hate and anger my daughter shows toward me, not only in words, but in her body language, and what she says to others that just blows me away.  In addition, turning our granddaughter against us, and being so hateful to my brother/sister/families just confounds me.  I can't stand the stress of being around her, keep praying that someday things will change, but, as you, am working hard to get on with life.  I was so glad to hear that you have found comfort and peace.  Blessings...JubileeKat

Hi Jubileecat,

You have really had me thinking with families and upbringings etc. My Father is an alcoholic, he has 4 siblings, 3 of whom are alcoholics. I certainly didnt have a "normal upbringing" My mum was the kindest, most wonderful person I have ever met and how she endured the life she had, I will never know. She tried so hard to make things as "normal" as she could for me and my brother. Sadly she passed away a few yrs ago. My Father who hasnt had a drink now for about 20 years is even more of a monster than when he was drinking.The drinking masked how awful he really was. I could never see that at the time and always thought that when and if he stopped drinking I would have a "normal father". My brother still suffers terribly from the mental abuse he suffered and still often sleeps with his clothes on. He never had children because he was scared he may turn out like our Father and that really worried him. It is so sad as he would have made a wonderful dad. He is so loving and affectionate.When I think of my Father and his family, I wonder about the effect it may have had on me(nature or nurture) and perhaps that is why my son is a P.

My Father has no real emotions and sees himself as a Saint and fails to understand why his son and daughter have very little to do with him.

There is so much to think about.

zin           

Hello!

I have just recently (this week) discovered that my 30 yr. old daughter is quite possibly narcissistic.  The criteria of Narcissism is easily met by her... I recognize all 9 of them in my daughter.  I would very much appreciate relating with other parents of narcissistic children. I want to be able to cope, as for many years I have felt much sorrow and confusion.

Thank you,

Mom of a narricissist.

 

P.S. This is the first posting and I am very new here.