Hello Dancer,

Thank you for your response.  What you said is true about my N using the grandchildren to manipulate me.  She did'nt hesitate to emotionaly blackmail me with a picture of them sent by email after she had her latest "explosion".  I guess I am supposed to feel guilty, and hurt yet one more time.  But I am NOT buying into it!   I am thankful that there is a lot of miles between us.  As of now, I'm not sure about having absolutely no contact.  It does seem to be the solution though.  Since her last episode I have not contacted her....did not acknowledge the picture of my grandkids.  I hope I am doing the right thing, but as you probably know, it does not matter what I do....because I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I feel numb now. But so thankful to be here.  I'm not alone in this hell.

Thanks so much! 

Welcome. We're all in the same boat here! You're instincts on how you HAVE to treat her has served you well.

Hi Dancer,

This last week has been full of reading and research on N disorder.  I do feel empowered to know more now, but it hurts so much at the same time. The thought of  no contact with her makes me so sad and the guilt feelings are there too, as it is my choice to have not contact.  I am dreading the holiday season as it will be a lonely time for me again.  I can't help but think that it won't last either...she will contact me some way for some reason, some crisis or just to "reel me in again".  When she was about 3 yrs. old we were at the public library.  She was chattering to me and I told her to hush, that we were in a place that requires being quiet. She gave me a look of astonishment but did quiet down.  After we got in the car, she told me to "never embarass her in public like that again".  For many years I thought that this proved that she was intelligent and that I really had my hands full with her.  Little did I know!  In retrospect, she did not appologize, nor take responsibility.  She turned the situation around to make me the one who was wrong for correcting her.  It blows me away to think she displayed N behavior and thinking at this early age. I used to think about this instance and laugh.... I'm not laughing anymore.

Thank you for writing Dancer.... I have read many of your postings here and know that you know!

LitlBit 

Hi Silverlining,

Thank you for the welcome. I am glad to be here as I have so much to learn.

You spoke of instincts serving me well.  Yes they generally do, but my instinct to be a mom is sure giving me guilt feelings.  I feel I am abandoning my daughter.... and my grandchildren. It hurts so bad!  They (grandkids) will probably never know me and I may never know them.  I'm sure I will be spoken of but not necessarily in a good light...God it hurts!

LitlBit   

Hi Lil...pleased to meet you. I am in the same boat as you..we all are here in one way or another......and dancer is so right about our kids using their own children against us...or against anything or anyone they can really........very sad. Unfortunately, you don't have a daugheter.actually you never had the daughter you thought you had any way....sorry if that seems a bit blunt........and its hard going through the grieving process once we come to realise this.....but its a healing process too..everyone on this board has been down the same road too. This morning I got up and it felt good just to be alive..and no P daughter to upset things.and the only way she can have any chaos in my life again is if I let her. I feel for you re grandchildren....but if you do NC, then its only a matter of time before your daughter needs to get back in touch with you for some more fix.........sorry again here.....and maybe you can work it to suit yourself so you can at least see the children. I always remember..........if her mouth moves.she lies......she breathes in air and breathes out lies........so I don't listen to a thing  my daughter has to say anymore.

Hi again. I don't think there is one mum here who HAS NOT felt the guilt. Instead of seeing it as - 'you've abandoned your daughter', I see it as - 'I am on this planet too. I deserve a life, without lies/ madness/chaos'. The only way I can get that is by having N/C with my son. Incidently, I too was shown a picture of my gs shortly after his birth. I've never seen him. It doesn't seem to matter whether or not you decide on total N/C. I did back in March, yet at the moment he is TRYING to get involved again by associating with my vunerable 16 yr old d. He has caused havoc before re my d. I WILL NOT be reeled in by him again. I've left them to it - in the hope she sees 'the true picture' real soon!

Welcome LitlBit,

I am on a bit late as we had a disaster snow storm which knocked out so many power lines and trees. We had no power for four days nor heat and our phone line was torn down. The sidewalks are littered with tree limbs. It is eerie to say the least. We got power back and now am finally able to post. I too have a N daughter, which I recently joined this group. I also have grandchildren that she had used to control me for years. The latest incident being that I have not seen them since mother's day. She called when the power was out, she wanted to go to work, and leave the kids in the dark. My family and I were somewhere else , so I did not even call back. The power came back on there within two hours so she went to work. My granddaughter had called too. Today my P daughter called again as the kids had to take a bus near my house. Everytime there is a reason for one to come near my house she calls. Not that they should come to our house but to  make sure they don't. I dont' know what she told them one of them is 14. I wish I could block her number so she can't call my hubbies cell phone. She has hurt me so much in the past and I am glad I found out here how I have been abused. It sure was a relief to find out what I am dealing with. I now have cut off contact and feelings, but she will always find a reason to try to use us. I know it is harder when there are grandchildren involved and now I am at the point where I can see the kids are becoming just like her, and so I am starting to accept that it is probably better that I don't have any contact with them either. Only my grandson wants to see me he told me. Hang in there and hang around there are many here who have been through and are still going through the same thing, and are here for you . It does get easier with time, and to finally find out what you have been dealing with is a relief in itself.

dancer...maybe you are right..let sleeping dogs lie.what will be will be...and if it was meant to be, it will be. hard lesson for any of us to learn.

Hi Shadow Dancr,

That is so sad that you are not able to even see nor know where your grandchildren are. I have been through years of on and off again seeing mine, it hurt so much in the early years like you are going through. I know how much you must be hurting the not knowing, not even a picture. Maybe in time you might get one but probably not if she has no need of you. My daughter gave me a few pictures over the years. I have none of me with them .My grandkids are now 11, 12, 14, and like you I wonder what she has told them about me the two girls wont' even see me, my grandson came over on his bike a few times and also when he is in trouble like a  couple of weeks ago he needed stitches and thought his mom was not home. I know she has brain washed them. You know you love the grandkids and have done nothing but good to them when you can see them , and you wonder how they can say things to the kids about you to alienate you. I could have taken her to court for visitation like you said you felt it was better not to, and I also made that decision, there are times I have regretted this since she had total control over my visits with them the whole time..  But for you, like you said it is better to leave things alone, rather than stir things up again and lose the peace of mind you now have.  That is how I feel now that I am just doing the NC with her and my grandkids I dont' even ask to see them anymore.