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I want to let go. I want to stop fighting this disease. I am sick and tired of taking medications, I am sick of dealing with this. I can no longer deal with frustration, and am constantly mad at the love of my life. There is just too much stress and I just see no end. I need help! He is trying to help me but I am not the person to talk about what is bothering me.... Not in person any ways! I want to bleed, I want to feel the pain, I want to leave this world... |
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merkelsgirl88...from Don: I'm not too active, these days, but I did see your message. It's like I was supposed to see it & think & talk. First, I hope you're OK. I've been there, & done that. I've felt the pain & hopelessness. Being Bipolar, I do know, as well as having worked with and spoken (or listened) to others. I really have no answers. We must find comfort, within ourselves (and hopefully recieveing support & guidence from others).I've found, thu my own actions, that harming myself, really proves nothing (yes, there are those times the thought still comes, but my expieriences were quite bad. I don't want that again.) I also have to think (though family members have passed away, sons do not really act as my sons) There is nothing that I would want to do, to hurt my wife, like that again. withing myself, I struggle & fight to win. I don't know how I find the way, but I keep trying. At this time, I facing some rather dismal times, heathwise, but won't let it beat me. I can only offer you my streghnth, in spirit, for now, til you find your way. Please take care. Keep up the fight. Take pride in the WIN. If you can't do it for someone else, do it for yourself. Check back & let us know how your doing. I'll be thinking & praying for you,........Don  |
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| | From:  Kasa721 | Sent: 10/14/2007 10:03 PM |
Please do not give in to the siren call that is always there for us! It looks so much better from a place where the hurt and pain are no more. But that place holds no joy, or triumph over this place. Only ending. And sometimes, though it looks so very very good to me, I wait it out, because I don't want to let those who have done wrong things to me in my past to win. I don't want those who predict my failure to win. I want to come out on top, if only for me to be able to stand up and say," I did it." I need to be able to overcome, and hopefully you have that need somewhere in you as well. If you can't find it, then find a person for whom your leaving would be devastating-for me it is my son- and hold on to tomorrow for that person. If you have one person who would be hurt deeply by your leaving this world, you need to try to stay. Try with all your strength, and if you need to, borrow some of mine or Don's. I don't have lots for me, but I can loan you some. I am strongest when I am loaning some of my strength to someone else. It helps me carry on till tomorrow. Please post. Let us know how you are doing. If we didn't care, we wouldn't have posted. fighting this thing called bipolar with you, Kasa |
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I am not doing well. I am frantic and freaking out. The one person that would be devastated is my fiance. He is helping me through this and tells me he loves me and can't live without me. I am at my parent's away for the weekend and he has been calling me to check up and make sure I'm ok, and when I didn't answer my phone he called my sister and my parents house. I know he cares and I know he loves me. He says we can get through this and I hope he's right.... I am trying so hard, but it is very difficult for me!
Amelia Des Jardins
From: [email protected]
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Subject: Re: I want to let go..
Date: Sun, 14 Oct 2007 14:03:44 -0700
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| From: Kasa721 |
Please do not give in to the siren call that is always there for us! It looks so much better from a place where the hurt and pain are no more. But that place holds no joy, or triumph over this place. Only ending. And sometimes, though it looks so very very good to me, I wait it out, because I don't want to let those who have done wrong things to me in my past to win. I don't want those who predict my failure to win. I want to come out on top, if only for me to be able to stand up and say," I did it." I need to be able to overcome, and hopefully you have that need somewhere in you as well. If you can't find it, then find a person for whom your leaving would be devastating-for me it is my son- and hold on to tomorrow for that person. If you have one person who would be hurt deeply by your leaving this world, you need to try to stay. Try with all your strength, and if you need to, borrow some of mine or Don's. I don't have lots for me, but I can loan you some. I am strongest when I am loaning some of my strength to someone else. It helps me carry on till tomorrow.
Please post. Let us know how you are doing. If we didn't care, we wouldn't have posted.
fighting this thing called bipolar with you,
Kasa | |
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((((merkelsgirl88)))) I agree with Don and Kasa. I know we all get tired of taking our meds, and someimes when we are doing well, we think we don't need our meds. We go through many stages with our BP, and one is what you are going through right now hun. My heart goes out to you. I have also been in your shoes. I aslo have found over the years that SI and wantign to leave this world is only a temp fix, and when it's all over, we can see the light, and say why did I feel that way, and we are thankful that we made it through it. Are yu seeing a T. if so you realy need to talk to him/her and let them know what's going on and let thim help you along this linly road hun. thinking of the one you love does help, but as Don said we have to do it for ourself. It does help to focus on some one or soemthing else. Is there anyone near by that you can stay with that will help keep you safe? Smeone that knows you and that you can open up to? I wish you the very best hun. And PLEASE keep us posted as to how you are doing hun. We do care very much about you, you are family here. Love & hgus!
Butterfly~Janice |
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| | | From: Kasa721 | Sent: 10/15/2007 5:17 AM |
So glad you posted back. Janice is right, it is best if you can fight to stay alive for yourself. Always best. But I sometimes feel very weak. Those times I need more reasons. That is when I use my son. He is grown and on his own, but I am still important to him. In fact, I am probably more important to him now than I was when he was growing up. He actually wants my opinions now! and more! Anyway, it is nice to know someone wants you around! Keep in touch with your therapist or counselor, or family or fiance. Any and all of those who are invested in you. Do things that help you feel good inside. It might seem simple or silly to you, but if it works, it works! I feel good singing to songs from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. I am 56-makes more sense now, I guess. It may seem dumb to others, but it helps me. I am not the greatest vocalist, but I am not that loud, either! Or I will color in a coloring book--ok, I have DID/MPD also, so I have child alters(insiders) who get comfort from this. When they feel comforted, I feel better. Sometimes one insider is the one feeling really bad, and I then have to figure out what that one needs. It is a crap shoot sometimes. But the message is Find out what will help, and do it. It is not an overnight process to find out what helps, but when you do, it can seem like a miracle. Kasa |
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((((mrekelsgirl88)))))) I am so sorry that your having a hard time with things, BP does that to us and then if we have other health problems that just adds to it, there have been times I just wanted to give up and let go of everything but knew that wasn't the right thing to do, it's hard to take meds when we are feeling good because we don't think that we need them but we do, and when we are bad it makes it even harder to take them because we don't feel like there is any hope at all so why bother, I have been where you at so many times but we need to keep going on. I agree with what jan and all who replied to you, don 't give up life is to short as it is and there is alot to live for, just know that your never alone we are all here for you. your in my thoughts and prayers love ya ringlady
HAVE A GREAT AND SAFE DAY !!!!!!
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Amelia (merkelsgirl88): Just wanted to say, that if you are doing better, today, at this point, past your first posting, that my expierience is that the Worst has past or soon will, and you can move on again. Having Bipolar, you will find that this is a continuing battle (and a somewhat private one, also), but you will find you can grow stronger, each time, I still have my times. They are not fun, but I know it's not as bad as it used to be, as I have learned, and continue to grow. I think we all can. I have one thing that I ALWAYS hold onto (beside my loving & supportive wife), and that is even the slightest string of hope. That always seems to keep me going. I just CAN'T let go (as I tried, in the past). That hope has been bestowed upon me, by a power, greater than I (I'm not overly relious tho).and I accepted & respect it. I just hope to brighten your day. Hope you are well, and really wish you might respond to us (your family) here. Take care..........Don  |
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I know how you feel,yes I said feel you are feeling but its hard for us to see.Our pain is hidden sometimes and its so hard to know what to do with it when it hits us.I deal with so much I have BP,recovering alkie & druggie,diabetic,eating disorder,over weight and dealing with a few other things like being a mom.It gets so crazy some time I hate the meds ,I hate what daily life has given me.I often wonder what the hell am I doing and I want to dump all my meds but then I remeber what I was like before my meds started working and I never want that again I lost everything then ,my family, my home and me.Oh Im not saying things are prefect now and oh yes I have my bad days but at least I have a way to work things out.There are times I cry becuz I dont understand why this is happening to me then I ask my self why not me what makes me better then anyone else.I was told by my first Dr.that we have a choice to live in my nightmare or grow past it.He was right I am a human being and I can stop being a victim.It took time and I can tell you theres days I dont want to feel the pain but I know I must or I will never get past it and I will hurt the people I love,like my kids.They need my a whole person not prefect but better then I was,I know Ive said alot but this is very important to me and the ones in my life.I so understand your feelings dont give up on yourself we care about you.You can get ahold of me by phone if you want just let me know and i will give it to you. (((((((( BIG HUGGS )))))))) Gail |
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Thank you so much! It seems I just can't get past this, and I continue to live in this hellacious nightmare. And now with my depression/mania more things are arising. I have been having more occuring panic attacks and crying spells, and I think I slept one hour out of 48 hours. I am depressed and I am drained, but my mind is racing so much I just can't sleep. I sent my fiance an email and it was just so all over the place he said he felt dizzy when he was reading it. But he knows that this is part of the disease. I am trying not to be the victim and admitting I need help is one step closer I suppose. Next step is I am going to be seeing a doctor and attending a crisis group. Which I feel is awkward but at this point I will do anything necessary!
Amelia Des Jardins
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I want to let go..
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2007 07:49:11 -0700
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I want to let go..
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| From: peacefulstar90 |
I know how you feel,yes I said feel you are feeling but its hard for us to see.Our pain is hidden sometimes and its so hard to know what to do with it when it hits us.I deal with so much I have BP,recovering alkie & druggie,diabetic,eating disorder,over weight and dealing with a few other things like being a mom.It gets so crazy some time I hate the meds ,I hate what daily life has given me.I often wonder what the hell am I doing and I want to dump all my meds but then I remeber what I was like before my meds started working and I never want that again I lost everything then ,my family, my home and me.Oh Im not saying things are prefect now and oh yes I have my bad days but at least I have a way to work things out.There are times I cry becuz I dont understand why this is happening to me then I ask my self why not me what makes me better then anyone else.I was told by my first Dr.that we have a choice to live in my nightmare or grow past it.He was right I am a human being and I can stop being a victim.It took time and I can tell you theres days I dont want to feel the pain but I know I must or I will never get past it and I will hurt the people I love,like my kids.They need my a whole person not prefect but better then I was,I know Ive said alot but this is very important to me and the ones in my life.I so understand your feelings dont give up on yourself we care about you.You can get ahold of me by phone if you want just let me know and i will give it to you.
(((((((( BIG HUGGS ))))))))
Gail | |
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((((Merkelsgirl)))) I am in high hopes that you are feeling some bit of relief of the depression hun. One of the thing I do is I live by one day, one hour, one min, or one sec at a time, what ever way I have to take it to make it through the day. The other is I live by the saying I have on the "words to live by" page on the side page, the serenity prayer. You can use it even if you don't belive in god, just omit that word if you whish. these two thigns are my moto's that I live by and has helped me so many many times. Learn and have your b/f learn all you can about BP, the more you can learn the better, you can not learn enough about the disorder. Lossen to DOn and Gail, they have said things so well, I'm not going to repeat what they have already covered. You are stronger then you give yourself credit for hun, you are a wonderful person, even through you don't feel like it at this point in time in your life. It's very hard to see inside of you when we are going through depression and mainic attacks. Let others help, reach out and grap our hands and hold on. We are all here for you hun, your b/f espeacial. Keep us posted sweetie. Love & Hugs! Butterfly~Janice |
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I don't have a therapist or a psychiatrist but my fiance is helping me find one. My medical insurance doesnt start for another 60 days since I started a new job. Right now my only reason to stay alive is for my Fiance, to me it doesn't matter. I know I need to be able to stay alive for myself and hopefully that comes. And my fiance said it is good that I am finally admitting I need help because for the past month and a half I just kept saying I was fine and I finally broke down. I am trying my best, but I don't feel like it is good enough. Since i am out of town he calls me regularly to see how I am doing and if something is bothering me he has me talk about it, and when I start to freak out I take a Lorazepam. So hopefully this will all be fixed and I can be back to my "normal" self. Thank you all for caring and your opinions!
Amelia Des Jardins
From: [email protected]
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Subject: Re: I want to let go..
Date: Sun, 14 Oct 2007 21:17:02 -0700
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I want to let go..
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| From: Kasa721 |
So glad you posted back. Janice is right, it is best if you can fight to stay alive for yourself. Always best. But I sometimes feel very weak. Those times I need more reasons. That is when I use my son. He is grown and on his own, but I am still important to him. In fact, I am probably more important to him now than I was when he was growing up. He actually wants my opinions now! and more! Anyway, it is nice to know someone wants you around!
Keep in touch with your therapist or counselor, or family or fiance. Any and all of those who are invested in you. Do things that help you feel good inside. It might seem simple or silly to you, but if it works, it works! I feel good singing to songs from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. I am 56-makes more sense now, I guess. It may seem dumb to others, but it helps me. I am not the greatest vocalist, but I am not that loud, either! Or I will color in a coloring book--ok, I have DID/MPD also, so I have child alters(insiders) who get comfort from this. When they feel comforted, I feel better. Sometimes one insider is the one feeling really bad, and I then have to figure out what that one needs. It is a crap shoot sometimes. But the message is Find out what will help, and do it. It is not an overnight process to find out what helps, but when you do, it can seem like a miracle.
Kasa | |
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