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| | From:  pooks0 (Original Message) | Sent: 8/31/2005 7:25 AM |
Hi,i really need advice as to how i should handle this situation. I am living constantly with homophobic hatred from my ex husband who luckily for me lives in the States. However, he was over recently for 4 months & saw our children aged 13 & 11 every weekend. On the way home, i have found out just recently, they had to sit through his bitter rantings about how i had most of the money from our divorce. He is back over, & yesterday, my beautiful 11 year old girl burst into tears after getting home as they had spent the journey(30 mins) in his car hearing my sexuality degraded & being questioned about my activities. From past experience,if i emailed or phoned(we haven't spoken in 2 years!!), a barrage of bitter homophobic abuse would ensue,making him worse, not better for the kids. Can anyone help me with this please, i so need to do the right thing for their sakes. Thankyou, hugs,Pookie.x  |
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((((((( pookies))))))))) what an arse hole of a man , i have every symapthy for your kids. Mine went through the same but fortunally they were much younger, and he doesnt do it anymore to them. I would tell him very palinley they if he continued to abuse you to them then they will stop seeing him. Wirte a letter and send it to him. Your "activities" and life style has sod all to do with him , he should not put the kids through the questioning , cos in time they will just want to stop seeing him. What ever goes on in your life has nothing to do with him. Your divorced. Sounds like a bitter break up pooks , im really sorry. Wish i could offer more advice, maybe you should get hold of your community police officer and see where you stand legally. Sexual abuse is very much frowned upon these days and can lead to procissusion. He is effectivally abusing your kids cos of his narrow minded views. Why is it men feel they have to instill their homophobic attitudes into their children directly after the woman comes out. ((((((( pooks ))))))) |
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thats awful pookie, so sorry you and your kids are having to go through this... are you on 'talking' terms with your ex hubby? and is he reasonable enough to understand that his actions and words are hurting his childeren? if not, a family member? a solicitor? hope you manage to get this sorted out soon {{big hugs}} |
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First of all pooks hey girl, second what an egotistical self centered ass... i agree with dizzy sounds like he has taken the break up so sourly he is using the children to get to you or maybe try and someone slander you in the childrens eyes.... sorry to hear they are going through this it's not easy having your parents split up for one but to have your father degrade your mother and question you like your a criminal is morally and humanly wrong.... I cant believe the man is that bitter about it that he has to resort to mental abuse on the children...
Like dizzy said write to him and let him know that you are not going to take his arrogance any longer that you will not tolerate his complete disregard for you and your children and that if he continues to mentally abuse the children which can in the long run scar them emotionally then you will have no choice but to take legal action and remove his rights to the children.
I know it might sound harsh but you have to be cruel to be kind...you cant allow him to continue to abuse them like this it isnt healthy for them and they will end up hating him for what he is also doing to you.... but you have to do this quick hun if you allow his bitterness towards you to continue it wont be pretty.
I hope i have helped...i know i really don't know what your going through because i don't have children...although i do have a bitter ex husband...well he was bitter but has now finally agreed to divorce me... I know im young and probably not that experienced in family disputes but i do know people and i know that this is the best way for you to coe out all smiles. It wont be an easy battle but it's one you have to take.
Good luck
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| | | From: Fluffa3 | Sent: 8/31/2005 2:03 PM |
Pooks hun - the hugest of fluffy hugs - I can only really second what the others have said. Whilst you don't want to alienate the children from seeing their dad, you also shouldn't be expected to put up with this kind of behaviour and nor should they. I do agree that you need to get this onto some kind of formal footing - otherwise it will forever be "your fault". Have a really good chat to them and see how they feel about seeing their dad, explain that nobody should be subjected to this kind of treatment for whatever reason - religion, sexuality, disability or anything. They are old enough in legal terms to decide for themselves if they want to see him. I would suggest that if this behaviour doesn't stop but, that they do still want to see him - that you should request supervised access only - basically, he is a bully and he needs to be stopped xx |
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| | | From: pooks0 | Sent: 8/31/2005 5:11 PM |
Thankyou so much ladies for your replies, i know what my head wants to do, know what my heart wants to do, just really want to get it right for my kids. I'm so fed up of the hatred as i don't have such feelings in my soul...its totally draining. Will try phoning the liason officer tomorrow to seek legal advice.We can't talk sadly, Jan, as he is way too bitter now (he was bad enough before he found out i am gay) & when i email him, he just seems to get angrier & angrier no matter how pleasant my words. We aren't good role models for the kids, thats for sure. Thankyou again for your time, hugs,pooks.xx |
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Pooks, have read it all and think it's all been said, not that I could add anything anyway, having had no direct experience like this. Only know 3 ex husbands of 3 friends of mine have been fairly ok eventually, but they're the 'lucky ones' hey? But want you to know I'm thinking of you and hope you'll get good advice. |
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pookie i added you to msn if you want to chat hunnie xxxxxxxx |
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| | | From: Fluffa3 | Sent: 9/1/2005 9:58 AM |
Think there was a typing error in your last sentence Pooks - not "we aren't" but, "he isn't" huge hugs xx |
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| | | From: skweela | Sent: 9/1/2005 6:35 PM |
Just read this...... sounds like an angry chappie! i have no pesonal experience of this but i did recently have a friend in a very similar situation. She asked me what should she do and i couldnt really think of a good answer apart from seekin some legal advice. While she was in the process of wondering what to do for the best her eldest son, (who was 13 at the time and ususally very quiet) came home from a weekend with his dad and calmly announced that the problem was 'sorted'. Now im not altogether sure what was said, but it resulted in a truce being called between the two parents. Anyway just thought write this down, am not able to offer any advice but there is a lot above this. Hope you get things sorted mate |
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Pookie I am sorry to hear of the trouble you are having with your ex. I had hastle with my ex and we are no longer on speaking terms but then he no longer sees the children anymore. This is because my children didn't want to see him and i didn't want to force them to so I had to fight him through the court system as legally the children can't decide for themselves they are not considered old enough. I felt I had to do what they wanted though so I did. Your children could well decide for themselves that they no longer want to see him because of his attitude. Could you perhaps get supervised access? You will have to be guided by your children. Sorry I haven't got any better advice. |
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