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page 3 

 It's Not OCD, right?!!... RIGHT!!?


 

I love words.
Love reading them,
love writing them down.
I am so much in love with words
that just being able TO write them down
and hear them 'sing' as I read them
is the reward for the work of getting it
down on paper. (or computer screen).
It is work -- but it's something I have
skills for just because it is
where my passion lives. It is my music.

I think about the levels of artistry
in what we all do
that take us from one day to the next:
everyone has poetry in their life.
There is no greater thing than
to find your 'voice' and sing;
to find how best to express
the poetry in your own life
and be aware and alive to it.

Poets find the words to express it:
Musicians use pure sound to express poetry,
when the two are joined you have a song.
Artists / Craftsmen create a visual
representation of their poetry.
Dancers, of course, are "poetry in motion".

You tug the fabric of reality and
the golden thread of Your Poetry will
catch your eye and tease your mind.

Then -- you go with it. Whatever it is.

I think Art is the reason the Universe exists.
It does NOT matter if the only person
to take pleasure in your art is *just* you.

There is a ripple effect when a person
is aware of their own art. Poetry flows
from that person in everything they do.
The mechanics of creating IT --
that's interesting, sure; especially
to people who appreciate what is
given to the world, who want
to DO that sort of art, too.

But every person's Poetry, whatever
art it is channeled through to be realized
-- is unique and important
just for the uniqueness.

What bothers me is the artificial packaging
of things to make them seem "more"
than what is real: often it shunts and
conforms the true beauty of Poetry
into something less,
so it can be sold to more people!?
argh.

Better to avoid marketing and just BE.

On the other hand -- if you have got
to make a living, and all you are good
at is your Art --
then you have no choice but to use it.
however:
Integrity does not whore around.

Poetry, the real thing requires the integrity
of Truth -- and Truth is Integrity. for me.

That is all I have of worth; and in being
faithful to it -- I have Poetry.

I inquire within
and out it comes.

Preen much, do I?


~~~~~~~~~~~
Time passes
-- a metronome
started and stopped
by an unseen hand --
the minutes don't count
it's simply about
the beat the beat the beat
and what you do around it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look at my writing and
I see a line or two from
pages and pages of words
that I think, "wow, that is good."
Not great, never GREAT: but my brain
correlates the work of others
that I admire and measures my scribbles
against 'em. (There. Right there.
Notice the self depreciating factor.)

And it doesn't matter, does it,
how many people tell you you're "good."
Genuine accolades or whatever hyperbole
they toss at you -- you wonder what
they're REALLY selling, or if they
are banking against a time they want
something in return.
The harshest critic is the one
no artist worthy of the title can escape:
himself.
But also --
no one fully loves the work
as much as the artist, too.


If it was truly just vanity...
I wouldn't learn from it, would I?

I got my room straightened out.
I checked the dates at the bottom of the
pile(s) -- just this crop alone
is the results of 9 years of 10-8 hours a
day of sitting and writing, just writing,
hardly ever stopping to read it,
just ...WRITING. A dozen file
cartons of it -- all in long hand.
as Jacob Marley said to Ebenezer
"It is a ponderous chain.."
creating is ambrosial poison,
the daemon lover, it is better
than sex and it is, in that
ultimate extreme, sterile:
unless it is shared.


The vanity I am talking about
is the reluctance to let go.
The vanity to create --
and that is enough.
That is the guilty pleasure.


To hoard a cache of tapes or
notebooks because while
it was great fun to do it --
"it isn't good enough to put out there".
but we can't toss it out, either.
To have a thing out of your control,
out in the world to be embraced (or
repulsed), affecting (or infecting)
reality and existing as a permanent
statement attached to one's signature;
the art by which the artist is
assessed... that is difficult, but to
have something out there we KNOW has
an "ick" factor?...

Yes, I am talking about Eric's Tape Vault
wherein resides 39 years or so worth of stuff
a whole lot of people would go ga-ga over,
as much as I am talking about my stacks of cartons
no one in their right mind would give a glance to.

perfectionism is vanity. I say this
with my own heart wrenched out as
exhibit a.

I am not even aware of how hard
I work at what I do -- time for me is a
metronome, not a clock. I sit down
and write and do not stop until I
realize I'm barely awake and golly
it would be nice to lie down now.
I confess I have (more times than
I can count) stretched out on the floor,
more like a keeled-over stroke victim
than someone capable of dressing and
feeding myself. This is nearly OCD behavior:
I lay down on the floor because
it IS uncomfortable and I will sleep
just long enough to clear my thoughts
to be able to write some more.
(I don't dare put a bed or couch in the room.)

It is not merely enough that
I write and do my best. My best
will never be good enough.
It comes easily, but -- it can be
so pedestrian,
"nothing
special".
There is something beyond my
best that I have tasted and can,
slightly more often than once in
a blue moon, access. I don't think it is
possible to have that on demand.
The "best" you can do is create a state of
equilibrium and openness to it,
keep your skills honed -- and lure that
b!tch to come toy with you because
you are a total submissive to her whim.

And yes, to me my Art has been a
lifetime of training exercises; to be the
very best submissive in the
history of the world, according to
my perception of the world.

Which is hilarious.
ironic. After all --
how could someone
so loud and opinionated
call oneself
submissive
to
anything?

sweet dreams, friends

Jeen Lilly (VG.)

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