page 3 It's Not OCD, right?!!... RIGHT!!? I love words. Love reading them, love writing them down. I am so much in love with words that just being able TO write them down and hear them 'sing' as I read them is the reward for the work of getting it down on paper. (or computer screen). It is work -- but it's something I have skills for just because it is where my passion lives. It is my music.
I think about the levels of artistry in what we all do that take us from one day to the next: everyone has poetry in their life. There is no greater thing than to find your 'voice' and sing; to find how best to express the poetry in your own life and be aware and alive to it.
Poets find the words to express it: Musicians use pure sound to express poetry, when the two are joined you have a song. Artists / Craftsmen create a visual representation of their poetry. Dancers, of course, are "poetry in motion".
You tug the fabric of reality and the golden thread of Your Poetry will catch your eye and tease your mind.
Then -- you go with it. Whatever it is.
I think Art is the reason the Universe exists. It does NOT matter if the only person to take pleasure in your art is *just* you.
There is a ripple effect when a person is aware of their own art. Poetry flows from that person in everything they do. The mechanics of creating IT -- that's interesting, sure; especially to people who appreciate what is given to the world, who want to DO that sort of art, too.
But every person's Poetry, whatever art it is channeled through to be realized -- is unique and important just for the uniqueness.
What bothers me is the artificial packaging of things to make them seem "more" than what is real: often it shunts and conforms the true beauty of Poetry into something less, so it can be sold to more people!? argh.
Better to avoid marketing and just BE.
On the other hand -- if you have got to make a living, and all you are good at is your Art -- then you have no choice but to use it. however: Integrity does not whore around.
Poetry, the real thing requires the integrity of Truth -- and Truth is Integrity. for me.
That is all I have of worth; and in being faithful to it -- I have Poetry.
I inquire within and out it comes.
Preen much, do I?
~~~~~~~~~~~ Time passes -- a metronome started and stopped by an unseen hand -- the minutes don't count it's simply about the beat the beat the beat and what you do around it... ~~~~~~~~~~~~
I look at my writing and I see a line or two from pages and pages of words that I think, "wow, that is good." Not great, never GREAT: but my brain correlates the work of others that I admire and measures my scribbles against 'em. (There. Right there. Notice the self depreciating factor.)
And it doesn't matter, does it, how many people tell you you're "good." Genuine accolades or whatever hyperbole they toss at you -- you wonder what they're REALLY selling, or if they are banking against a time they want something in return. The harshest critic is the one no artist worthy of the title can escape: himself. But also -- no one fully loves the work as much as the artist, too. If it was truly just vanity... I wouldn't learn from it, would I?
I got my room straightened out. I checked the dates at the bottom of the pile(s) -- just this crop alone is the results of 9 years of 10-8 hours a day of sitting and writing, just writing, hardly ever stopping to read it, just ...WRITING. A dozen file cartons of it -- all in long hand. as Jacob Marley said to Ebenezer "It is a ponderous chain.." creating is ambrosial poison, the daemon lover, it is better than sex and it is, in that ultimate extreme, sterile: unless it is shared.
The vanity I am talking about is the reluctance to let go. The vanity to create -- and that is enough. That is the guilty pleasure. To hoard a cache of tapes or notebooks because while it was great fun to do it -- "it isn't good enough to put out there". but we can't toss it out, either. To have a thing out of your control, out in the world to be embraced (or repulsed), affecting (or infecting) reality and existing as a permanent statement attached to one's signature; the art by which the artist is assessed... that is difficult, but to have something out there we KNOW has an "ick" factor?...
Yes, I am talking about Eric's Tape Vault wherein resides 39 years or so worth of stuff a whole lot of people would go ga-ga over, as much as I am talking about my stacks of cartons no one in their right mind would give a glance to.
perfectionism is vanity. I say this with my own heart wrenched out as exhibit a.
I am not even aware of how hard I work at what I do -- time for me is a metronome, not a clock. I sit down and write and do not stop until I realize I'm barely awake and golly it would be nice to lie down now. I confess I have (more times than I can count) stretched out on the floor, more like a keeled-over stroke victim than someone capable of dressing and feeding myself. This is nearly OCD behavior: I lay down on the floor because it IS uncomfortable and I will sleep just long enough to clear my thoughts to be able to write some more. (I don't dare put a bed or couch in the room.)
It is not merely enough that I write and do my best. My best will never be good enough. It comes easily, but -- it can be so pedestrian, "nothing special". There is something beyond my best that I have tasted and can, slightly more often than once in a blue moon, access. I don't think it is possible to have that on demand. The "best" you can do is create a state of equilibrium and openness to it, keep your skills honed -- and lure that b!tch to come toy with you because you are a total submissive to her whim.
And yes, to me my Art has been a lifetime of training exercises; to be the very best submissive in the history of the world, according to my perception of the world.
Which is hilarious. ironic. After all -- how could someone so loud and opinionated call oneself submissive to anything?
sweet dreams, friends Jeen Lilly (VG.) Please Continue OR Click Book To Return To The Library |