Thank you very much for the thoughtful replies. I had a feeling I could count on someone to be there on this website. I have came upon a gem .. lol

 

I am feeling much better than I was when I wrote that.

 

I have also been working third shift and I think that it's being really hard on me. All I do is sleep and work.

 

However, when I wake up, I would usually just get on here for a while, call my man, take a shower, grab something to eat, and go to work. I would usually be crying through most of this after the phone call. But ... I have stopped calling him for a while. And, I have surrounded myself with people when I am awake to keep my mind off of him and our situation.

 

He has been very rude to me lately. I am tired of him being sweet when we are together and rude when I call. I am tired of him being a jerk, period. And, his sister told me that she thinks he is trying to talk to another girl ... and, when I question him about it, all he says is that he's not interested in anyone else. He has been hanging out with our friend, Beth, sometimes ... she is in the middle of a divorce, however, and he is trying to help her out... which, I am fine with, but ... when it interfere's with us, it is not a good thing. It makes me sick to think that she spends more time with him than I do.

 

I just need time to clear my mind.

 

Once again, thank you two for the very thoughtful replies ... I have taken them to heart.

Thank you SO much for the advice. I really appreciate it. It gives me encouragement ... I can stop this before it goes any further. It's going to be hard to do, though ... I really like where we are at sometimes, when we are together. But ... for example, tonight ... he won't answer his phone. He told me to call him, but he won't even answer! I'd rather him answer, tell me he's busy, and I'll call back later. I hate sitting here waiting for him to call me back.

 

The past two nights we've called each other just to say goodnight ... but, I would actually like to talk to him. I am tired of not being able to talk. I am tired of being there at his convenience. But, I don't know how to change this ... it has been SO long!

 

He has no respect ... not even for himself. He works himself to death ... for other people who don't compensate him. If you could only see his hands ... and he's 25. He has cuts and calluses; the hands of a man who has been working hard for years, the hands of a man who is twice his age. Sometimes, I just sit and rub and kiss his hands.

 

But ... we don't get nearly enough alone-time. And, when we are alone ... there is a lot of intimacy ... but, not the kind that I usually want. I want to just hold him ... or him hold me ... and, sometimes we do, but, not usually. We just laid together one night, with his head on my chest, talking. He was laying on me and I'm pretty sure he could hear my heart beat ... it was beating so fast, lol

 

I just want to be there for him, to do something FOR HIM, unlike other people do.

 

It's just frustrating. And, I am going to have to change myself ... and, I really don't want to.

 

What did you mean about exaggerating what they want of me that I don't want? lol, sorry, maybe I'm just dense, but ... I don't get it.

 

I also found out recently that he has been dealing drugs ..... I felt so sick when he told me. He has been doing it for a while, to make extra money. He does not even DO drugs ... I don't know why he is trying to sell them. It's really scary ... I don't want him to get hurt or be put in jail. A friend of ours recently went to jail for a year for selling cocaine ... I don't know why he'd want to risk getting caught and put behind bars.

 

He does have a lot of bills, but, he is also a very skilled wood-worker. I have told him that he should start small ... making things ... selling them ... and, eventually, he could start a small business with the profits he makes from selling the items he makes. And, he wants to do this, he is just enjoying his party-life too much right now and won't settle down.

 

I just want to give him SO much ... lol ... I just want to show him that there's so much more to life. That, I can make him happy. That he CAN be happy. I think he thinks that is out of the question.... he's all about making other people happy. Well...everyone else but me.

 

Maybe I'm just selfish ... lol, I don't know. I need to pinpoint what I can change ...

He's coming over in a few minutes and I'm going to try to have a serious conversation with him.  Keyword: TRY ... lol

 

I think he may have been drinking a little bit ... so we're going to watch a movie and I'll fix him something to eat just to make sure he sobers up before he leaves my house. I hate it when he drinks and gets on the road. Even if he has only had a few beers.

 

I just hope I can get through to him ... let him know how I am feeling ... see how he is feeling ... come to some kind of compromise about our time together.

 

My neck and shoulders are hurting, too, from working on the computer ... so, hopefully I can get a massage out of the deal, too, LOL

Well, he came over and we talked. He says he's sorry for being rude when I call him sometimes ... he said he's usually busy when I call, but he doesn't want me to get upset, so he tells me to call back later. And, sometimes, he doesn't answer because he doesn't want to make me upset by not talking to me when he's busy. I told him that I am tired of being put second next to his friends ... and, that it hurts when I call him and he's rude to me ... and, I am tired of seeing other people spend tons more time with him than I ever can ... yet, he never has time to do anything with me. I told him I wanted to go out, just the two of us, alone, for one night. He told me we would when he's not as busy as he has been lately. He worked 10 hours yesterday and then stayed at my house till 5 a.m. I told him that I really care about him, that he means a lot to me, and I just want a normal relationship, that I am tired of crying. He kissed my forehead and told me he'd take care of me. He asked if I wanted him to leave, so he didn't upset me anymore, but ... I definitely needed him to stay.

 

First thing he did when he came in was kiss my forehead, sit down on the foot-stool in front of my chair, and lay back into my arms. I love it when he's like that; he makes me feel like he needs me, like he cares, like he wants my company. Unfortunately, at the end of the night, when he leaves, I can't help but wonder if this will be the last time I get to have an experience like that with him. I am so afraid of making him mad and running him away. And, sometimes when I call, I am afraid that if I ask him to come over, he will say that he doesn't want to see me anymore or something. I'm afraid he'll find someone better, someone he isn't afraid to be with on a level higher than what we are at.

 

We joked around for a while and then he started wrestling with me. We do that a lot, LOL, I guess it's kinda funny to see him with me in a headlock... or vice versa, LOL

 

Of course, we were intimate several times throughout the night ... LOL ... he is so gentle with me. I love it when he holds my hands and intwines his fingers with mine. And, sometimes, being with him makes me feel like I just want to cry... tears of happiness, of course ... like we are one together for that moment in time.

 

I didn't get my massage ... as a matter of fact, I didn't think anything of it afterwards ... lol

 

We fixed some chinese food together ... but, I wasn't hungry, so he ate it all. LOL, of course, after he left, THEN I was hungry. I had to fix a salad ... lol

 

When it came time for him to leave ... I just wanted him to stay. He told me I was acting like he was going to die the next day or something. Honestly, I wasn't that bad ... I just never get to see him ... and, when I do, I sometimes DO feel like it's the last time I'll see him, and I want to make the most of it. I just want to be with him for the longest time possible. And, I want to let him know how much he means to me. He told me my problem was that I am too emotional. I wouldn't be so emotional if I had some type of reassurance!

 

I don't know ... right now, I am pretty happy to have had him here with me. But, I can't help but wonder if he will be rude when I call him later... or, if he'll want to come over again tonight ... or if I will have to wait till next weekend ... or the weekend afterwards ... or the next ... just to see him.

 

I miss him even when he's here ... lol, because I don't know when or where we'll be together.

I drink as well, though. Neither of us drink a lot ... just socially. And, I am very sure he does not do any drugs. I know people who use cocaine, and I can tell he is not one of them. He is more or less the go-between from the dealer to the customer ... he gets a cut of the money because he's risking the most. We have talked about him quitting ... and he said he can quit any time, he just doesn't want to right now. I am afraid that if he tries to quit, someone will try to hurt him. But, there really is nothing I can do but express my feelings about his extra "job" and express how much I care about him and do not wish for him to get hurt.

 

He does make me happy. Very happy. If he's not ready to settle down at the moment ... I am okay with that. I'm not prepared to deal with how my family will accept this relationship right now. He has been talking about settling down in a couple years and having babies ... it kind of shocks me to hear him say things like this because he usually doesn't think of the future. He lives for today. But, he is beginning to mature ... I just hope he gets out of his "party phase" soon. I mean, sure, I party sometimes, too ... but, he does it every weekend... sometimes during the week. And, I'm afraid he's getting too involved with the wrong people and he's going to get himself hurt. I am not afraid of being viewed as an accessory because I would never go with him if I knew he was going to be handling any drugs at all. He has told me that he wouldn't let me even if I wanted to, because he doesn't want to get me involved.

 

I would LOVE to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life. He does tell me all kinds of things about himself ... we talk when we are together. He sometimes doesn't answer his phone because he's busy ... and he says he doesn't want to upset me by asking me to call back later. He thinks it's better to just not answer. I have told him it is not better ... that it upsets me more ... but, he seems to think it's in my best interest to just not answer when he's busy with something. He is all the time working on his friends cars, installing their stereo systems (he installed mine as well), towing them for people ... doing things around his house (he recently put hardwood floors in the living room and tiled both bathrooms and built a flower garden outside) ... or, working extra hours at his job. I know he's a busy man ... It's probably selfish of me to expect him to answer the phone most of the time when I call.

 

I like being with him ... I enjoy our time together, alone ... we laugh, talk, joke, wrestle, hug, hold each other ... we connect. I am just having trouble being totally comfortable because I am not sure when I'll be able to see him again. It's like I am not able to give myself fully until I get a reciprocation of feelings. But ... that is normal ... right?

 

He came to me. I am friends with his sister, Milissia. A little over four years ago, I was with a guy who was not very nice to me at all. When he broke-up with me, I went to Milissia's house. I stayed for a long time and I was helping her write a paper for school (we were still in high school) when Michael came into the room. He told me he'd heard about what happened and asked if I needed to talk or needed a hug. I am not the touchy-feely type of person, but, when he hugged me, I felt so safe. Later that night, I went to go watch a movie with him (we did that a lot) and he talked to me about how special I was and how I deserved so much better than what this guy had done to me. He spent most of the night just holding me. And ... we progressed from there over the next few months.

 

I guess I do kind of want someone to take care of ... I am there for him and he knows it. I take care of him when he doesn't have anyone to be there ... which is most of the time.

 

I don't think I'm seeking acceptance ... he's already accepted me.

 

I didn't have a father growing up ... so, I think some of my confusion is coming from not knowing what to do in a relationship like this.

 

I know for sure what my feelings are for him. I know that he cares about me, also. I just wish I wasn't so paranoid about these feelings changing.

 

I will read the book you posted.

 

Thank you <3

I am not ignoring you ... I just do not know what to say.  Other than, I do not flaunt my looks ... I have nothing to flaunt ... if I did, I seriously doubt I would be in this position right now ...

 

But, obviously, there are tons of other things wrong with me that I need to fix before I can be decent enough to be with anyone, I guess ... I didn't realize it was me that needed fixing ... but ... I should have realized.

 

At the moment, I am just trying to put EVERYTHING out of my mind and put ME first. ...........

Hey Luff:

 

First thing....Im sure you are beautiful.  As for flaunting looks...if ya got it flaunt it. Thats my motto!!!

 

And just to clarify....all any of us can change is ourselves.  I wasnt trying to make you feel bad.  I was just trying to say that we can only control our way of thinking, acting,, etc....not someone elses!!!  God knows Ive tryed changin my hubby over the years!!!

lol

 

Be well Luff and know that you WILL figure it all out.  And remember ya dont have to figure it out overnight....everything takes time.

xo

Amen Sandy, you're dead on sistah!

Luff you're right it is all about you, and you have to start putting you first.  There are going to be days that are rougher than others, believe me, lol.  But by the end of the long long road that is ahead of you, it will ALL be worth it!  Like Debra has stated she married the man that was doing it to her.  Thankfully (and I'm just speaking about me here) I didn't, yippy!  I was young and didn't know what love should really be, but there was always that gut feeling that told me things werent right.  Sure enough after being with that guy for 2 years I ended it (finally, lol).  No that wasnt easy, he would follow me to and from school, if I went out at all he was there, he even tried to break into my house a few times just to talk to me. 

So all in all, you have to think of yourself.  It's been 6 years since I've gone through all of that crazy junk and yes it still bothers me.  I'll tell ya now, I've been with the same guy for over a year and I'm happy.  There's always a positive in every situation!

Please post at any time with anything at all to say!  Let us all know how your doing darlin!!!!

Good Luck!

Keiko       

Thanks guys, for the replies and support.

 

I have a long way to go ... :(

Hello

I also know your pain, confusion, pain and frustration. I have been married and divorced three times. I haven't had a date for 15 years. The only thing that bother's me about that is that it don't bother me. LOL It probably sounds to you like I wouldn't be a good person about relationships but I do know people. Besides, it's always easier to see when it's other people.LOL I don't have the emotions and memories clouding up my mind and distorting my prioities.I found out 3 years ago that I only have 5 years at the most to live. After my initial shock and denial, I parked myself out on the desert in Arizona for months to "clear my head".I felt myself changing so fast, I don't even know what's going on.There's a old saying that really helps me, it's 'THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS"(no I'm not religious, I choose Spirituality).I have only heard your version but it seems to me like it's a little one-sided and a lot of wishful thinking going on. I 

don't think any of us can MAKE anybody else happy.I've always heard that happiness has to come from the inside.Well, I am really starting to believe that.It's funny how we are exposed to all these little sayings all our lives, but not really understand them until we're ready to; kinda like "the teacher will appear when the student is ready"It shouldn't be that hard if both people want to connect ,and are willing to communicate.I don't think it means that you "fail" , you just don't fit right now. It sounds like maybe you both are on different parts of the path.I think it took a great deal of courage to come here and open up your wound.I don't mean to come off sounding like an expert or anything, I'm certainly not.You opened up your heart for help and I decided to open my heart in hopes of helping you, nothing more.