THE SACRED INTERNAL FLAME

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Well...........a long time in coming but I think I have finally figured it out.......ha!

I married early in life because all I ever wanted out of life was to be a "mommy". I married a jerk and looking back all the signs were there but I didn't see them. I married Him because He wouldn't leave me along, I married Him because the only thing I wanted was to be a mommy. I married Him because I'd be the first married from my High School Graduation Class.....ahhh finally a "first" status for me. So in essence I married for all the wrong reasons.

I was blessed with 4 wounderful children, which of course I do not regret. They have been my life all these years. They turned out nicely and I'm very proud of each and every one of them!! I love and cherish them dearly. The oldest is now 30 and the youngest is 21.

My problem here, part of it is i am no longer that "mommy" and I have no clue what I want to be when i grow up. I feel like I am just lost in limbo. I don't fit anywhere. Couple that with no self-esteem or confidence from the abuse I received in the 24 years of marriage and now living alone for the first time ever in my life. I am simply lost.

I have been divorced now for 5 yrs and living on my own for one year, as the last of the babies left the nest. I looked into BDSM Dominant/submission for several reason. I have spent alot of time in the past 4 years thinking I am submissive and this is what I need. However when someone attempts to Dominant me, I fill with anger. "That" is not what I want or need, I don't think, at this point in my life.

I have alot of anger, doubts, hurts. Alot of the anger is at myself for not knowing who I am or what I want, yet it is known to overfow easily at others. And ya know I am realizing that I don't know how to find these things. I don't know how to "fix" this.

I have decided I am truely lost.

Thank you for sharing that, I'm sure it can't have been easy. I would love to reply to your post so please be patient, as there is a lot going on here, but I will reply. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you, and feel for the way you feel. It's not nice to feel in limbo and lost, but I know you will work it out in the end. Relax, breathe and know what a special spirit you really are!

Will answer very soon!

I been Pondering your post for the last few days trying to think of best to help

you get through what you are experiencing.

Remember there is a page with counseling on it that I do and my address for,

my email may be found there if you wish I may be able to help you, even if it

is just a lending ear for you to pour out what you need to in order to move on from the rut,

you seem to be in, with the way you seeing your life at this present moment,

So do feel free to write to me if you wish some help.....

I can first tell you that I understand where your coming from. I have never understood where I was headed or where I was or where I am from. I too, like you, am lost. I don't really know how I got there, or how to get out. I have been this way for as long as I can remember...even as a child. Seems like when I do want something its not obtainable. If nothing else I can understand your confusion and pain. I am here for you. We can be lost together lol

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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