Well...........a long time in coming but I think I have finally figured it out.......ha!
I'm simply lost.
I married early in life because all I ever wanted out of life was to be a "mommy". I married a jerk and looking back all the signs were there but I didn't see them. I married Him because He wouldn't leave me along, I married Him because the only thing I wanted was to be a mommy. I married Him because I'd be the first married from my High School Graduation Class.....ahhh finally a "first" status for me. So in essence I married for all the wrong reasons.
I was blessed with 4 wounderful children, which of course I do not regret. They have been my life all these years. They turned out nicely and I'm very proud of each and every one of them!! I love and cherish them dearly. The oldest is now 30 and the youngest is 21.
My problem here, part of it is i am no longer that "mommy" and I have no clue what I want to be when i grow up. I feel like I am just lost in limbo. I don't fit anywhere. Couple that with no self-esteem or confidence from the abuse I received in the 24 years of marriage and now living alone for the first time ever in my life. I am simply lost.
I have been divorced now for 5 yrs and living on my own for one year, as the last of the babies left the nest. I looked into BDSM Dominant/submission for several reason. I have spent alot of time in the past 4 years thinking I am submissive and this is what I need. However when someone attempts to Dominant me, I fill with anger. "That" is not what I want or need, I don't think, at this point in my life.
I have alot of anger, doubts, hurts. Alot of the anger is at myself for not knowing who I am or what I want, yet it is known to overfow easily at others. And ya know I am realizing that I don't know how to find these things. I don't know how to "fix" this.
I have decided I am truely lost.